silicon_valley_quotes.txt

Somebody make some motherfucking noise in here! (silence) Fuck these people.|
Kid Rock - S01E01 - Minimum Viable Product

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They always travel in groups of five. These programmers, there's always a tall, skinny white guy; short, skinny Asian guy; fat guy with a ponytail; some guy with crazy facial hair; and then an East Indian guy. It's like they trade guys until they all have the right group.|
Gavin Belson - S01E01 - Minimum Viable Product

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Okay, here it is. Bit Soup, like alphabet soup but ones and zeros instead of the letters. Cause binary! Binary is ones and zeros.|
S01E01 - Minimum Viable Product

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Big! Head!|
Erlich Bachman - S01E01 - Minimum Viable Product

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Ask me what 9 times F is. It's fleventy-five.|
Erlich Bachman - S01E01 - Minimum Viable Product

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Always blue, always blue, always blue, always blue, always blue, always blue, always blue...|
S01E01 - Minimum Viable Product

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Gavin Belson: Audious, play John Lennon's Imagine.
Audious: (computer voice) Queuing John Wayne in a mansion. Not found.|
S01E02 - The Cap Table

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License to kill-9. IB action-dot-erotica.|
Dinesh - S01E02 - The Cap Table

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As far as Pied Piper is concerned, he's as pointless as Mass Effect 3's multiple endings.|
Gilfoyle - S01E02 - The Cap Table

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Peter Gregory: Did you just take a sip from an empty cup?
Richard: Yes.
Peter Gregory: Why did you do that?
Richard: Just something to do.|
S01E02 - The Cap Table

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Astraphile Manager: As we discussed, our North Carolina plant went sideways. So we need 15 million now or we'll have to shut down.
Peter Gregory: Have any of you ever eaten at "Burger King"?|
S01E03 - Articles of Incorporation

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Dinesh: Inferior products win out all the time.
Gilfoyle: Like Jesus over Satan.
Dinesh: I was going to say VHS over Beta.|
S01E03 - Articles of Incorporation

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Erlich: Richard, a name defines a company. It has to be something primal, something that you can scream out during intercourse. Like Aviato.
Dinesh: Uuuuber!
Gilfoyle: Gooooogle!
Dinesh: Huuuuuulu!|
S01E03 - Articles of Incorporation

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It looks like a guy sucking a dick, with another dick tucked behind his ear for later. Like a snack dick.|
Dinesh - S01E03 - Articles of Incorporation

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If you keep screaming your name, it forces the assailant to acknowledge you as a human.|
Jared - S01E03 - Articles of Incorporation

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Creating unique cross platform technologies. Technologies. Technolo-Jesus. Oh, fuck!|
Erlich Bachman - S01E03 - Articles of Incorporation

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Infotrode Cloud-based, disruptive platforms. Disrupting the cloud through I said cloud twice, shit.|
Erlich Bachman - S01E03 - Articles of Incorporation

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Making the world a better place. Making the world a better place. Making the world a better place...|
Erlich Bachman - S01E03 - Articles of Incorporation

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Time is a sphere, and I have been reincarnated during the same time period in which I exist.|
Erlich Bachman - S01E03 - Articles of Incorporation

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Ron LaFlamme: It's like you need both halves of the brain, right? The Jobs and the Wozniak. The ying and the yang.
Richard: Oh. I think it's "yin".
Ron LaFlamme: "Yin"? Like "yin and yan?"
Richard: No. Like yin and yang.
Ron LaFlamme: No. It's ying and yang, they're opposites.|
S01E04 - Fiduciary Duties

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I eat the fish.|
Jian-Yang - S01E04 - Fiduciary Duties

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Flo Rida: Big Pete Gregory!
Peter Gregory: Thank you, Florida. Welcome to the Peter Gregory foundation's fourth annual orgy of caring. The first three were fine. I hope that you enjoy the party. There is a second bar in back where the line is much shorter. Thank you. I'm finished now.|
S01E04 - Fiduciary Duties

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Richard: You know, I wish this was Roman times. You know? Life was simpler back then.
Dinesh: Simpler for you. I would have been a slave.
Gilfoyle: There's still time.|
S01E04 - Fiduciary Duties

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Richard: Are you dressed like Steve Jobs?
Erlich: Oh, am I? Well, I suppose Steve and I always have shared a similar aesthetic.|
S01E04 - Fiduciary Duties

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Gilfoyle: He's trying to turn us into corporate rock, Richard. We are punk rock.
Dinesh: Actually, you know, I think a better analogy would be jazz. Like we riff and improvise around a central theme to create one cohesive piece of music.|
S01E05 - Signaling Risk

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Waiter: Are you enjoying your asparagus, sir?
Peter Gregory: I was never enjoying it. I only eat it for the nutrients.|
S01E05 - Signaling Risk

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If you can hear me make a gesture!|
Gavin Belson - S01E05 - Signaling Risk

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Gavin Belson: How are you?
Peter Gregory: Well. And you?
Gavin Belson: Not bad.|
S01E05 - Signaling Risk

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It's weird having a girl in the house. There's a very strange energy.|
Dinesh - S01E06 - Third Party Insourcing

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We were So-Lo-Mo but now we're Mo-Lo-So. No - Mo-So-Lo.|
S01E07 - Proof of Concept

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Check, one-two... two... tsetse fly, tsetse fly.|
S01E07 - Proof of Concept

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Just face it, Dinesh, you're gay for my code, you're code gay.|
Gilfoyle - S01E07 - Proof of Concept

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Erlich: Friday, the pool cleaner comes. Do you understand?
Jian-Yang: Yes.
Erlich: And tomorrow is trash day so make sure all the cans are out front.
Jian-Yang: Yes.
Erlich: Now, you are under no circumstances to order any movie on demand, adult or otherwise.
Jian-Yang: Yes.
Erlich: OK, has anything that I've just said confused you?
Jian-Yang: Yes.|
S01E07 - Proof of Concept

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Do you have those spotlights that come up from the ground, like in Pride Fighting?|
Erlich Bachman - S01E07 - Proof of Concept

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Interested, very interested, or very interested?|
Jared - S01E08 - Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency

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We're trending up boys. We're trending up.|
Erlich Bachman - S01E08 - Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency

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Erlich: So, what happened to Peter?
Monica: He hadn't run in a long time, maybe ever, and you know, he just... that was it.|
S02E01 - Sand Hill Shuffle

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Line 'em up nuts to butts.|
Erlich Bachman - S02E01 - Sand Hill Shuffle

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It's like when somebody says they want to go birding with you, but really they just want to get you alone in the woods, so they can take your binoculars.|
Jared - S02E02 - Runaway Devaluation

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I'm just gonna say it. This guy fucks. Am I right?|
Russ Hanneman - S02E03 - Bad Money

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Hey, what's up, al-Qaeda? No, I'm totally kidding. I'm diffusing the tension with humor. Seriously, though, no beheadings, all right?|
Russ Hanneman - S02E03 - Bad Money

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Knock knock, who's there? This guy.|
Russ Hanneman - S02E03 - Bad Money

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I scratched my car. It's the rivet in my pants - these are cool pants too. Fuck, that's a deep scratch, that will not buff out (blows). Motherfucker! Fuck it.|
Russ Hanneman - S02E03 - Bad Money

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They're all lemmings Richard...Everyone in this town is, just look at them. Lemming...lemming!|
Russ Hanneman - S02E03 - Bad Money

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Richard: It says here on your resume that from 2010 to 2011 you "crushed it"? Are we to understand that you did not "crush it" in 2012?
Applicant: I had to take some time off until I was able to crush it at 100%, at which point I resumed crushing it full-time.|
S02E04 - The Lady

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It's like we're the Beatles and now we just need Yoko.|
Jared - S02E04 - The Lady

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Russ: Know what has three commas in it, Richard?
Richard: Uh, a sentence with two appositive phrases in it?
Russ: No, a billion dollars.|
S02E04 - The Lady

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Erlich, he started crying in Taco Bell. He tried to blame the taco sauce.|
Jian-Yang - S02E04 - The Lady

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Friends of friends.|
Jian-Yang - S02E05 - Server Space

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Who else feels this product is stupid? Allen, Lisa, Josh, Yana, Katie.And did it piss off anyone else? - Allen, Lisa, Josh, Yana, Katie.|
S02E06 - Homicide

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Gavin: Is this Windows Vista bad? It's not iPhone 4 bad, is it? (sighs) Fuck. Don't tell me this is Zune bad.
Christina: I'm sorry, Gavin. It's Apple Maps bad.|
S02E06 - Homicide

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A fucking car whose doors open like this... not like this... not like this.|
Russ Hanneman - S02E07 - Adult Content

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I simply imagine that my skeleton is me and my body is my house. That way I'm always home.|
Jared - S03E02 - Two in the Box

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Sales and engineering are the two pillers of the conjoined triangles of success.|
Jack Barker - S03E02 - Two in the Box

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(to Dinesh) Later, Chain the Virgin.|
Gilfoyle - S03E03 - Meinertzhagen's Haversack

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Okay, let me show you the next location where we would install one of your boxes.|
S03E03 - Meinertzhagen's Haversack

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Take a look at the Conjoined Triangles of Success. Now, what do those two triangles make together?|
Jack Barker - S03E03 - Meinertzhagen's Haversack

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Compromise is the shared hypotenuse of the conjoined triangles of success.|
Jack Barker - S03E04 - Maleant Data Systems Solutions

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Laurie: You are in an emotional state, and when you are emotional, you become highly inarticulate.
Richard: Well, I don't say that's true.|
S03E05 - The Empty Chair

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Gilfoyle: Geek Squad.
Man: The computer's right here. You're not wearing the shirt.
Gilfoyle: I spilled coffee on it. I'm a nerd.|
S03E05 - The Empty Chair

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Jared: In other good news, we've managed to fill out our engineering team.
Erlich: Did you tell them that my Fage's off-limits?|
S03E05 - The Empty Chair

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Anytime you're near a woman it is important to explain why. Otherwise they get nervous.|
Dinesh - S03E06 - Bachmanity Insanity

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At Hooli, I once saw two engineers get into a fight so vicious, they almost made physical contact.|
Jared - S03E06 - Bachmanity Insanity

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That's the thing about the NDA, is that the NDA is actually covered under the NDA. So if I told you about the NDA, it would've been a violation of the NDA.|
Big Head - S03E06 - Bachmanity Insanity

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Richard: I mean, why not just use Vim over Emacs? (laughs nervously)
Winnie: I do use Vim over Emacs.
Richard: Oh, God, help us!|
S03E06 - Bachmanity Insanity

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Eric Bachman, is your refrigerator running? This is Mike Hunt.|
Jian-Yang - S03E07 - To Build a Better Beta

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Richard: Sounds mighty Christian of you, Gilfoyle.
Gilfoyle: There's no reason for hate speech, Richard.|
S03E08 - Bachman's Earning's Over-Ride

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Hoover, scramble that sky crane.|
Gavin Belson - S03E10 - The Uptick

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Erlich Bachman, this is you as an old man. I'm ugly and I'm dead. Alone.|
Jian-Yang - S03E10 - The Uptick

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Suddenly, it feels like time is slowing down. I could see every move I was going to make 12 steps ahead. It was like I was Bobby Fischer if he could really fuck.|
Erlich Bachman - S03E10 - The Uptick

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I extended my compression algorithm to support... get this... 12-bit color. Okay, so our users will be able to experience a 10 percent increase in image quality with absolutely no increase in server load whatsoever.
Just-Just-Just... Just watch this. Before. After. Before. After.|
Richard - S04E01 - Success Failure

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Question for you. What's better than octopus recipe? Answer for you. Eight recipes for octopus.|
Jian-Yang - S04E03 - Intellectual Property

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What would you say if I told you there is an app on the market...|
Jian-Yang - S04E04 - Teambuilding Exercise

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Erlich, is the refrigerator running? This is Mike Hunt, and he's rich.|
Jian-Yang - S04E04 - Teambuilding Exercise

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Erlich: Jian-Yang are you drinking creamer?
Jian-Yang: It's a half-half.|
S04E05 - The Blood Boy

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Why do you have a photo folder entitled "Cool Hairstyles"?|
Gilfoyle - S04E06 - Customer Service

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Big Head: My username is "password" and my password is "password."
Richard: Your username is "password"?
Big Head: It was just easier.|
S04E10 - Server Error

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Dinesh: There they are. Stallions.
Gilfoyle: Each one more magnificent than the last.
Dinesh: Perfect.|
S05E01 - Grow Fast or Die Slow

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"This is Erlich. Hello. I am gone, but Jian-Yang is a very good friend and very smart. I want him to be the leader of the house and control all of the friends. Goodbye. Bachman Erlich."|
S05E01 - Grow Fast or Die Slow

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Elon Musk himself gives humanity a five percent shot of surviving AI, and he's a Disney level optimist.|
Gilfoyle - S05E05 - Facial Recognition

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I love my Tesla. It has Insane Mode, which means it goes zero to 60 in 3.2 seconds, which is literally insane. But the Tesla that Danny ordered has Ludicrous Mode, which means it goes zero to 60 in 2.8 seconds. So it's gonna take me an entire 0.4 seconds longer to get to 60.|
Dinesh - S05E07 - Initial Coin Offering

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Again, Richard... the math is sound.|
Gilfoyle - S05E07 - Initial Coin Offering

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You've probably read half of Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon, and it's about 50/50 whether you own a snake.|
Tracey Robertson - S06E02 - Blood Money