diff --git a/bindings/pydrake/systems/framework_py_semantics.cc b/bindings/pydrake/systems/framework_py_semantics.cc
index 5f7f85f843f9..62237fa7713c 100644
--- a/bindings/pydrake/systems/framework_py_semantics.cc
+++ b/bindings/pydrake/systems/framework_py_semantics.cc
@@ -598,26 +598,34 @@ void DoDefineFrameworkDiagramBuilder(py::module m) {
       .def(py::init<>(), doc.DiagramBuilder.ctor.doc)
       .def(
           "AddSystem",
-          [](DiagramBuilder<T>* self, unique_ptr<System<T>> system) {
+          [](DiagramBuilder<T>* self, System<T>& system) {
             // Using BuilderLifeSupport::stash makes the builder
             // temporarily immortal (uncollectible self cycle). This will be
             // resolved by the Build() step. See BuilderLifeSupport for
             // rationale.
             BuilderLifeSupport<T>::stash(self);
-            return self->AddSystem(std::move(system));
+            // The ref_cycle is responsible for object lifetime, so we'll give
+            // the DiagramBuilder an unowned pointer.
+            return self->AddSystem(std::shared_ptr<System<T>>(
+                /* managed object = */ std::shared_ptr<void>{},
+                /* stored pointer = */ &system));
           },
           py::arg("system"), internal::ref_cycle<1, 2>(),
           doc.DiagramBuilder.AddSystem.doc)
       .def(
           "AddNamedSystem",
-          [](DiagramBuilder<T>* self, std::string& name,
-              unique_ptr<System<T>> system) {
+          [](DiagramBuilder<T>* self, std::string& name, System<T>& system) {
             // Using BuilderLifeSupport::stash makes the builder
             // temporarily immortal (uncollectible self cycle). This will be
             // resolved by the Build() step. See BuilderLifeSupport for
             // rationale.
             BuilderLifeSupport<T>::stash(self);
-            return self->AddNamedSystem(name, std::move(system));
+            // The ref_cycle is responsible for object lifetime, so we'll give
+            // the DiagramBuilder an unowned pointer.
+            return self->AddNamedSystem(
+                name, std::shared_ptr<System<T>>(
+                          /* managed object = */ std::shared_ptr<void>{},
+                          /* stored pointer = */ &system));
           },
           py::arg("name"), py::arg("system"), internal::ref_cycle<1, 3>(),
           doc.DiagramBuilder.AddNamedSystem.doc)
diff --git a/bindings/pydrake/systems/test/lifetime_test.py b/bindings/pydrake/systems/test/lifetime_test.py
index a574153bdf1b..3581b94e3925 100644
--- a/bindings/pydrake/systems/test/lifetime_test.py
+++ b/bindings/pydrake/systems/test/lifetime_test.py
@@ -71,15 +71,18 @@ def test_ownership_diagram(self):
     def test_ownership_multiple_containers(self):
         info = Info()
         system = DeleteListenerSystem(info.record_deletion)
+
+        # Add the system to a built diagram.
         builder_1 = DiagramBuilder()
-        builder_2 = DiagramBuilder()
         builder_1.AddSystem(system)
-        # This is tested in our fork of `pybind11`, but echoed here for when
-        # we decide to switch to use `shared_ptr`.
-        with self.assertRaises(RuntimeError):
-            # This should throw an error from `pybind11`, since two containers
-            # are trying to own a unique_ptr-held object.
+        diagram_1 = builder_1.Build()
+
+        # Add it again to another diagram. We don't care if the Add fails or
+        # the Build fails, so long as one of them does.
+        builder_2 = DiagramBuilder()
+        with self.assertRaisesRegex(Exception, "already.*different Diagram"):
             builder_2.AddSystem(system)
+            builder_2.Build()
 
     def test_ownership_simulator(self):
         info = Info()
diff --git a/systems/framework/diagram.h b/systems/framework/diagram.h
index c802805d3358..def546dd262e 100644
--- a/systems/framework/diagram.h
+++ b/systems/framework/diagram.h
@@ -51,7 +51,7 @@ class OwnedSystems {
   decltype(auto) end() const { return vec_.end(); }
   decltype(auto) operator[](size_t i) const { return vec_[i]; }
   decltype(auto) operator[](size_t i) { return vec_[i]; }
-  void push_back(std::unique_ptr<System<T>>&& sys) {
+  void push_back(std::shared_ptr<System<T>>&& sys) {
     vec_.push_back(std::move(sys));
   }
   void pop_back() {
@@ -59,7 +59,7 @@ class OwnedSystems {
   }
 
  private:
-  std::vector<std::unique_ptr<System<T>>> vec_;
+  std::vector<std::shared_ptr<System<T>>> vec_;
 };
 
 // External life support data for the diagram. The data will be moved to the
diff --git a/systems/framework/diagram_builder.cc b/systems/framework/diagram_builder.cc
index 52c5172a974b..754fb84d71ab 100644
--- a/systems/framework/diagram_builder.cc
+++ b/systems/framework/diagram_builder.cc
@@ -45,7 +45,7 @@ void DiagramBuilder<T>::RemoveSystem(const System<T>& system) {
   const size_t system_index = std::distance(
       registered_systems_.begin(),
       std::find_if(registered_systems_.begin(), registered_systems_.end(),
-                   [&system](const std::unique_ptr<System<T>>& item) {
+                   [&system](const std::shared_ptr<System<T>>& item) {
                      return item.get() == &system;
                    }));
   DRAKE_DEMAND(system_index < registered_systems_.size());
@@ -443,6 +443,25 @@ void DiagramBuilder<T>::ThrowIfAlreadyBuilt() const {
   }
 }
 
+template <typename T>
+void DiagramBuilder<T>::AddSystemImpl(std::shared_ptr<System<T>>&& system) {
+  DRAKE_THROW_UNLESS(system != nullptr);
+  ThrowIfAlreadyBuilt();
+  if (system->get_name().empty()) {
+    system->set_name(system->GetMemoryObjectName());
+  }
+  systems_.insert(system.get());
+  registered_systems_.push_back(std::move(system));
+}
+
+template <typename T>
+void DiagramBuilder<T>::AddNamedSystemImpl(
+    const std::string& name, std::shared_ptr<System<T>>&& system) {
+  DRAKE_THROW_UNLESS(system != nullptr);
+  system->set_name(name);
+  this->AddSystemImpl(std::move(system));
+}
+
 template <typename T>
 void DiagramBuilder<T>::ThrowIfInputAlreadyWired(
     const InputPortLocator& id) const {
diff --git a/systems/framework/diagram_builder.h b/systems/framework/diagram_builder.h
index ba9cb0390614..132348ff6043 100644
--- a/systems/framework/diagram_builder.h
+++ b/systems/framework/diagram_builder.h
@@ -77,29 +77,36 @@ class DiagramBuilder {
   DiagramBuilder();
   virtual ~DiagramBuilder();
 
-  /// Takes ownership of @p system and adds it to the builder. Returns a bare
+  /// Takes ownership of `system` and adds it to the builder. Returns a bare
   /// pointer to the System, which will remain valid for the lifetime of the
   /// Diagram built by this builder.
   ///
   /// If the system's name is unset, sets it to System::GetMemoryObjectName()
   /// as a default in order to have unique names within the diagram.
   ///
-  /// @code
-  ///   DiagramBuilder<T> builder;
-  ///   auto foo = builder.AddSystem(std::make_unique<Foo<T>>());
-  /// @endcode
+  /// @warning a System may only be added to at most one DiagramBuilder.
+  /// Multiple Diagram instances cannot share the same System.
+  template<class S>
+  S* AddSystem(std::shared_ptr<S> system) {
+    S* result = system.get();
+    this->AddSystemImpl(std::move(system));
+    return result;
+  }
+
+  /// Takes ownership of `system` and adds it to the builder. Returns a bare
+  /// pointer to the System, which will remain valid for the lifetime of the
+  /// Diagram built by this builder.
   ///
-  /// @tparam S The type of system to add.
+  /// If the system's name is unset, sets it to System::GetMemoryObjectName()
+  /// as a default in order to have unique names within the diagram.
+  ///
+  /// @exclude_from_pydrake_mkdoc{Not bound in pydrake -- pydrake only uses the
+  /// shared_ptr overload.}
   template<class S>
   S* AddSystem(std::unique_ptr<S> system) {
-    ThrowIfAlreadyBuilt();
-    if (system->get_name().empty()) {
-      system->set_name(system->GetMemoryObjectName());
-    }
-    S* raw_sys_ptr = system.get();
-    systems_.insert(raw_sys_ptr);
-    registered_systems_.push_back(std::move(system));
-    return raw_sys_ptr;
+    S* result = system.get();
+    this->AddSystemImpl(std::move(system));
+    return result;
   }
 
   /// Constructs a new system with the given @p args, and adds it to the
@@ -119,17 +126,16 @@ class DiagramBuilder {
   ///   auto foo = builder.template AddSystem<Foo<T>>("name", 3.14);
   /// @endcode
   ///
-  /// You may prefer the `unique_ptr` variant instead.
-  ///
-  ///
   /// @tparam S The type of System to construct. Must subclass System<T>.
   ///
   /// @exclude_from_pydrake_mkdoc{Not bound in pydrake -- emplacement while
   /// specifying <T> doesn't make sense for that language.}
   template<class S, typename... Args>
   S* AddSystem(Args&&... args) {
-    ThrowIfAlreadyBuilt();
-    return AddSystem(std::make_unique<S>(std::forward<Args>(args)...));
+    auto system = std::make_shared<S>(std::forward<Args>(args)...);
+    S* result = system.get();
+    this->AddSystemImpl(std::move(system));
+    return result;
   }
 
   /// Constructs a new system with the given @p args, and adds it to the
@@ -150,8 +156,6 @@ class DiagramBuilder {
   ///   auto foo = builder.template AddSystem<Foo>("name", 3.14);
   /// @endcode
   ///
-  /// You may prefer the `unique_ptr` variant instead.
-  ///
   /// @tparam S A template for the type of System to construct. The template
   /// will be specialized on the scalar type T of this builder.
   ///
@@ -159,26 +163,33 @@ class DiagramBuilder {
   /// specifying <T> doesn't make sense for that language.}
   template<template<typename Scalar> class S, typename... Args>
   S<T>* AddSystem(Args&&... args) {
-    ThrowIfAlreadyBuilt();
-    return AddSystem(std::make_unique<S<T>>(std::forward<Args>(args)...));
+    auto system = std::make_shared<S<T>>(std::forward<Args>(args)...);
+    S<T>* result = system.get();
+    this->AddSystemImpl(std::move(system));
+    return result;
   }
 
-  /// Takes ownership of @p system, applies @p name to it, and adds it to the
+  /// Takes ownership of `system`, set its name to `name`, and adds it to the
   /// builder. Returns a bare pointer to the System, which will remain valid
   /// for the lifetime of the Diagram built by this builder.
   ///
-  /// @code
-  ///   DiagramBuilder<T> builder;
-  ///   auto bar = builder.AddNamedSystem("bar", std::make_unique<Bar<T>>());
-  /// @endcode
-  ///
-  /// @tparam S The type of system to add.
-  /// @post The system's name is @p name.
+  /// @warning a System may only be added to at most one DiagramBuilder.
+  /// Multiple Diagram instances cannot share the same System.
+  template<class S>
+  S* AddNamedSystem(const std::string& name, std::shared_ptr<S> system) {
+    S* result = system.get();
+    this->AddNamedSystemImpl(name, std::move(system));
+    return result;
+  }
+
+  /// Takes ownership of `system`, set its name to `name`, and adds it to the
+  /// builder. Returns a bare pointer to the System, which will remain valid
+  /// for the lifetime of the Diagram built by this builder.
   template<class S>
   S* AddNamedSystem(const std::string& name, std::unique_ptr<S> system) {
-    ThrowIfAlreadyBuilt();
-    system->set_name(name);
-    return AddSystem(std::move(system));
+    S* result = system.get();
+    this->AddNamedSystemImpl(name, std::move(system));
+    return result;
   }
 
   /// Constructs a new system with the given @p args, applies @p name to it,
@@ -207,9 +218,10 @@ class DiagramBuilder {
   /// specifying <T> doesn't make sense for that language.}
   template<class S, typename... Args>
   S* AddNamedSystem(const std::string& name, Args&&... args) {
-    ThrowIfAlreadyBuilt();
-    return AddNamedSystem(
-        name, std::make_unique<S>(std::forward<Args>(args)...));
+    auto system = std::make_shared<S>(std::forward<Args>(args)...);
+    S* result = system.get();
+    this->AddNamedSystemImpl(name, std::move(system));
+    return result;
   }
 
   /// Constructs a new system with the given @p args, applies @p name to it,
@@ -240,9 +252,10 @@ class DiagramBuilder {
   /// specifying <T> doesn't make sense for that language.}
   template<template<typename Scalar> class S, typename... Args>
   S<T>* AddNamedSystem(const std::string& name, Args&&... args) {
-    ThrowIfAlreadyBuilt();
-    return AddNamedSystem(
-        name, std::make_unique<S<T>>(std::forward<Args>(args)...));
+    auto system = std::make_shared<S<T>>(std::forward<Args>(args)...);
+    S<T>* result = system.get();
+    this->AddNamedSystemImpl(name, std::move(system));
+    return result;
   }
 
   /// Removes the given system from this builder and disconnects any connections
@@ -490,6 +503,10 @@ class DiagramBuilder {
 
   void ThrowIfAlreadyBuilt() const;
 
+  void AddSystemImpl(std::shared_ptr<System<T>>&& system);
+  void AddNamedSystemImpl(const std::string& name,
+                          std::shared_ptr<System<T>>&& system);
+
   // Throws if the given input port (belonging to a child subsystem) has
   // already been connected to an output port, or exported to be an input
   // port of the whole diagram.
diff --git a/systems/framework/system_base.cc b/systems/framework/system_base.cc
index e4f19d76df78..0b359f01d159 100644
--- a/systems/framework/system_base.cc
+++ b/systems/framework/system_base.cc
@@ -425,6 +425,21 @@ void SystemBase::CreateSourceTrackers(ContextBase* context_ptr) const {
   }
 }
 
+void SystemBase::set_parent_service(
+    SystemBase* child,
+    const internal::SystemParentServiceInterface* parent_service) {
+  DRAKE_DEMAND(child != nullptr);
+  DRAKE_DEMAND(parent_service != nullptr);
+  if (child->parent_service_ != nullptr) {
+    throw std::logic_error(fmt::format(
+        "Cannot build subsystem '{}' into Diagram '{}' because it has already "
+        "been built into a different Diagram '{}'",
+        child->GetSystemName(), parent_service->GetParentPathname(),
+        child->parent_service_->GetParentPathname()));
+  }
+  child->parent_service_ = parent_service;
+}
+
 // The only way for a system to evaluate its own input port is if that
 // port is fixed. In that case the port's value is in the corresponding
 // subcontext and we can just return it. Otherwise, the port obtains its value
diff --git a/systems/framework/system_base.h b/systems/framework/system_base.h
index daeae9569864..e154a75a0458 100644
--- a/systems/framework/system_base.h
+++ b/systems/framework/system_base.h
@@ -1098,19 +1098,14 @@ class SystemBase : public internal::SystemMessageInterface {
   bool IsObviouslyNotInputDependent(DependencyTicket dependency_ticket) const;
 
   /** (Internal use only) Declares that `parent_service` is the service
-  interface of the Diagram that owns this subsystem. Aborts if the parent
-  service has already been set to something else. */
+  interface of the Diagram that owns this subsystem. Throws if the parent
+  service has already been set. */
   // Use static method so Diagram can invoke this on behalf of a child.
   // Output argument is listed first because it is serving as the 'this'
   // pointer here.
   static void set_parent_service(
       SystemBase* child,
-      const internal::SystemParentServiceInterface* parent_service) {
-    DRAKE_DEMAND(child != nullptr && parent_service != nullptr);
-    DRAKE_DEMAND(child->parent_service_ == nullptr ||
-                 child->parent_service_ == parent_service);
-    child->parent_service_ = parent_service;
-  }
+      const internal::SystemParentServiceInterface* parent_service);
 
   /** (Internal use only) Given a `port_index`, returns a function to be called
   when validating Context::FixInputPort requests. The function should attempt
diff --git a/systems/framework/test/diagram_builder_test.cc b/systems/framework/test/diagram_builder_test.cc
index be286a166c35..02d2b44a6047 100644
--- a/systems/framework/test/diagram_builder_test.cc
+++ b/systems/framework/test/diagram_builder_test.cc
@@ -132,6 +132,22 @@ GTEST_TEST(DiagramBuilderTest, AlreadyBuilt) {
       ".*DiagramBuilder may no longer be used.*");
 }
 
+// Integration test of the Digram <=> System <=> SystemBase interaction when the
+// same System is added to multiple diagrams.
+GTEST_TEST(DiagramBuilderTest, AddSystemToMultipleDiagrams) {
+  auto adder = std::make_shared<Adder<double>>(1 /* inputs */, 1 /* size */);
+
+  DiagramBuilder<double> builder_1;
+  builder_1.AddSystem(adder);
+  std::unique_ptr<Diagram<double>> diagram_1;
+  EXPECT_NO_THROW(diagram_1 = builder_1.Build());
+
+  DiagramBuilder<double> builder_2;
+  builder_2.AddSystem(adder);
+  DRAKE_EXPECT_THROWS_MESSAGE(builder_2.Build(),
+                              ".*already.*different Diagram.*");
+}
+
 // A special class to distinguish between cycles and algebraic loops. The system
 // has one input and two outputs. One output simply "echoes" the input (direct
 // feedthrough). The other output merely outputs a const value. That means, the