perks.csv

Thinks they're a Jedi
Civil War reenactor
Super super racist
Sexist
Really stupid
Owes the government one million dollars
Death row inmate
Zero percent sexually attractive to you
Thinks you're ugly
Their pet name for you is "trash bag"
Is always covered in ants
Really really hates children
Only speaks in horrible puns
Is a merperson
Sees the ghost of everyone who has ever died
Is literally always watching porn
Is addicted to crack
Is addicted to prescription drugs
Is a train wreck
Backseat driver
Reads over your shoulder (out loud)
Is six years old
Only speaks in sarcasm
Farts every time they kiss you
Kicks every animal they see
Worst-smelling person in the world
Amateur cannibal
Dabbles in torture
Uses the word "chillax" in every sentence
Body type: Dumpster
Has a permanent fedora
Basic
Spends every date using dating apps
Literally can't make decisions
Has to pee every five minutes for five minutes
Sold your pets on Craigslist
Only speaks in yelling
Doesn't know the difference between your and you're
Only speaks in business buzzwords
Eats crayons
Has a dozen kids from a dozen partners
Is wanted in every state except Florida / (Because Florida doesn't want them)
Is a hobbit
Has nineteen kids and counting
Is building an ark
Snorts _____ / Really wants you to try it
Will only eat if you play airplane with their food
Literally always on a Segway
Cries themself to sleep every night
Takes you to _____ on the first date
Is Nickelback
Counts your calories
Can't keep a job longer than twenty minutes
Hair is transplanted from cadaver butts
Looks and smells just like your dad
Throws up every time they see your face
Is your clone
Melts if they get wet
Yawns every time you start a sentence
First name is "Poop"
College nickname: Puke Crotch
Still in fourth grade
Teleports to the North Pole every time they say the word "love"
Every time you think about them you dry heave
Takes you to couples therapy on the first date
Only speaks in boy band lyrics
Hits on every server
Has never spelled a word correctly
Collects human skulls / Says they're "practically free!"
Steals something from every store they enter
Compulsive liar
Is eligible for the Make-A-Wish Foundation
Calls you by exe's name / Every time
Always wearing a Bluetooth headset
Is the person you hated the most in high school / and literally hasn't changed
Posts all of your texts and emails online
3-foot fingernails
Keeps asking if your best friend is "down"
Only communicates with you via fax
Only speaks Klingon
Literally won't stop talking about their mother
Sleep-puncher
Has scissor hands
Describes all food as "yummy yummers"
Writes erotic Lassie fan fiction
Won't allow wi-fi in the house
Refuses to wash hands
Celibate
Has plexiglass cheeks so that you can see inside their mouth
Responds to everything to say with "that's what she said"
Isn't potty trained
Is a serial killer
Only speaks in Disney song lyrics
Still uses a flip phone
Has two other spouses
Only eats deep-fried food
Lives off the grid
Tries to pay for everything with farm animals
Never stops playing the ukulele
Regularly hosts tea parties for dolls
Is the oldest living person
Constantly taking selfies
Has _____ for hands
Says "Can you not" while you cry at a funeral
Adds you as an emergency contact on the first date
Literally only talks about themselves
Only responds to texts with "k"
Is related to you
Incapable of all emotion
Is actually two children stacked on top of each other in a trench coat
Name drops during dirty talk
Tells you to calm down after everything you say
You are allergic to them
Greets people by sniffing their butts
Is totally married
Constantly trying to bang your friends
Refers to their genitals as their "no-no"
Rigged to a time bomb
Is a zombie
Conveniently forgets wallet every date night / Always has ID though
Calls you a "4" to your face
Steals locks of your hair
Their kisses taste like poop / and they love kissing
Repeats your jokes but louder
Compulsively licks doorknobs
Physically incapable of asking a question
Jealous of your pet
Afraid of sunlight
Speaks with a constantly changing foreign accent
Literally always drunk
Brings ex to first date
Brings mom to first date
Burps and blows in your face
In a band called "Genocide Warts"
Literally never stops talking
Constantly plotting to kill you
Open mouth kisses their pets
Immediately tries to kill you with a fork
Super clingy
Open mouth kisses their siblings
Literally won't talk to you if you're part of the wrong Hogwarts house
Greets you with a headbutt
Has slept with literally everyone
Always picking their nose
Only speaks in hashtags
Demands to pop all of your zits for you
Recites all the lines from "Titanic" in their sleep
Narrates everything they do out loud
Puts "air quotes" around "every word" they say
Knocks things out of strangers' hands while walking down the street
Charges you a quarter every time you say a curse word
Is dead
Is literally always naked
Talks dirty to all of their food
Has the names of all of their exes tattooed on their face
Only wears clothing made of human hair
Wears diapers because it's "more convenient"
Can only speak in lines from _____
Only laughs at their own jokes
Keeps changing the subject to talk about how not racist they are
Just got out of prison / but won't tell you what they were in for
50 Shades of Grey is literally the only book they've read
Doesn't think women should vote
Has been stalking you since middle school
Is 40 years older than they were in their profile picture
Is a vampire... / Not the sexy kind
Winks at you after everything they say ;)
Swears you look exactly like their sister / But says "that's a good thing"
Tinders during sex
Wears a backpack full of _____ during sex
Men's rights activist
Is a 60 year old virgin
Ends every conversation with "you're dismissed"
Sells home-made pubic hair wigs
Still really into Myspace
Their sex tape with _____ just went viral
Can only have conversations through puppets
Always wears a luchador mask
Has half a beard / Absolutely refuses to shave
Swears they're eighteen
Yells "ear muffs!" whenever they hear a bad word
Amateur vigilante
Won't stop juggling
Resting dumb face
Keeps talking about their "hot cousin"
Talks exclusively in emojis
Refuses to delete online dating profile
Always bragging about past sexual conquests
Can only eat out of someone else's hand
Uses way way way too much tongue
Refuses to cover face while sneezing
Refuses to look up from phone
Keeps talking about someone who looks just like you / Only better!
Thinks Twilight deserved an Oscar
Is afraid of stoplights
Doesn't understand your jokes
Doesn't believe in oral sex
Laughs incessantly during sex
Is a revenge porn mogul
Live-tweets your entire date
Slept with one of your parents / Recently
For as long as you date them all your friends will hate you
Always dresses like a clown
Constantly freestyles / Badly
Has a _____ fetish
Only speaks in motivational quotes
The two halves of their face don't match / Both are attractive but look totally different
Doesn't know or understand any word that starts with the letter "D"
Only has eyes for you / They literally can't see anyone in the world except you
Has a superpower / It's seeing through people's clothes
Always takes the joke three steps too far
Is on every fad diet at the same time
Calls their pets their children
Static shocks you every time you touch
Is allergic to all of your favorite foods
Says "like", like all the time
Literally has the face of a pug
Begins every sentence with "actually"
Lives in a bedroom with eight dudes / Including one named "Jug"
Doesn't like music... / any of it
Thinks they're smarter than you
As long as you date them you can only eat food off the dollar menu