Tom_Papa-x-Dave_Chappelle.txt

----Setup----
Will you guys shut the fuck up!Just kidding! That’s my family in the back, that’s why I did that.
Anyway, this is weird.
 And less than ideal circumstances to do a show.
 But the only way to figure out if this shit will actually work, well is to do the goddamn show.
----Punchline----
So, thank you all for coming.
----Tagline(s)----
I want to shout out all the young people who have had the courage to go out and do all this amazing work, protesting.
I am very proud of you.


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----Setup----
You kids are excellent drivers.
 I am comfortable in the back seat of the car.
So carry on, young ones.
It’s hard to figure out what to say about George Floyd.
----Punchline----
 So I’m not going to say it yet.


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----Setup----
I will say something.
----Punchline----
[sigh]


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----Setup----
I gotta tell you, this is actually, like, the first concert in North America since all this shit happened, so, like it or not, it’s history.
----Punchline----
 It’s going to be in the books.


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----Setup----
At least we tried.
----Punchline----
There’s other comedians that would– Well this is not the first show but the other shows were like in drive-ins and if people liked the nigga’s jokes they’d honk the horn.
----Tagline(s)----
So what’s you guys? You a black and white friend hanging out, do you guys know each other?[inadubile]
I’m just kidding, enjoy your riots.


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----Setup----
I’m just kidding.
They’re not really even riots.
 You notice that?[sighs]
 This is a fucking weird time.
Mhmm.
In like 1993, I’m not sure what year it was, but I was in LA.
 I had smoked a joint and I was watching a movie, Apocalypse Now.
 It was like just after 4:00 in the morning.
 And what later would become the known Northridge earthquake happened.
 It felt like it started in my apartment.
You know? I’m from east of the Mississippi.
 On this side we don’t know what earthquakes are about.
 I got to tell you something, man [burps]
Excuse me, burping.
This shit was terrifying.
 It was absolutely terrifying.
Uh, a lot of things went through my mind, I was like, not naked, but you know what I mean, just chilling in my boxers.
 Uh, I put my clothes on, I found my weed.
 And some, a pipe, and a lighter and some money, and my keys, all these things, while the earthquake is happening, while I’m experiencing what an earthquake is for the first time, and I was certain that I might very possibly die.
 As a matter of fact, I remember I made a point not to scream, just in case I lived, I wouldn’t have to remember myself being vocally terrified.
 But I forgave myself for being terrified.
 That earthquake couldn’t have been more than 35 seconds.
 This man kneeled on a man’s neck for eight minutes and forty-six seconds! Can you imagine that!? This kid thought he was going to die.
 He knew he was going to die.
 He called for his mother.
 He called for his dead mother.
 I’ve only seen that once before in my life, my father, on his deathbed, called for his grandmother.
 When I watched that tape I understood this man knew he was going to die.
 People watched it, people filmed it, and for some reason, that I still don’t understand, all these fucking police had their hands in their pockets.
Who.
 Are.
 You.
 Talking.
 To!What are you signifying? That you can kneel on a man’s neck for eight minutes and forty-six seconds and feel like you wouldn’t get the wrath of God.
 That’s what is happening right now.
   It’s not for a single cop, it’s for all of it.
 Fucking all of it.
 I don’t mean to get heavy, but.
----Punchline----
We gotta say something.


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----Setup----
He told the police he couldn’t breathe.
One of the hardest parts of the tape to listen to.
He said, “Please!”
I can’t tell you, as a man, watching another man go through something like that, what it makes you feel like.
 I didn’t watch the tape for a week.
 I didn’t watch it.
 I knew.
 I saw a still picture, I said, I don’t want to see this, because I can’t unsee it.
 But when I finally watched it, I understood, nobody’s going home.
 Anyone who sees this, well they’re going to be furious.
So the other night, I’m in my little clubhouse.
 And I’m watching Don Lemon, that hotbed of reality.
He says, “Where are all these celebrities? Why aren’t you talking?”
----Punchline----
This nigga said everybody.
----Tagline(s)----
I dare you!Has anyone ever listened to me do comedy?Have I not ever said anything about these things before?So, now, all the sudden, this nigga expects me to step in front of the streets and talk over the work these people are doing? As a celebrity? Answer me, do you want to see a celebrity right now? Do we give a fuck what Ja Rule thinks? Does it matter about celebrity? No! This is the streets talking for themselves.


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----Setup----
I kept my mouth shut.
And I’ll still keep my mouth shut.
But don’t think that my silence is complicit of all the shit these niggas are saying.
 Trying to get everyone to sing these fucking songs.
 I know all these songs.
I was raised on these songs.
Why would anyone care what their favorite comedian thinks after they saw a police officer kneel on a man’s neck for eight minutes and forty-six seconds? I can’t get that number out of my head because it was my time of birth on my birth certificate.
 I was born at 8:46 in the morning.
 And they killed this nigga.
 And eight minutes and forty-six seconds.
I watched everything everybody says.
 I see Candace Owens trying to convince white America, don’t worry about it, he’s a criminal anyway!I don’t give a fuck what this nigga did.
 I don’t care what this nigga did.
 I don’t care if he personally kicked Candace Owens in her stanky pussy.
----Punchline----
 I don’t know if it stinks but I imagine it does.


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----Setup----
And if I ever find out I’ll let you know for sure.
----Punchline----
 I’ll tell like Azealia Banks, I’ll tell.


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----Setup----
I’m the worst.
But I know why.
 I figured out why they want to hear it from me, and it’s serious.
The only reason people want to hear from people like me is because you trust me.
You don’t expect me to think perfect.
 But I don’t lie to you.
 I’m just a guy.
 And I don’t lie to you.
----Punchline----
 And every institution, every institution that we trust lies to us.


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----Setup----
How come they never talk about Chris Dorner?That’s a story about a man who believed he did everything right.
Do you know who Chris Dorner is?Chris Dorner, if you remember, was an African American police officer in the LA PD.
He was executing a warrant with his partner.
 Who was a white woman.
----Punchline----
And white women, I support you, but boy if you all don’t shut the fuck up.


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----Setup----
During the process of executing this warrant, this white woman did what Chris Dorner thought was excessive force.
 I don’t know what she did.
 She kicked the mother fucker that was handcuffed, or hit a guy that was handcuffed, or something.
 Chris Dorner, the Black police officer that watched this white woman do this, reported this to his superior.
 Made a formal complaint.
 And was subsequently fired from the LA PD.
He went through the system.
He took every legal avenue he believed he had to get reinstated.
And he was not reinstated.
And when his last appeal was finished, this motherfucker… some wild shit.
Wrote a manifesto, you know where this is going.
And in that manifesto, he called me a genius.
Me.
 Dave Chappelle.
Not just me, but me.
----Punchline----
He’s a Kevin Hart fan too.


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----Setup----
But he called me a genius.
 And he told Bradley Cooper who is a friend of mine, don’t do any more Hangovers, nigga, that’s enough.
----Punchline----
 That’s what he said.


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----Setup----
And he told his story.
 Chris Dorner told his story, how he did everything right when he was in the military, and subsequently, this was before any of this shit happened, and then he said, which was the wildest thing, he said I’m going to wage asymmetrical war on the LA police department and their families.
 Well, that’s an ominous thing to say.
And he did it.
This motherfucker, ambushed two police officers who just sitting in their squad car.
 Murdered them.
 He went to another police officer’s house and killed his daughter.
Boy, it was terrifying.
And this motherfucker was on the run.
 He was doing it.
 I was supposed to do the GRAMMYs.
 I was supposed to present at the GRAMMYs that week, and a guy from the LA PD called me and said, “Mr.
 Chappelle we understand you’re coming to Los Angeles, and I don’t know if you know, but there is a lunatic on the streets who is killing police officers and we would like to know if we can pick you up at the airport? We are extending this courtesy to everyone he mentioned in his manifesto.
 And I told the police, I’m fine.
----Punchline----
 I read the manifesto, he likes me.


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----Setup----
They found him.
Big Bear.
 He was hiding in a cabin.
 When they figured out where this nigga was, no less than 400 police officers showed up and answered the call.
 And boy let me tell you something, they swiss-cheesed this nigga.
 He is dead as dead could be.
 He is done.
----Punchline----
And you know why 400 cops showed up? Because one of their own was murdered.


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----Setup----
We saw ourselves like you see yourself.
They weren’t the only one.
----Punchline----
LeBron James once said something about racism and Laura Ingraham, which, I will say publicly anywhere, any time, is a cunt.
----Tagline(s)----
Tell ’em I said it.


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----Setup----
Told one of Ohio’s greatest residents ever: “Shut up and dribble.”
I’ll tell you something about LeBron.
This nigga was on the cover of Sports Illustrated when he was 17 years old, and exceeded every expectation that they had for him.
 This business is treacherous.
 This is a good guy LeBron, he’s a family man, and this, that and the other.
 He didn’t let anyone down.
 He didn’t let anyone down.
----Punchline----
 Came back to Ohio, won us a championship, and then was like, I’m going to move to LA, and everyone in Ohio was like, nigga we understand.


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----Setup----
He’s a good man, LaBron James.
 The bitch told my friend to shut up and dribble.
 My friend is the best at something, and this bitch is not the best at anything.
 Just a regular-ass white bitch with a platform.
 And I use the word bitch all the time because this is “black.”
[sigh]
Watch one shooting after another: Eric Garner in New York, the first guy that told the police, “I can’t breathe.”
 Eric Garner was selling loose cigarettes in Staten Island.
 When my kid was born, my first son, my wife lived in Staten Island, it’s an awful place.
 She knows it, everyone who’s ever been there knows it.
 Yuck, to Staten Island.
And my black ass would go there, and I got a lot of fans there, and friends there, but this is a very terrible place.
----Punchline----
 Fuck everybody in Staten Island except the Wu Tang Clan.


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----Setup----
Got murdered by one police officer while five of his fellow officers watched him do it.
[no audio]
Not one of them said, “Frank, Frank take it easy.”
 None of that shit.
 Because they were being recorded.
 Because they were afraid if I correct my fellow officer on this camera it’s going to open us up for some kind of liability.
 And the guy killed the person that they were, uh, what do you call it? Apprehending? The guy was selling loose cigarettes.
There goes Eric Garner.
[sigh]
 And then we have one after the other.
Trayvon Martin gets murdered by just a regular nigga that… George Zimmerman is nobody.
George Zimmerman is an awful human being.
 He threatened Beyonce’s life, he threatened Jay-Z’s life, he signed Skittle bags because Trayvon Martin had Skittles on him when he was murdered by George Zimmerman.
 Boy, how do we feel?How do we feel right now? This kid was 15 years old being followed by a grown man with a gun and whooped his monkey ass.
 He beat the shit out of George Zimmerman and George Zimmerman murdered him, I’m very upset.
 This kid looked eerily like the president, he looked like my own children.
 I hate George Zimmerman.
 As an idea.
 Not as a guy, I’ve never met him.
----Punchline----
 I’m sure I would though.


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----Setup----
Hit the streets.
 You got them marching.
 Dylann Roof.
 Dylann Roof killed eight people in a church in Charleston, South Carolina.
 He prayed with them first, and then he shot them at point-blank range.
It goes on and on.
 And in one weekend a law abiding citizen right here in Beaver Creek is murdered.
 The cop that murdered John Crawford pulled me over the night before and let me off with a warning.
 And the next day, kills a kid.
 He says, drop the weapon, bang bang bang.
This kid didn’t even have enough time to register that he was the one being spoken to.
This is our home town.
 It happened right here.
 I was very proud to be your neighbor, I love the way you guys hit those streets.
 We said his name and we tried to make sure everyone remembered him but he got lost in the sauce.
 And this guy John Crawford was a saint.
 He was there buying shit so him and his kids could make s’mores.
Michael Brown got shot the same week, and Michael Brown became the story.
And then, am I boring you?Well then, right back in Minneapolis was Philando Castile.
 Law abiding citizen, was a registered gun carrier, was trying to show police the paperwork for his registered weapon and was murdered in front of his wife and his child and then right in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, just two days later it happens again.
 And what do you think is going to happen? Three days later nine cops get murdered in Dallas at a Black Lives Matter rally.
Wow, I’ll never forget it.
 It was the first time I ever thought, I gotta get my family the fuck out of this place.
 These niggas will never understand.
 I’m tired of explaining to these people something that’s so goddamn obvious.
The guy that killed those nine cops, just like Chris Dorner before him, was from our military.
And then right after he did it, another four cops were shot dead in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
Again, a Black man, that served in our military.
 What are they doing? Why would our guys do that?Black people from the military? Because they believe, just like they did when they were joining the fucking military, that they were fighting acts of terror.
   These are our people.
 These are our countrymen.
If I were white, and saw one of these men get murdered and I was in the NRA why wouldn’t I stand up for them.
 A card carrying legal gun owner that gets murdered in cold blood?Because he’s Black.
That’s why they don’t give a fuck.
There’s only one time the NRA ever supported an assault weapon ban.
----Punchline----
You know when it was? It was when the Black Panthers stormed the state capital with assault rifles in California.


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----Setup----
Candace Owens, that rotten bitch.
She’s the worst.
 I can’t think of a worse way to make money.
The most articulate idiot I’ve ever seen in my fucking life.
 She’s so articulate she’ll tell you how fucking stupid she is precisely.
And she told George Floyd’s wrap record…On the internet.
 “Oh, he was the this, he did that, and he was, he’s a drug addict.
 And he was not a hero.
 And why does the Black community make him a hero? Why do you chose him as a hero?”
 We didn’t chose him, you did! They killed him, and that wasn’t right, so he’s the guy.
We’re not desperate for heroes in the Black community.
----Punchline----
 Any nigga that survives this nightmare is my goddamn hero.
----Tagline(s)----
This is not funny at all.


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----Setup----
Slavery is a really wild concept.
Uh, it’s some weird shit.
The night that those nine police officers were killed felt like the end of the world.
The only reason it wasn’t the end of the world, in my opinion, was because at the very same time that was happening, Kobe Bryant was playing his last game as an LA Laker.
 And as scary as all that shit was, I kept flipping back to see if Kobe would drop sixty, and he did.
 Oh, and he did.
And vaguely in the back of my mind I remember the idiot ass bitch telling somebody to shut up and dribble, and I watched this nigga dribbling and saving this goddamn country from itself.
 I loved Kobe Bryant.
 He died the night, the day I won a GRAMMY, he died.
That’s why I didn’t show up at the GRAMMYs.
 Because Kobe died.
 They had both of his fucking jersey numbers hanging up.
 8, 24.
 Well, that’s my birthday.
I cried like a baby.
[sighs]
So, here’s what I said on Saturday Night Live that I got completely wrong:At the end of my set I talked about how few Black people were invited to the White House.
How Frederick Douglass was the first.
 And that it didn’t happen again until Roosevelt.
But that was wrong.
 It happened one other time before that.
 Woodrow Wilson.
 Woodrow Wilson received delegation of African Americans at the White House.
 They were from South Carolina.
 There was a man who was lynched for a $30 dispute at a grain elevator and they killed him because the nigga was rich, and they hated him for being more welathy then they were, and they murdered him.
 And the people in South Carolina said, fuck that, and they went via the governor of South Carolina, it was a Black delegation that was facilitated to meet with Woodrow Wilson.
 That delegation was lead by the AME Bishop William David Chappelle.
That’s where I get my name.
----Punchline----
 It was my great- grandfather, who was a slave when he was born.


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----Setup----
These things are not old.
 This is not a long time ago, it’s today.
 It’s today.
That man’s wife was the woman that my father called on on his deathbed.
 And they were slaves.
Are you out of your fucking mind if you can’t see that? And these niggas say why isn’t David Chappelle saying anything? Because David Chappelle understands what the fuck he is seeing.
----Punchline----
 And these streets will speak for themselves weather I’m alive or dead.


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----Setup----
I trust you guys.
I love you guys.
We’ll keep this space open.
----Punchline----
This is the last stronghold for civil discourse.


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----Setup----
I love you very much, thank you for being here.
----Punchline----
 Goodnight.



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----Setup----
 You know, you know what I was thinking about all day today? This is really weird.
 First of all, I’m nervous.
 I should tell you that.
 You can’t tell, but, all inside.
 I was thinking about a person I never actually met, but I heard about all my life.
 I was thinking about my great grandfather, who apparently, by all accounts, was a very great man.
 He was born a slave in South Carolina.
 Was a slave for ten years of his life.
 And when the northerners came down, they started educating some of the newly freed black children, and he learned how to read.
 Got enamored with education and dedicated his life to three things: Education, freedom of black people, Jesus Christ.
 Became a juggernaut in the AME Church.
 It was a pretty amazing story my great grandfather had, and I thought about him all day today because I wish I could see him now.
 And I wish he could see me, because I wonder what he would say.
 This week I flew to New York on a private jet to host the Saturday Night Live.
 Netflix started streaming a show that bears his name, The Chappelle Show.
 And HBO Max is streaming it.
----Punchline----
 And I didn’t get paid for any of it.
----Tagline(s)----
 Yeah, if he could see me now he’d probably be like, “this nigga got bought and sold more than I have.”


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----Setup----
This morning after the results came in, got a text from a friend of mine in London.
 And she said, “The world feels like a safer place now that America has a new president.”
----Punchline----
 And I said, “That’s great, but America doesn’t.


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----Setup----
Do you guys remember what life was like before Covid? I do.
 There was a mass shooting every week.
----Punchline----
 Anyone remember that? Thank god for Covid.
----Tagline(s)----
 Someone had to lock these murderous whites up, keep them in the house.


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----Setup----
All summer long, you know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing shows in Ohio.
 I live in a small town in Ohio.
 And a lot of these small towns in America was dying.
 My town was dying.
----Punchline----
 So what I did is I did shows in my neighbor’s cornfield, and these shows were very successful and may have even helped save the town.
----Tagline(s)----
And the local farmers, my neighbors, started to complain that my shows were too noisy.


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Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:58.59221392056626%
----Setup----
 Too noisy in a cornfield.
 I had to have a whole town meeting about how noisy I was being in the cornfield.
----Punchline----
 It was so embarrassing.


Similarity Score:0.7857142857142857
Percent Error Setup:87.53573130061935%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:85.68619740464018%
----Setup----
 I resented it.
 I resented that these country farmers could decide a guy like me’s fate.
 People don’t deserve to do that.
 They haven’t seen enough, they don’t know anything.
----Punchline----
 They probably watch me right now, they are probably at home like, “HONEY, COME QUICK, COME QUICK, THE GUY FROM THE GROCERY STORE IS ON TELEVISION!”


Similarity Score:0.3103448275862069
Percent Error Setup:83.20033349213911%
Percent Error Punchline:169.11281489594742%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:70.34998033818324%
----Setup----
 “No, you big dummy.
----Punchline----
 The guy from television is at the grocery store.”


Similarity Score:0.4
Percent Error Setup:97.29037636969986%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:92.33189146677154%
----Setup----
Kind of guy that probably has an account on farmersonly.com.
 You ever heard of that website? 
----Punchline----
Farmersonly.com


Similarity Score:0.3333333333333333
Percent Error Setup:90.7872796569795%
Percent Error Punchline:90.03285870755751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:90.79826976012583%
----Setup----
 That’s gross.
They had a whole Zoom meeting about me.
 I didn’t talk on the meeting, I was just listening, managed to hear them talk about me.
 They’re saying, “Man, I’m trying to put my children to bed.
 And I keep hearing this guy screaming all night.
 My kids are trying to sleep, and all they hear is the “n” word.”
----Punchline----
 I said, “Was I saying it, or were you?”


Similarity Score:0.30985915492957744
Percent Error Setup:66.94259171033825%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:63.7042862760519%
----Setup----
 Hear that twang in his voice.
----Punchline----
 You know that twang where you hear that accent, like “Oooh, I know he doesn’t wear his mask.”


Similarity Score:0.6153846153846154
Percent Error Setup:96.20652691757981%
Percent Error Punchline:89.37568455640745%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:86.70861187573732%
----Setup----
 I don’t know why poor white people don’t like wearing masks.
----Punchline----
 What is the problem? You wear masks at the Klan rally, wear it to the Walmart too.
----Tagline(s)----
 Wear your Klan hood at Walmart so we can all feel safe.


Similarity Score:0.7272727272727273
Percent Error Setup:93.49690328727965%
Percent Error Punchline:79.40854326396494%
Percent Error TagLine:1227.0833333333335%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:77.50688163586315%
----Setup----
In a state like in Ohio, for instance, right, people make more money from their stimulus checks than they do if they work.
 So a lot of people don’t wanna work.
 You know what it reminded me of? Ronald Reagan.
----Punchline----
 Well, you a black fellow, you a young fellow, though, you don’t know about Ronald Reagan.


Similarity Score:0.7017543859649122
Percent Error Setup:78.32301095759885%
Percent Error Punchline:69.44140197152245%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:70.86118757373181%
----Setup----
 Stimulus checks, the heroin.
----Punchline----
 And the rest of the country is trying to move forward, and these white niggas keep holding us back.


Similarity Score:0.56
Percent Error Setup:97.29037636969986%
Percent Error Punchline:99.34282584884994%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:87.21981911128587%
----Setup----
   Don’t even want to wear your mask because it’s oppressive.
 Try wearing the mask I been wearing all these years! I can’t even tell something true unless it has a punchline behind it.
 You guys aren’t ready.
 You’re not ready for this.
 You don’t know how to survive yourselves.
 Black people, we’re the only ones that know how to survive this.
----Punchline----
 Whites come, hurry, quick, come get your nigga lessons.


Similarity Score:0.35135135135135137
Percent Error Setup:65.31681753215817%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:62.170664569406206%
----Setup----
 You need us.
----Punchline----
 You need our eyes to save you from yourselves.
----Tagline(s)----
 This is what they look like at the back! You need some black eyes to look at you like — “Uh-uh! Hmmm, stop doin that.”
Now Trump is gone.


Similarity Score:0.3111111111111111
Percent Error Setup:97.83230109575989%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:2838.541666666667%
Percent TagLine Number:31.249999999999993%
Percent Error Total:76.99567440031458%
----Setup----
A lot of people don’t like him, but I thought the guy was at least an optimist.
----Punchline----
 I am not as optimistic as he was.
----Tagline(s)----
 All right, just trying it out.


Similarity Score:0.6470588235294118
Percent Error Setup:90.7872796569795%
Percent Error Punchline:10.295728368017523%
Percent Error TagLine:658.3333333333333%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:82.6189539913488%
----Setup----
 Called the coronavirus the kung flu.
----Punchline----
 I said, you racist — hilarious son of a bitch.


Similarity Score:0.6666666666666666
Percent Error Setup:96.20652691757981%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:90.79826976012583%
----Setup----
 It’s wrong when you say it.
Saw him on a press conference one time, Donald Trump’s a wild guy, you ever see this? He was on a press conference, tried to guess the cure of the coronavirus in front of the whole world.
 It’s a wild thing to do.
 “What about a very powerful light? Directly in the body?”
 I say, what? Did this man just suggest that I put sunshine directly in my body? Well, that’s insane! He went further.
 “What about some bleach? Some bleach directly in your body.”
 I said, oh, boy.
 Secret service is gonna have to childproof the White House now, he’s gonna try to drink the bleach! “Mr.President, don’t touch that stove, it’s hot.
----Punchline----
 Turn those scissors around if you’re going to run around the house like this, Mr.President.”


Similarity Score:0.35294117647058826
Percent Error Setup:34.96903287279657%
Percent Error Punchline:59.47426067907996%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:30.475815965395203%
----Setup----
Scariest part about that — one of the leading virologists in the world was sitting as close as you are to me, and she just watched him say it.
 It was crazy.
----Punchline----
 Her face was looking like, “He might be right.”


Similarity Score:0.6666666666666666
Percent Error Setup:82.65840876607908%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:78.52929610696027%
----Setup----
 I saw that, I said, “Oh, that’s why — that’s why.
----Punchline----
 That’s why women make half.”


Similarity Score:0.3333333333333333
Percent Error Setup:93.49690328727965%
Percent Error Punchline:40.197152245345016%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:90.79826976012583%
----Setup----
 I don’t know what it is.
----Punchline----
 Half, maybe 70%, whatever it is, it’s too much.


Similarity Score:1.0588235294117647
Percent Error Setup:96.20652691757981%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:91.3094769956744%
----Setup----
 I’m sorry, Lorne, I thought we were having a comedy show.
----Punchline----
 It’s like a woke meeting in here.
----Tagline(s)----
 And after all of that you know what he did? You know what Trump did after all that stuff? Went out and got the coronavirus.


Similarity Score:0.6808510638297872
Percent Error Setup:93.49690328727965%
Percent Error Punchline:20.26286966046002%
Percent Error TagLine:2459.375%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:75.97325992921746%
----Setup----
 You know, when he got coronavirus, they said everything about it on the news.
----Punchline----
 But you know what they didn’t say? That it was hilarious.


Similarity Score:0.8888888888888888
Percent Error Setup:91.87112910909957%
Percent Error Punchline:19.605695509309967%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:86.19740464018875%
----Setup----
 It was hilarious.
 Trump getting coronavirus was like when Freddie Mercury got AIDS.
----Punchline----
 Nobody was like, “Well, how did he get it?”


Similarity Score:0.25
Percent Error Setup:92.4130538351596%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:87.73102634683445%
----Setup----
This guy’s running around like the outbreak monkey.
----Punchline----
 Looked like a 1970s penis, raw-dogging earth.


Similarity Score:0.5
Percent Error Setup:95.66460219151978%
Percent Error Punchline:20.26286966046002%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:91.82068423122296%
----Setup----
 The day after, he made fun of Joe Biden’s mask.
 “This guy wears the biggest mask I’ve ever seen!”
----Punchline----
  Which is a ridiculous thing — Joe Biden’s mask wasn’t any bigger than everybody else’s mask, Mr. President.


Similarity Score:0.2
Percent Error Setup:89.16150547879943%
Percent Error Punchline:99.34282584884994%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:79.55171057805741%
----Setup----
Lucky for the rest of the country though, he had a good health care plan, didn’t he? Some good coverage.
----Punchline----
 Helicopter picked him up.


Similarity Score:0.48
Percent Error Setup:89.16150547879943%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:87.21981911128587%
----Setup----
 Right in his front yard.
 Helicopter came.
 Remember that video? He’s walking to the helicopter all by himself? No one wanted to be around him.
 Usually he’s walking to the helicopter with a bunch of people.
----Punchline----
 No one’s around him this time, because you know, you know, he had the rona.
----Tagline(s)----
 Had his mask on then, didn’t he? He’s walking.


Similarity Score:0.4375
Percent Error Setup:79.94878513577895%
Percent Error Punchline:59.47426067907996%
Percent Error TagLine:942.7083333333334%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:67.28273692489186%
----Setup----
 Helicopter took him to Walter Reed hospital.
 You know, I’m from D.C.
----Punchline----
 and I got to tell you, Walter Reed is not close to the White House, but you can walk.


Similarity Score:0.7272727272727273
Percent Error Setup:92.95497856121962%
Percent Error Punchline:99.34282584884994%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:83.13016122689737%
----Setup----
 Team of doctors was waiting for him, all the doctors came around, gave him experimental medicine and stuff, and flew him back home in the helicopter.
----Punchline----
 And then he walked right up the steps — you ever seen this video? — he took his mask off, saluted the helicopter, and then he walked right in the house, killed four more people.


Similarity Score:0.31746031746031744
Percent Error Setup:85.36803239637922%
Percent Error Punchline:258.8170865279299%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:67.79394416044042%
----Setup----
 Some cold stuff, man.
 That’s some cold stuff.
----Punchline----
 That would be like me going to the homeless shelter with a bag full of hamburgers and saying, “These is mines.”


Similarity Score:0.7741935483870968
Percent Error Setup:95.12267746545973%
Percent Error Punchline:119.27710843373494%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:84.1525756979945%
----Setup----
 And then just start eating in front of all the homeless.
----Punchline----
 “Don’t let hunger dictate your life!”


Similarity Score:0.8421052631578947
Percent Error Setup:93.49690328727965%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:90.28706252457727%
----Setup----
That was cold, man.
----Punchline----
 Meanwhile, Chris Christie‘s fat ass is in the ICU, fighting for his life.


Similarity Score:0.6666666666666666
Percent Error Setup:97.83230109575989%
Percent Error Punchline:39.539978094194964%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:90.79826976012583%
----Setup----
 Chris Christie got all the fixins.
 Everything coronavirus likes to eat, that’s what’s in Chris Christie’s body.
 Fat, check.
 Asthma, check.
 Diabetes, check.
 Coronavirus like, mmm-mmm! Herman Cain‘s black ass has been dead for two weeks! Where’s his secret serum? That’s your leader! Think about that.
 For four years.
 That’s your leader.
----Punchline----
 What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives and die? A white man.


Similarity Score:0.3
Percent Error Setup:71.27798951881849%
Percent Error Punchline:169.11281489594742%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:59.10342115611482%
----Setup----
But if you’re a good white, and you actually want to help, then join me.
 I’m not even joking.
 This is my plan.
 It’s called the kindness conspiracy.
 Random acts of kindness for black people.
 Do something nice for a black person — just because they’re black.
----Punchline----
 And you got to make sure they don’t deserve it.


Similarity Score:0.5862068965517241
Percent Error Setup:74.52953787517865%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:70.34998033818324%
----Setup----
 It’s a very important part of it.
 They can’t deserve it.
 The same way all them years they did terrible things to black people just because they’re black — and they didn’t deserve it.
 If you driving through the hood one day and you see a black dude standing on the corner, selling crack, destroying his community… buy him an ice cream.
 Just buy him some ice cream.
----Punchline----
 He’ll be suspicious… but he’ll take it.



Similarity Score:0.23376623376623376
Percent Error Setup:62.607193901858025%
Percent Error Punchline:20.26286966046002%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:60.63704286276052%
----Setup----
I would implore everybody who’s celebrating a day to remember, it’s good to be a humble winner.
 Remember when I was here four years ago? Remember how bad that felt? Remember that half the country right now still feels that way.
 Please remember that.
 Remember that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping.
 Because of heroin, because of suicide.
 All these white people out there that feel that anguish, that pain, they are mad because they think nobody cares, and maybe they don’t.
 Let me tell you something.
 I know how that feels.
 I promise you, I know how that feels.
 If you’re a police officer, and every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you’ve got a target on your back, you’re appalled by the ingratitude that people have when you would risk your life to save them — Oh, man, believe me, believe me, I know how that feels.
 Everyone knows how that feels.
 But here’s the difference between me and you.
 You guys hate each other for that.
 And I don’t hate anybody.
 I just hate that feeling.
 That’s what I fight through.
 That’s what I suggest you fight through.
 You got to find a way to live your life.
 You got to find a way to forgive each other.
 You got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling.
----Punchline----
 And if you can’t do that — come get these nigga lessons.

Similarity Score:0.24313725490196078
Percent Error Setup:31.14578370652692%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:30.357845064884%
----Setup----
Everybody have a seat, be comfortable, relax.
----Punchline----
 I got to tell you… let’s go.


Similarity Score:0.9333333333333333
Percent Error Setup:96.20652691757981%
Percent Error Punchline:20.26286966046002%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:92.33189146677154%
----Setup----
Thank you.
 I need you guys to know something.
 And I’m gonna tell you the truth, and don’t get freaked out.
 This is going to be my last special for a minute.
[audience screams]
It is all good.
 Listen to me.
----Punchline----
 I did it in Detroit for that reason.


Similarity Score:0.7916666666666666
Percent Error Setup:78.86493568365889%
Percent Error Punchline:10.295728368017523%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:75.4620526936689%
----Setup----
That’s right.
 You wanna know why? ‘Cause I talked so much shit about Detroit in the first special I figured, I might as well, do the last special here.
----Punchline----
 Sorry about that, by the way.
----Tagline(s)----
First of all, before I even start, I’m gonna say that “I’m rich and famous.”


Similarity Score:0.38461538461538464
Percent Error Setup:84.28418294425917%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:1416.6666666666665%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:73.41722375147464%
----Setup----
And the only reason I say that is ’cause the last 17 months were hell, and I cannot imagine what everybody went through.
----Punchline----
 Well, I’m happy to see you and I’m happy you’re well and I hope everyone you love is okay.
----Tagline(s)----
I don’t want you to worry about me, I’m… vaccinated, I… 
 got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine.
I got to admit, that’s probably the most niggaish decision I’ve made in a long time.
I walk in to the doc like, “Give me the third best option.”


Similarity Score:0.34782608695652173
Percent Error Setup:87.53573130061935%
Percent Error Punchline:99.34282584884994%
Percent Error TagLine:4544.791666666666%
Percent TagLine Number:14.583333333333343%
Percent Error Total:52.96893432953205%
----Setup----
I’ll have what the homeless people are having.
 So far, so good.
 And I know you probably heard on the news, I did get coronavirus.
 And it was something else.
 Like, okay first of all, when the doctor told me I had coronavirus I got to tell you, I was surprised how it made me feel.
----Punchline----
 I felt dirty.


Similarity Score:0.43333333333333335
Percent Error Setup:69.6522153406384%
Percent Error Punchline:60.13143483023001%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:69.32756586708612%
----Setup----
 I felt gross.
 ‘Cause I’ve been walking around Texas just touching door knobs and shit, hands all moist.
 Tipping niggas with cash.
----Punchline----
 “Here, take this to your family.”


Similarity Score:0.3333333333333333
Percent Error Setup:87.53573130061935%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:84.66378293354306%
----Setup----
 I must have killed thousands of people.
----Punchline----
 Just trying to get tonight’s show together so I hope you appreciate it ’cause a lot of niggas died for me to get this one off.


Similarity Score:0.6285714285714286
Percent Error Setup:95.66460219151978%
Percent Error Punchline:169.11281489594742%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:82.10774675580024%
----Setup----
I hadn’t felt that dirty in a long time.
 Last time I can remember, feeling dirty like that, man, I must have been a little boy.
----Punchline----
 I was being molested by a preacher.
----Tagline(s)----
 But don’t feel bad for me, I liked it.
 I used to get a kick out of cumming in that fellows face.


Similarity Score:0.4406779661016949
Percent Error Setup:85.90995712243927%
Percent Error Punchline:20.26286966046002%
Percent Error TagLine:2269.791666666667%
Percent TagLine Number:31.249999999999993%
Percent Error Total:69.83877310263469%
----Setup----
Well, he asked me to do it.
They make you quarantine.
 I had to quarantine for ten days at least.
 They said “You’re gonna have to stay in the room,” I didn’t go nowhere.
 And it started making me nuts, ’cause I would just sit in the room and watch videos all day.
 Now, do you know what I was watching? And I hate to say this, but there was a lot of videos sadly, of Black people… beating up Asians for no reason.
 These attacks were unprovoked, I couldn’t believe it.
 And I was sitting in the room watching this shit, it would stress me out.
 I was stressed already because the whole time when you get coronavirus, at least the first five days you wait, and see how sick you’re gonna get.
----Punchline----
 And it turns out, and this is true… I didn’t get sick at all.


Similarity Score:0.36486486486486486
Percent Error Setup:27.9240114340162%
Percent Error Punchline:49.50711938663746%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:24.341329138812426%
----Setup----
 Not a cough, not a booger, not a fever, nothing.
----Punchline----
 Look at me I am the Magic Johnson of coronavirus.


Similarity Score:0.45454545454545453
Percent Error Setup:94.03882801333968%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:88.75344081793158%
----Setup----
I just sat in the crib and got stronger all week.
 But I was stressed, ’cause I kept watching these videos of my beloved Black people beating up my beloved Asian people, and being so cruel.
 And the whole time I watched those videos, this is fucked up but I couldn’t help but feel like… When I saw these brothers beating these Asians up.
----Punchline----
 It’s probably what’s happening inside of my body.


Similarity Score:0.3287671232876712
Percent Error Setup:65.31681753215817%
Percent Error Punchline:10.295728368017523%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:62.68187180495478%
----Setup----
I didn’t get sick.
I also saw a lot of videos of UFOs.
 I mean, what the fuck has been going on with that shit? This niggas are here.
 These UFOs keep coming to Earth and it made me think of an idea for a movie.
 Sounds dumb, but hear me out.
 In my movie idea we find out that these aliens are originally from Earth.
 That they are from an ancient civilization that achieved interstellar travel and left the Earth thousands of years ago.
 Some other planet that they go to and things go terrible for them in the other planet so they come back to Earth and decide that they want to claim the Earth for their very own.
 It is a pretty good plotline, huh?[audience]
----Punchline----
 Yeah! I call it Space Jews.


Similarity Score:0.29850746268656714
Percent Error Setup:31.17555979037637%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:31.49823043649233%
----Setup----
 Space Jews.
[man]
 We loved it!Alright.
----Punchline----
 It’s going to get worse than that, hang in there.


Similarity Score:0.7058823529411765
Percent Error Setup:96.74845164363984%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:91.3094769956744%
----Setup----
It is going to get way worse than that.
 Then I thought of an idea for a children’s book.
 I actually wrote it.
 It is coming out soon.
 The book is designed to help parents, teach their children about racism which, if you’re a parent you know is an impossible concept to teach to a child.
 But I’m doing it.
 The book is about a big, strong beautiful Black man with a benign, regular-ass White name… and he has a White speaking voice.
----Punchline----
 So whenever this motherfucker calls to get a reservation at a restaurant, oh, he gets the reservation.


Similarity Score:0.27722772277227725
Percent Error Setup:55.02024773701763%
Percent Error Punchline:79.40854326396494%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:48.368069209594964%
----Setup----
 That name and that voice, who could resist him? Now I should tell you, this Black man is literally an actual giant.
 And he is a strong dude.
 And when he shows up to them restaurants they see that big giant Black dude they say “You can’t come in here.”
 And they call the police.
----Punchline----
 And then every installment of the book the police come, and they always shoot him.


Similarity Score:0.3611111111111111
Percent Error Setup:69.6522153406384%
Percent Error Punchline:59.47426067907996%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:63.19307904050334%
----Setup----
But remember, no, remember this guy is a giant, these bullets don’t kill him, they don’t even hurt him.
----Punchline----
 They just break his heart.


Similarity Score:0.24
Percent Error Setup:89.70343020485946%
Percent Error Punchline:40.197152245345016%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:87.21981911128587%
----Setup----
This is my last special, because I have an objective tonight.
 I came here tonight… because this body of work, that I’ve done on Netflix I’m going to complete.
 All the questions you might have had about all these jokes I’d said in the last few years I hope to answer tonight.
----Punchline----
 And I would like to start by addressing the LBGTQ community, correct.
----Tagline(s)----
   And I want every member of the community to know that I’ve come here tonight in peace.
 And I hope to negotiate the release of DaBaby.


Similarity Score:0.3958333333333333
Percent Error Setup:71.81991424487852%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:2838.541666666667%
Percent TagLine Number:31.249999999999993%
Percent Error Total:50.92410538733779%
----Setup----
Sad story! DaBaby was the number one streaming artist until about a couple of weeks ago.
 Took a nasty spill onstage, and said some… said some wild stuff about the LBGTQ community during a concert in Florida.
 Now you know, I go hard in the paint but even I saw that shit was like, “God damn, DaBaby.”
 He pushed the button, didn’t he? He pushed the button.
----Punchline----
 Punched the LBGTQ community, right in the AIDS.


Similarity Score:0.3684210526315789
Percent Error Setup:63.69104335397808%
Percent Error Punchline:10.295728368017523%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:61.148250098309084%
----Setup----
Can’t do that.
 Can’t do that.
 But I do believe and I’ll make this point later that the kid made a very egregious mistake.
 I will acknowledge that.
 But, you know a lot of the LBGTQ community doesn’t know DaBaby’s history, he’s a wild guy.
 He once shot a nigga… and killed him, in Walmart.
 Oh, this is true, Google it.
 DaBaby shot and killed a nigga in Walmart in North Carolina.
----Punchline----
 Nothing bad happened to his career.
----Tagline(s)----
Do you see where I am going with this? In our country, you can shoot and kill a nigga but you better not hurt a gay person’s feelings.


Similarity Score:0.35185185185185186
Percent Error Setup:60.981419723677945%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:2648.958333333333%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:44.78961856075501%
----Setup----
 And this is precisely the disparity I wish to discuss.
 I have a question for the audience and this is a real question, I am not joking around.
 Is it possible, that a gay person can be racist? [audience]
 Yes! Yeah!Do you really think so?[audience]
 Yeah! Of course it is possible.
----Punchline----
 Look at Mike Pence.


Similarity Score:0.3508771929824561
Percent Error Setup:71.81991424487852%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:70.86118757373181%
----Setup----
I am guessing, but I bet you, he is gay.
Yeah.
[woman]
 Oh my God.
And he is not pride parade gay either, he is sad gay.
 I feel bad for him.
 He looks like one of them gays that prays about it.
----Punchline----
 Jesus, please take these dirty feelings out of my heart.


Similarity Score:0.35294117647058826
Percent Error Setup:78.32301095759885%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:73.92843098702319%
----Setup----
 Please Jesus, make these buttholes ugly to me.
----Punchline----
 I don’t want to keep on tasting these dicks.


Similarity Score:1.5789473684210527
Percent Error Setup:95.12267746545973%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:90.28706252457727%
----Setup----
 Funny.
 You guys are confusing your emotions.
 You think I hate gay people and what you’re really seeing is that I’m jealous of gay people.
 I’m jealous, I’m not the only Black person, that feels this way.
----Punchline----
 We Blacks, we look at the gay community and we go “God damn it! Look how well that movement is going.”
----Tagline(s)----
“Look how well you are doing.”


Similarity Score:0.26865671641791045
Percent Error Setup:79.40686040971892%
Percent Error Punchline:119.27710843373494%
Percent Error TagLine:563.5416666666667%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:65.74911521824617%
----Setup----
And we’ve been trapped in this predicament for hundreds of years.
----Punchline----
 How the fuck are you making that kind of progress? I can’t help but feel like if slaves had baby oil and booty shorts… 


Similarity Score:0.4864864864864865
Percent Error Setup:94.03882801333968%
Percent Error Punchline:159.14567360350495%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:81.0853322847031%
----Setup----
 …we might have been free a hundred years sooner.
 You know what I mean? If Martin Luther King was like, “I want everybody to get up on them floats.
 Get your bodies good and shiny.”
 I don’t hate gay people at all, I respect the shit out of you.
 Well, not all of you.
 I am not that fond of these newer gays.
 Too sensitive, too brittle.
 Those aren’t the gays that I grew up with, I missed them old school gays, nigga.
----Punchline----
 Them Stonewall niggas, them the ones that I respect.


Similarity Score:0.44680851063829785
Percent Error Setup:54.478323010957595%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:51.94651985843491%
----Setup----
They didn’t take shit from anybody, they fought for their freedom.
 I respect that shit, I’m not even gay and I want to be like a Stonewall nigga.
 Them old school, gangster gays.
----Punchline----
 Them glory hole niggas, them the ones I like.


Similarity Score:0.6046511627906976
Percent Error Setup:82.11648404001906%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:78.01808887141172%
----Setup----
These new gays don’t even know what the glory hole is.
----Punchline----
 It’s a hole in the wall, that gay contractors build.


Similarity Score:0.6363636363636364
Percent Error Setup:94.03882801333968%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:88.75344081793158%
----Setup----
 You want to know why they put that hole in the wall? I’ll tell you, there is no nice way to say it.
 ‘Cause when they want to have some fun they will put their penises in that hole and hope for the best.
 I respect that shit.
----Punchline----
 It’s a lot of courage on both sides of that hole nigga.
----Tagline(s)----
 I’m not even gay and I want to try that glory hole out.


Similarity Score:0.6233766233766234
Percent Error Setup:73.4456884230586%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:1321.875%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:60.63704286276052%
----Setup----
What if Martin Luther King had to integrate the glory hole? “I don’t care if it is Black lips back there or White lips back there a mouth is a mouth.
 A warm wet mouth.”
 I’m going all the way.
 I got into a fight.
 I almost got into a fight, it is complicated.
 I was in a bar in Austin, with my wife and it was during Covid, and a woman came to our table and she was maskless, and this bitch came over, no mask, all “H” words.
----Punchline----
 “Hi, how are you?”


Similarity Score:0.3157894736842105
Percent Error Setup:51.22677465459743%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:51.43531262288635%
----Setup----
Droplets was coming out of this bitch’s face.
 We all covered our drinks.
 Ew! Baby, what are you doing? Now I looked over the table that she came from, and I peeped game.
 The men at the table were filming me.
 This happens when you’re famous.
 People will come over and try to rattle your cage and get you to say something stupid or dumb so that their buddies can film it and get a video of you embarrassing yourself.
 And clearly I said, “This is what is happening.”
----Punchline----
 And these dumb motherfuckers thought, it was my first rodeo.
----Tagline(s)----
Sadly it worked.
I ran right over there, I said… I pointed right in the camera I said, “You is a bitch-ass nigga for doing this to me.”


Similarity Score:0.26356589147286824
Percent Error Setup:51.76869938065746%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:2648.958333333333%
Percent TagLine Number:31.249999999999993%
Percent Error Total:34.054266614235154%
----Setup----
And the dude was shocked that I said it.
 He said “Huh?”
----Punchline----
 And when he did like this, I’ve seen all his fingernails is painted and I realized like, “Oh-oh.”


Similarity Score:0.45161290322580644
Percent Error Setup:93.49690328727965%
Percent Error Punchline:89.37568455640745%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:84.1525756979945%
----Setup----
 “This fellow is gay.”
 Yeah, you know how I talk.
 I call everybody a bitch-ass nigga.
 You know what I mean? But that is not a right thing to do if they’re gay.
 You know what I mean? And now I was in trouble and not only that, the motherfucker was huge.
 He stood up, he was towering over me.
 He must have been 6′ 5″, a big White corn-fed Texas homosexual, this nigga was ready to fight.
 And he started barking on me, but I stood my ground, I wasn’t scared.
 How could I be scared? This motherfucker’s shirt was tied up in a knot like this.
 Oh, fuck this guy.
 Let’s go, nigga, let’s go.
 I thought we were going to come to blows.
 I was ready and then right when you think we would fight, guess what he did? He picked up his phone and he called the police.
 And this, this thing I am describing is a major issue that I have with that community.
----Punchline----
 Gay people are minorities, until they need to be White again.
----Tagline(s)----


Similarity Score:0.26229508196721313
Percent Error Setup:7.87279656979514%
Percent Error Punchline:19.605695509309967%
Percent Error TagLine:5.208333333333336%
Percent TagLine Number:77.08333333333334%
Percent Error Total:6.449075894612662%
----Setup----
I’m being very brutally honest, so we can solve this problem.
 I’m telling you right now a Black gay person would have never done that to me.
 ‘Cause a Black gay person knows, when the police shows up they’re not going to care who called ’em.
----Punchline----
 They don’t show up like, “Which one of you niggers is Clifford?”


Similarity Score:0.3728813559322034
Percent Error Setup:75.07146260123868%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:69.83877310263469%
----Setup----
 We’re all Clifford.
 This happens far too often.
 Another time, about six years ago, there was a lesbian woman that tried to sell a story about me to TMZ.
 Thank goodness, TMZ could see right through the sham of that story.
 This woman claimed that I beat her up in a night club because she was a lesbian.
 That is fuckin’ crazy.
----Punchline----
 Bitch, I didn’t even know you was a woman.
----Tagline(s)----
Thank God! TMZ didn’t believe that because I did beat the shit out of her, I am not gonna lie.


Similarity Score:0.23404255319148937
Percent Error Setup:65.8587422582182%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:1890.625%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:51.94651985843491%
----Setup----
It was her fault, I had no choice.
 I came into the club minding my own business and a woman came up to me, and she goes “Oh my God, Dave Chappelle.”
 And I was just being reciprocally nice.
 “Hey, miss, how are you?”
 Blah, blah, blah.
 Benign talk, nothing to it.
 And all of a sudden this lesbian fellow stepped between us.
 “Hey nigga, that’s my girl!”
 I said, “Yo, my man, back up.”
 Like that.
 She said, “I ain’t backing up off shit, nigga, that’s my girl!”
 I said, “Bro, you gonna have to give me three feet, like this.”
 She said, “Stop calling me a man, motherfucker.”
I am a woman.”
----Punchline----
I said, “What?”


Similarity Score:0.25862068965517243
Percent Error Setup:38.76250595521677%
Percent Error Punchline:70.09857612267251%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:40.6999606763665%
----Setup----
 And then I looked deep in this nigga’s cheek bones.
 And I said, “Oh my God, you are a woman.”
 This is too much for me to even wrap my mind around but I tell you what, I un-balled my fist immediately and I softened my posture so that she would know, she is in no danger.
 I even changed the tone of my voice.
----Punchline----
 I said softly, sweetly, like a pimp might say.
----Tagline(s)----
 “Bitch, I’m ’bout to slap the shit out of you.”


Similarity Score:0.3181818181818182
Percent Error Setup:64.2329680800381%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:1037.5%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:55.01376327172631%
----Setup----
I should have done it.
 Oh, I wish I didn’t say that.
 She dropped that foot back, she was in a perfect southpaw stance.
 Her shoulders were angled correctly, her head movement was good, I said “Oh, no! this bitch boxes for real.”
 She threw a wild hook at me and I saw it coming from yesterday, so I slipped it like this… I had no choice, I had to go to work.
 I let that jab go, you should have seen me go nigga.
----Punchline----
 I tenderized them titties like chicken cutlets.
----Tagline(s)----
 I whooped the toxic masculinity out of that bitch.


Similarity Score:0.2692307692307692
Percent Error Setup:53.93639828489757%
Percent Error Punchline:20.26286966046002%
Percent Error TagLine:942.7083333333334%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:46.834447502949274%
----Setup----
That is why I don’t go out no more.
 Just trying to chill, I’m just trying to live a peaceful life.
 That’s why I live in Ohio, you know, I live in a little town in Ohio.
 Must be like 3700 people, small hippie town.
----Punchline----
 Culturally you might feel like, like Ann Arbor to you.


Similarity Score:0.42857142857142855
Percent Error Setup:75.61338732729871%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:71.37239480928038%
----Setup----
 You know what I mean? Bunch of hippies and shit like that.
 And niggas always ask me like, “Dave, why do you live in that hippie town?”
 And I’d be embarrassed to tell ’em the truth.
 Well, you know why I live there? Because Yellow Springs, Ohio has the most beautiful women in the world.
 And a lot of people might disagree with me but, you got to see them for yourself, they’re gorgeous.
 But it all depends on what you’re into.
----Punchline----
 You know what I mean? I like White bitches with dirty feet.


Similarity Score:0.625
Percent Error Setup:55.02024773701763%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:50.92410538733779%
----Setup----
   If I had a strip club in Yellow Springs, I would have called that shit “Strippies.”
 All naked hippies, all the time.
 And I would only hire girls with long titties and long vagina head that looks like they slept on it.
 And I would keep a pile of dirt, right next to the stage.
 I’d come up like, “Bitch get your feet in that dirt and get up there and give those people what they came to see.”
 “Chalk up, bitch.”
 Couple of years ago I was in Ohio, at a shopping mall.
 An old White lady… This is true, she was following me around the mall.
 Which sounds paranoid, but I’m sure she was following me.
 Mean lady too.
 You ever see a woman with lines on her face? That just tell you like… even if she’s smiling, it would look like it would hurt the muscles in her face.
 I knew she was following me, ’cause she was at places that had nothing to do with her I’d be looking around like, “What is this old bitch doing in Gamestop and Footlocker and all the places I like to go?”
 Every time I see her, she’d just be looking mean on me.
 And eventually I forgot about it.
 So, then after, I am shopping I go all the way to the back of the parking lot, I’m parked all the way in the back and as soon as I open my car door I hear a voice go, “David Chappelle.”
 Just like that.
 I didn’t even have to look, I knew it was her.
 And I looked back and sure enough there she was, that face.
 To be honest with you, she probably wasn’t even that old.
 She’s probably around my age.
----Punchline----
 But she was a White woman, this bitch looked terrible.


Similarity Score:0.21359223300970873
Percent Error Setup:61.49356836588852%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:57.96303578450649%
----Setup----
 I’m going all the way.
 I kept my cool, I was nice.
 I said, “Hello, miss.”
 And she didn’t say anything back, all she said was “I watch your comedy.”
 I said “Oh-oh.”
 And then she says, this is true, she goes, “Sounds to me… like you, hate women.”
 I said, “Well, you know what, miss? It’s art.”
 You are free to interpret this art however you like but I can tell you as the maker of this art that I don’t believe that I feel that way.
----Punchline----
 And she said, “Well, I think…” And I said, “Shut up, bitch! Shut the fuck up!”


Similarity Score:0.4339622641509434
Percent Error Setup:51.76869938065746%
Percent Error Punchline:69.44140197152245%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:45.812033031852145%
----Setup----
“Before I kill you and put you in the trunk.
----Punchline----
 Ain’t nobody around here.”


Similarity Score:1.0666666666666667
Percent Error Setup:94.58075273939971%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:92.33189146677154%
----Setup----
I’m just kidding, I didn’t say that.
 I felt that way, but that’s not what I said.
 I was more clever than that.
 You know what I said? And this is exactly what I said, I said, “Miss, before you finish that statement, let me ask you a question.
 Where did you see me? Did you buy a ticket to a concert I did, I doubt that.
 Or, maybe you watched one of my specials on Netflix.
 Or… Or… Did I follow you to your car and do my act?”
 She said, “What?”
----Punchline----
 I said, “Keep it in the comments section, bitch, this is real life, ta-ta.”


Similarity Score:0.42592592592592593
Percent Error Setup:49.60100047641734%
Percent Error Punchline:49.50711938663746%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:44.78961856075501%
----Setup----
And then I drove off.
 And now I got to tell you and this is gonna surprise some people here, but not everybody.
 People say things to me all the time but what you don’t know, is it does affect me.
 I think about it.
 And that one bothered me a lot, I was driving home, couldn’t stop thinking about what this woman said because she is not the first woman that said that to me.
 It’s puzzling.
----Punchline----
 You know what I mean? Like, what could I possibly be saying… that would make these bitches think, I hate women.


Similarity Score:0.56
Percent Error Setup:57.72987136731778%
Percent Error Punchline:119.27710843373494%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:48.87927644514353%
----Setup----
 Couldn’t figure it out.
 So, you know what I did? I Googled the dictionary definition of a feminist just to make sure, I was talking about the right thing.
 And do you know, sir, what the dictionary definition of a feminist is? I didn’t either, listen to this.
 Webster’s defines a feminist as a human being, not a woman, a human being, that believes in equal rights for women.
----Punchline----
 I was shocked, ’cause that is what that meant ’cause by that definition I would consider myself a feminist, and I didn’t even know that at the time.
----Tagline(s)----
All these years, I thought it meant frumpy dyke.
Well, that seems always talking to be some… chick in overalls, “Men are trying to rape us.”


Similarity Score:0.3333333333333333
Percent Error Setup:62.065269175798%
Percent Error Punchline:189.0470974808324%
Percent Error TagLine:2459.375%
Percent TagLine Number:31.249999999999993%
Percent Error Total:35.58788832088085%
----Setup----
I know, look, listen, I support the feminist movement, I do in my own ways.
 Well, you guys did the women’s march, I tried to go and support you and none of my friends would go with me.
 I asked all the fellows, none of them wanted to go.
 I tried everything.
 “Come on y’all, there’s gonna be bitches there.”
----Punchline----
 They was like, “Nope.”


Similarity Score:0.4
Percent Error Setup:67.4845164363983%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:66.7715296893433%
----Setup----
 So what I did is, I called my friend Anj.
 Anj is a Black woman who is a comedy writer and she’s dope.
 A matter of fact, a matter of fact, she’s the only woman, that I know personally that pays her ex-husband alimony.
 And she sounds just like a man when she does it.
----Punchline----
 “Fuck that broke motherfucker” and all that, she says all that shit.


Similarity Score:0.2608695652173913
Percent Error Setup:69.6522153406384%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:64.72670074714904%
----Setup----
So I hit Anj up, I hit her on the text and all I did, I texted.
 I said, “Anj, are you going to the women’s march?”
----Punchline----
 And she texted me back, and this is a real text, she said… she said, “I hope those White bitches get tear gassed.”


Similarity Score:0.43137254901960786
Percent Error Setup:85.36803239637922%
Percent Error Punchline:139.21139101861993%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:73.92843098702319%
----Setup----
There is a problem in that feminist movement, isn’t there? From its inception in America there has always been a racial component.
 When Susan B. Anthony was having that meeting and Sojourner Truth’s Black ass showed up.
 Read your history books.
 All the White women asked Sojourner Truth not to speak.
 They didn’t conflate the issues of women’s rights and slavery.
----Punchline----
 But you know how Black bitches are, so Sojourner Truth went up there anyway.


Similarity Score:0.39473684210526316
Percent Error Setup:66.94259171033825%
Percent Error Punchline:49.50711938663746%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:61.148250098309084%
----Setup----
She did a famous speech, she said “Ain’t I a woman?”
 “Ain’t I a woman?”
 That’s right.
 And listen, listen, listen.
----Punchline----
 I supported the “Me Too” movement, but the whole time, the whole time I thought that the way they handled it was stupid.


Similarity Score:0.35555555555555557
Percent Error Setup:88.6195807527394%
Percent Error Punchline:139.21139101861993%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:76.99567440031458%
----Setup----
 It was, it was White, it was like… they were doing shit, like going to the Golden Globes and all of them would be like “Let’s all go to the Golden Globes and wear black dresses.
 And give these men a piece of our minds.”
 Bitch, that is not gonna work.
----Punchline----
 You think Martin Luther King is gonna be like, “I want everybody to keep riding the bus, but wear matching outfits.”


Similarity Score:0.43243243243243246
Percent Error Setup:71.81991424487852%
Percent Error Punchline:119.27710843373494%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:62.170664569406206%
----Setup----
 You got to get off the bus and walk.
 It’s real talk.
 A real talk, that was a silly movement.
 “I want everybody to wear crochet pussy hats so they know we are serious.”
 What the fuck was y’all doing? And then I said something about it in one of my specials and all these women actresses came after me.
 I said, “Man, fuck y’all too, you canceled.
----Punchline----
 I ain’t jerking off to none of your pictures again.”


Similarity Score:0.5
Percent Error Setup:62.607193901858025%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:59.10342115611482%
----Setup----
They were like, “Who is he to tell us anything?”
 I’ll tell you exactly who I am.
----Punchline----
 I’m the one that got off the bus and left $50 million on the bus and walked.


Similarity Score:0.5142857142857142
Percent Error Setup:90.7872796569795%
Percent Error Punchline:79.40854326396494%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:82.10774675580024%
----Setup----
I agreed with these women.
 I just didn’t agree with what they were doing about it.
 Right.
 Right.
 No, it was annoying as fuck… because if these women were serious, you know what they would have done? They all would have fired their agents.
 And they would have went to the mailroom of one of these big agencies and found a woman that was bustin’ her hump in there and said, “If you want to talk to us then you have to talk to her.”
 And if they did that, then she would be big, and they would be big and nobody would get fed to Harvey Weinstein.
 But did they do that?[audience]
 No!No.
Was that their idea? No.
 Surprisingly it was mine.
----Punchline----
 What I think, the feminist movement needs to be very successful… is a male leader.


Similarity Score:0.5217391304347826
Percent Error Setup:33.88518342067651%
Percent Error Punchline:59.47426067907996%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:29.45340149429807%
----Setup----
I’ll do it.
 I will.
 I will lead you women to the promised land.
 I will make sure you will get equal pay for equal work.
 I will make sure that nobody harasses you or fucks with you on the job.
 I will protect all of your interests.
----Punchline----
 And all that I ask for in return… is that you suck my dick.


Similarity Score:0.4444444444444444
Percent Error Setup:73.98761314911863%
Percent Error Punchline:49.50711938663746%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:67.79394416044042%
----Setup----
And now, we’re right back to square one, aren’t we? And now we get to the core of the crisis.
 What… what is a woman? What is that, in this day and time? Is there even such a thing as a woman or a man or anything? Hmm.
 Hmm? Seems to be a question nowadays.
----Punchline----
 Now listen, women get mad at me gay people get mad at me, lesbians get mad at me, but I’m gonna tell you right now, and this is true… these transgenders… the niggas want me dead.


Similarity Score:0.41304347826086957
Percent Error Setup:70.19414006669842%
Percent Error Punchline:268.7842278203724%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:52.96893432953205%
----Setup----
I’ve gone too far, I’ve said too much.
 But I got to tell you, I’m very worried about it.
 I’m not even joking with you.
 Every time I come out onstage, I be scared.
 I be lookin’ around the crowd, searching.
 For knuckles and Adam’s apples to see where the threats might be coming from.
 A nigga came up to me on the street the other day.
 He said, “Careful, Dave, they after you.”
 I said, “What?”
----Punchline----
 “One they, or many theys?”


Similarity Score:0.26506024096385544
Percent Error Setup:58.2717960933778%
Percent Error Punchline:40.197152245345016%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:57.56979944946913%
----Setup----
Before I even say anything about that community you must know and I hope you all feel the same way I am not indifferent to the suffering of someone else.
 There’s laws, the mean laws in our country.
 North Carolina passed a law once.
 They said a person in North Carolina must use the restroom that corresponds with the gender they were assigned on their birth certificate.
 No, no, no, no.
 No, that is not a good law.
 That is a mean law.
----Punchline----
 No American should have to present a birth certificate to take a shit at Walmart, in Greensboro, North Carolina where DaBaby shot and killed a motherfucker.


Similarity Score:0.2727272727272727
Percent Error Setup:55.02024773701763%
Percent Error Punchline:169.11281489594742%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:43.76720408965789%
----Setup----
You have to ask yourself, if you’re thinking about it, who are these laws designed to protect? Like let’s say they designed this law to protect me, my interests, transphobic comedian, Dave Chappelle.
 Let’s say I’m in Walmart, doing a little shopping with my family.
----Punchline----
 Now I should tell you if that ever happens in real life, you should know my dreams didn’t work out.
----Tagline(s)----
Well let’s say something goes horribly wrong and there I’m in Walmart with the poor Whites rummaging around for mediocre goods and services.


Similarity Score:0.4666666666666667
Percent Error Setup:75.61338732729871%
Percent Error Punchline:109.30996714129245%
Percent Error TagLine:2175.0%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:53.99134880062918%
----Setup----
And then I got to go to the restroom.
 So, I excuse myself from my family.
 I go to the men’s room.
 Now I’m standing at the urinal, taking a leak.
 And this is what this law is gonna do.
 And suddenly a woman walks into the men’s room.
 I’m like, that’s strange.
----Punchline----
 And then she stands shoulder to shoulder with me at the urinal, I’m gonna be like, “Bitch, what’s going on with you?”


Similarity Score:0.3157894736842105
Percent Error Setup:71.27798951881849%
Percent Error Punchline:129.24424972617743%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:61.148250098309084%
----Setup----
What do you think I am going to say? Thank God, she’s in here with me.
 At least now I know my family is safe.
 Mm-mm.
 No, I’m not gonna feel that way at all, I’m gonna feel very uncomfortable.
----Punchline----
 I would feel better if it was a man with a vagina that backed up to the urinal next to me.
----Tagline(s)----
 I wouldn’t even think about that, I’d just be like, “That’s funny.”


Similarity Score:0.39473684210526316
Percent Error Setup:78.32301095759885%
Percent Error Punchline:119.27710843373494%
Percent Error TagLine:1227.0833333333335%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:61.148250098309084%
----Setup----
“This guy is peeing out of his butt for some reason.”
 “Oh my God, he must be a Veteran, thank you for your service.”
 I’m not indifferent to people’s suffering ’cause I know it’s hard to be everybody.
 We Blacks, we just got our first big holiday in a long time.
----Punchline----
 Happy belated Juneteenth to the Blacks.


Similarity Score:0.5517241379310345
Percent Error Setup:72.36183897093854%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:70.34998033818324%
----Setup----
   Juneteenth is a strange holiday, isn’t it?[audience]
 Yes.
It commemorates when Black people in Texarkana area of the country first found out that they were free.
 But remember, they were free when they found out.
 They just didn’t know it yet.
 Very interesting holiday.
 You know, I learned something This is a wild story.
 I learned this past Juneteenth of a story, this is true.
 And it’s that there was a Black man who was in South Carolina during slavery who somehow got granted his freedom by his so-called master.
 And when his master granted him the freedom he also gave him a plot of land.
 Now it turns out, this brother was brilliant.
 He had a good eye, good knack for farming.
 And he farmed this plot of land very successfully and made a lot of money, and this is where the story gets crazy.
----Punchline----
 When he got all that money… this nigga brought some slaves.


Similarity Score:0.2375
Percent Error Setup:19.795140543115767%
Percent Error Punchline:19.605695509309967%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:18.20684231222965%
----Setup----
Have you ever heard this before? This is a true story.
 Not only was he a slave owner, he became a slave breeder.
----Punchline----
 And employed tactics that were so cruel even White slave owners were like, “Yo, my man.”


Similarity Score:0.35
Percent Error Setup:87.53573130061935%
Percent Error Punchline:69.44140197152245%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:79.55171057805741%
----Setup----
He was a wild dude, but he did it just because that’s what successful people did at the time.
 He just wanted to be down, what a fuckin’ tragedy.
 How can a person that went through slavery perpetuate the same evil on a person that looks just like him.
 It’s mind blowing.
 And shockingly, they’re making a movie about him.
----Punchline----
 Ironically… it is called Space Jews.
----Tagline(s)----
Space Jews.


Similarity Score:0.2857142857142857
Percent Error Setup:67.4845164363983%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:184.375%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:64.21549351160047%
----Setup----
 The point of that story is this person was invested in a construct.
 That was the construct of successful people and he just followed the roadmap of successful people.
 He followed what they called “an incentive.”
 Now, everyone struggles but I’m very invested in the gender construct, personally.
----Punchline----
 ‘Cause I’m a man with kids, and a wife, and I like that warm, wet soft pussy that my wife has.


Similarity Score:0.36619718309859156
Percent Error Setup:73.4456884230586%
Percent Error Punchline:119.27710843373494%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:63.7042862760519%
----Setup----
This does not mean that I feel like another point of view can’t exist.
 I was doing a night club in Oakland, 16 years ago and this was the first time that the trans community ever got mad at me that I knew about.
 And then I was nobody, I had just quit Chappelle Show.
 It was like a nothing hole in the wall club and I was doing some transgender jokes in Oakland, it was 16 years ago.
 My pronoun game was not as nice as it is today.
 I went too far, I said things like tranny and shit I didn’t know these words were bad, and a woman stood up and just gave me the business.
 Started screaming at me, and I’m sure it was a woman.
 But she kept calling me transphobic and all this shit I had never even heard these words before, it was really weird.
----Punchline----
 I didn’t trip, I just gazed at Security to look like, “Go on, get that bitch out of here.”


Similarity Score:0.20930232558139536
Percent Error Setup:17.627441638875656%
Percent Error Punchline:99.34282584884994%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:12.072355485646872%
----Setup----
I kept it moving.
 And then she went to the press.
 The next day one of the gay papers wrote all of the same things she had said to me, about me in the paper.
 Misquoted the jokes, and was calling me transphobic you know, these words, I had never heard them before but every time that I talked with anybody from the community since they always repeat the talking points from that article.
 My least favorite of which being, I hate this phrase they say, “I was punching down on them.”
 “Punching down”, what the fuck does that mean? Now fast forward.
 It is 2019.
 And I am in a restaurant in Ohio, very nice restaurant.
 It’s Thanksgiving week.
----Punchline----
 And to be honest, it is not a very nice restaurant, but it is a nice restaurant, if you’re a White person from Ohio that has never been anywhere before.
----Tagline(s)----
 Picture Chili’s.


Similarity Score:0.3225806451612903
Percent Error Setup:34.96903287279657%
Percent Error Punchline:208.98138006571742%
Percent Error TagLine:279.1666666666667%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:20.762878489972472%
----Setup----
I’m sitting in the bar, I’m having a drink by myself and the only other person in the bar is a woman, a couple of stools down.
 And she was alone, and she was older, and that made me feel sad, ’cause it was the holidays.
 So, I told the bartender, “Send that woman a drink on me.”
 Just trying to spread the cheer, and I wish I didn’t.
 This woman wanted to talk.
 She wasn’t mean, she was nice, but she just wanted to talk about shit that you know, I mean a nigga just trying to get drunk don’t want to hear about this bitch remodeling in her bathroom.
 And I’m sitting there, trying to be polite.
 Oh, subway tiles? Word.
 But then she hits a lick.
 Piqued my interest.
 She says, “My daughter is coming home for the holidays.”
 Like, “Oh, that is great news, I’m glad you’re not going to be alone.”
 And then she goes on and on about how great her daughter is.
 I guess her daughter got a new agent and she is out in Hollywood, she’s in movies and on television and all this stuff and as she’s telling me this, I’m thinking, this woman is so sweet.
 She probably doesn’t even know who I am.
----Punchline----
 Or what I do for a living because I know what your daughter’s is out in Hollywood doing.


Similarity Score:0.24034334763948498
Percent Error Setup:15.971891376846118%
Percent Error Punchline:89.37568455640745%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:19.111285882815572%
----Setup----
And then she goes, “Would you like to see her picture?”
 “Oh now I don’t want to see this woman’s picture, but what am I gonna do?”
 I’m like, “Okay sure, I’d love to see the picture.”
 And I grab the picture and this is all I say, this is all I say, “Oh… she is very beautiful.”
 And as she puts the picture away she… looks mean all of a sudden, like she caught me in some kind of trap.
 “What did that face mean?”
 And then she goes, “She’s transgender.”
----Punchline----
 And I think to myself, “Oh, this bitch does know who I am.”


Similarity Score:0.4339622641509434
Percent Error Setup:50.14292520247737%
Percent Error Punchline:39.539978094194964%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:45.812033031852145%
----Setup----
I really resented that trap because that trap doesn’t let me be honest.
 If I was honest, I wouldn’t have fallen for it.
 I’d have just looked at the picture like, “Look at that big chiseled jawline, that big thick Joe Rogan neck.
 Is that a dude? Is your daughter a man?”
 Can’t say that shit.
 It’s really annoying.
 Fast forward, now it’s a couple of days later.
 It’s the Wednesday… before the Thursday that’s Thanksgiving, and I’m in a totally different bar and this bar, trust me, is not a nice place.
----Punchline----
 It’s foul, it’s one of those bars where the top shelf should be under the sink.


Similarity Score:0.23636363636363636
Percent Error Setup:49.60100047641734%
Percent Error Punchline:69.44140197152245%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:43.76720408965789%
----Setup----
 This is where the poor Whites drink.
 The Tiki torch Whites.
 You know what I mean? Them White people, they believe in “Q” and they love Trump.
----Punchline----
 You know what I mean? Like Michigan White people.


Similarity Score:0.7368421052631579
Percent Error Setup:84.82610767031919%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:80.57412504915455%
----Setup----
I remember I was at this bar one time, it was that kind of bar it is.
 I was in there one time, I was fucked up and I turned around to everybody in the bar and go “Hey everybody, I am going to buy everyone in the bar a round of drinks.”
 And all the motherfuckers was like, “Hurrah!”
 And the bartender knew I was drunk, so she pulled me aside.
 “Mr. Chappelle, are you sure about that?”
----Punchline----
 That’s going to be 16 dollars.


Similarity Score:0.6046511627906976
Percent Error Setup:57.18794664125774%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:56.03617774282343%
----Setup----
Tough time for the Whites.
 And this was a holiday weekend.
 You know what I mean? These motherfuckers were having a rootin’ tootin’ time.
 They was in there partying, making all them noises.
 “Ooh! Ow! Yeow!”
----Punchline----
 You know all them noises White people make before lynching? They was doing all that shit.


Similarity Score:0.5660377358490566
Percent Error Setup:80.49070986183897%
Percent Error Punchline:69.44140197152245%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:72.90601651592607%
----Setup----
 I was drunk.
 I looked over my shoulder, I thought I was trippin’.
----Punchline----
 Guess who was in the bar? I thought I was seeing things, I looked across the room and I saw… the trans-bitch from the picture.


Similarity Score:0.5
Percent Error Setup:92.4130538351596%
Percent Error Punchline:159.14567360350495%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:79.55171057805741%
----Setup----
 I couldn’t believe it.
 I said “What is a trans person, doing in a place like this? This is very dangerous behavior.”
 And she was with, two big, buff, gay Black dudes.
 I didn’t know these dudes, but I know they was gay.
----Punchline----
 If they had a dick in their mouth, they wouldn’t look any gayer than they did just sitting there.


Similarity Score:0.25
Percent Error Setup:76.15531205335874%
Percent Error Punchline:99.34282584884994%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:67.28273692489186%
----Setup----
 They had 1980s gay face.
----Punchline----
 You know what that is? Remember in the ’80s when gay people looked surprised all the time.
----Tagline(s)----
“Close your mouth, nigga, what is surprising”, you know what I mean? But they was huge, they looked like Jussie Smollett’s trainers.


Similarity Score:0.8085106382978723
Percent Error Setup:96.74845164363984%
Percent Error Punchline:79.40854326396494%
Percent Error TagLine:2080.208333333333%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:75.97325992921746%
----Setup----
And I am thinking, “Man these motherfuckers are in a lot of trouble.”
 So what I do is I stand up and everybody in the bar likes me, so I make a big show of it to make sure that everyone can hear me.
 Now, I walk right up to her, and I go “Hey! I just met your mother the other night and she told me all the great things you’re doing in Hollywood.
 And I cannot believe that someone from a podunk place like this can achieve all that, I’m so proud of you.
 Welcome home.”
 And the whole bar said “Hurrah!”
 And I said “Phew.”
 “That ought to buy her some time.”
----Punchline----
 You know what I mean? A couple of more drinks and these fellows are gonna start asking her for some pussy, she might not have.


Similarity Score:0.3829787234042553
Percent Error Setup:37.67865650309671%
Percent Error Punchline:159.14567360350495%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:27.919779787652377%
----Setup----
And she was very gracious.
 She said “Thank you so much”, and we shook hands and as she was shaking my hand, her face turned mean, like her mom’s.
 And she said, “Do you mind, not punching down on my people?”
 Oh, I don’t like that.
----Punchline----
 Normally, I would’ve let it go, but I was drunk.
----Tagline(s)----
I said, “What might you mean, bitch?”
I was careful to call her a bitch, ’cause I didn’t want to blow her cover.


Similarity Score:0.37037037037037035
Percent Error Setup:75.07146260123868%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:2175.0%
Percent TagLine Number:31.249999999999993%
Percent Error Total:58.59221392056626%
----Setup----
 Turns out she wasn’t hiding.
 She was loud, she was proud.
 She let me have it in front of everybody.
 Screaming at me, all the talking points from that article.
 You transphobic, this and that.
 Kept clapping her hands in my face.
 “Let me tell you somethin’.”
 I said, “Where did you learn this from, Black bitches?”
 She kept going, “Let me tell you something, honey.”
 So annoying.
 She kept calling transgenders, her people.
 Ain’t that weird? “My people this, my people that.”
----Punchline----
 I said, “What do you mean, your people?”


Similarity Score:0.27956989247311825
Percent Error Setup:54.478323010957595%
Percent Error Punchline:10.295728368017523%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:52.457727093983486%
----Setup----
 She said, “My people have struggled for decades, honey, decades.”
----Punchline----
 And I looked at them gay Black dudes, like.
----Tagline(s)----
 Clifford, Clifford?”


Similarity Score:0.32
Percent Error Setup:94.03882801333968%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:279.1666666666667%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:87.21981911128587%
----Setup----
I am exaggerating, she is actually a very nice person and I’m cool with her now, but boy, that shit got on my nerves.
 And it got on my nerves because, whenever someone says that to me I know they have never seen me for themselves, they just repeat what they’ve heard.
 Any of you, who have ever watched me know that I’ve never had a problem with transgender people.
----Punchline----
 If you listen to what I’m saying, clearly my problem has always been with White people.


Similarity Score:0.25287356321839083
Percent Error Setup:62.065269175798%
Percent Error Punchline:69.44140197152245%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:55.52497050727487%
----Setup----
I’ve been arguing with the Whites my entire career.
 Just when I thought I had you guys on the ropes you changed all the rules.
 “Oh yeah?”
 – Yeah, motherfucker! – “Well.”
 I am a girl now, nigger.
----Punchline----
 You must treat me as such.


Similarity Score:0.35555555555555557
Percent Error Setup:79.40686040971892%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:76.99567440031458%
----Setup----
“Call me a girl, nigger.”
 It’s annoying as fuck.
 No, no, go back, go back tonight after the show, watch every special I did on Netflix.
 Listen to everything I’ve ever said about that community.
 I’ll go through ’em.
 I said, “How much do I have to participate in your self image?”
 I said, “You shouldn’t discuss this in front of Black people.”
 I said, “I know niggas in Brooklyn that wear high heels just to feel safe.”
----Punchline----
 I asked you “Why is it easier for Bruce Jenner to change his gender than it is for Cassius Clay to change his name?”


Similarity Score:0.2524271844660194
Percent Error Setup:57.72987136731778%
Percent Error Punchline:149.17853231106244%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:47.34565473849784%
----Setup----
If you listen to what I’m saying, I’m not even talking about them, I’m talking about us and “they don’t listen.”
 It’s very annoying.
 And they have canceled people, more powerful than me.
 They canceled J.K.Rowling, my God.
 J.K.Rowling wrote all the Harry Potter books by herself.
----Punchline----
 She sold so many books, the Bible worries about her.


Similarity Score:0.3103448275862069
Percent Error Setup:74.52953787517865%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:70.34998033818324%
----Setup----
And they canceled it because, she said in an interview and this is not exactly what she said, but effectually she said that gender was a fact.
 And then the trans community got mad as shit, they started calling her a TERF.
 I didn’t even know, what the fuck that was.
----Punchline----
 But I know that trans people make up words to win arguments.


Similarity Score:0.3125
Percent Error Setup:72.36183897093854%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:67.28273692489186%
----Setup----
 So I looked it up.
 TERF is an acronym.
 It stands for Trans-exclusionary radical feminist.
 This is a real thing, this is a group of women… that hate transgender.
 They don’t hate transgender women but they look at trans women the way we Blacks might look at Black face.
----Punchline----
 It offends them like, “Oh, this bitch is doing an impression of me.”


Similarity Score:0.28125
Percent Error Setup:72.90376369699857%
Percent Error Punchline:39.539978094194964%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:67.28273692489186%
----Setup----
 Now I shouldn’t speak on this because I’m not a woman nor am I a trans.
----Punchline----
 But as we’ve established… I am a feminist.
----Tagline(s)----
 That’s right.


Similarity Score:0.2
Percent Error Setup:90.7872796569795%
Percent Error Punchline:10.295728368017523%
Percent Error TagLine:279.1666666666667%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:84.66378293354306%
----Setup----
   I’m team TERF.
 I agree.
 I agree, man.
 Gender is a fact.
 You have to look at it from a woman’s perspective.
 Look at it like this, Caitlyn Jenner whom I have met, wonderful person.
 Caitlyn Jenner… was voted, woman of the year.
 Her first year as a woman.
 Ain’t that something? Beat every bitch in Detroit.
----Punchline----
 She’s better than all of you.


Similarity Score:0.6268656716417911
Percent Error Setup:67.4845164363983%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:65.74911521824617%
----Setup----
 I’d be mad as shit if I was a woman.
 I’d be mad if I was me.
 If I was in the BET awards, sitting there and they’re like “And the winner for nigger of the year… Eminem.”
----Punchline----
 My man.


Similarity Score:0.7142857142857143
Percent Error Setup:78.86493568365889%
Percent Error Punchline:70.09857612267251%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:78.52929610696027%
----Setup----
 Gender is a fact, this is a fact.
 Every human being in this room, every human being on Earth had to pass through the legs of a woman to be on Earth.
----Punchline----
 That is a fact.
----Tagline(s)----
 Now… I am not saying that to say, that trans women aren’t women.


Similarity Score:0.37735849056603776
Percent Error Setup:82.11648404001906%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:1321.875%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:72.90601651592607%
----Setup----
I’m not saying it is not pussy, but that’s like Beyond Pussy or Impossible Pussy.
----Punchline----
 You know what I mean? It tastes like pussy but that’s not quite what it is, is it? It’s not blood, that is beet juice.
----Tagline(s)----
 Oh buddy, I’m in trouble now.


Similarity Score:0.5306122448979592
Percent Error Setup:91.87112910909957%
Percent Error Punchline:159.14567360350495%
Percent Error TagLine:658.3333333333333%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:74.95084545812033%
----Setup----
Before I go, I want to share this story with you because it is important to this point.
 I want your community to know that one of the coolest people I ever met was a transgender woman.
 And this is not a man that I knew that became a woman, this woman was trans when I met her.
----Punchline----
 Lived in San Francisco, Daphne Dwarman is the name.


Similarity Score:0.47058823529411764
Percent Error Setup:68.56836588851834%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:65.23790798269759%
----Setup----
 Especially the trans jokes, very puzzling… because she was obviously trans.
 And one night after one of the shows I met her.
 And what it was, turns out it was her dream to be a comedian.
 And I was her hero.
 It was very moving.
 I could not dislike somebody that felt that way about me.
 We became fast friends.
 And when I made that special Sticks and Stones right as it was coming out, I happened to be in San Francisco and I wanted to do a show.
 But I needed an opening act, and I remembered… that trans woman I had met, so I called her on the phone.
 And I called her myself, I said, “Hey Daphne, this is Dave Chappelle.”
 She couldn’t believe it.
 And I go, “I’m in San Francisco.”
----Punchline----
 And then she started saying a bunch of wild stuff, I was like “Relax now, I don’t want any pussy, I was… 


Similarity Score:0.2875
Percent Error Setup:26.29823725583611%
Percent Error Punchline:139.21139101861993%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:18.20684231222965%
----Setup----
 I’m just calling, because I’m doing a show and I need an opening act.
 And I was wondering if you’d open the show?”
 And she was like, “Fuck, yeah.”
 Now… I didn’t know this at the time but this woman had only done stand up comedy eight times in her life.
----Punchline----
 This was little to no experience and now she’s about to open a show for what many call the GOAT.


Similarity Score:0.273972602739726
Percent Error Setup:71.81991424487852%
Percent Error Punchline:109.30996714129245%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:62.68187180495478%
----Setup----
She’s an amateur in stature, but in practice, she was very professional.
 She showed up early, which is something I appreciate ’cause I like people to be on time.
----Punchline----
 She was dressed to the motherfuckin’ nines, I mean, I’m transphobic and even I was like, “You look nice.”


Similarity Score:0.5714285714285714
Percent Error Setup:84.28418294425917%
Percent Error Punchline:99.34282584884994%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:74.95084545812033%
----Setup----
Went up on the stage with all the swag of a professional comedian, grabbed that mic and walked right down the middle and looked at the crowd like a gangster.
 Man, you should have seen her work.
----Punchline----
 This bitch bombed for 45 minutes, straight.


Similarity Score:0.4444444444444444
Percent Error Setup:79.94878513577895%
Percent Error Punchline:20.26286966046002%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:76.99567440031458%
----Setup----
And I’m not exaggerating, young man.
 That show was terrible.
 Stunk.
 Stunk.
 And then she brings me on, and you know, I was like a glass of water after a handful of salt.
 The crowd was happy to see me.
 I was killing it.
 But here is what impressed me.
 Any other comedian I’ve ever seen, if they had bombed as bad as she did, would have snuck out of the back of the theatre and went home and cried or something, but she didn’t do that.
 Not only did she not leave, she found a seat, right up in front.
----Punchline----
 You know, when a new comedian watches an experienced comedian in comedy we call this “taking class.”


Similarity Score:0.42016806722689076
Percent Error Setup:45.26560266793711%
Percent Error Punchline:79.40854326396494%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:39.166338969720805%
----Setup----
 And I saw her show.
----Punchline----
 Something bad happened to her.


Similarity Score:0.6666666666666666
Percent Error Setup:96.74845164363984%
Percent Error Punchline:40.197152245345016%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:93.86551317341723%
----Setup----
She was drunk.
 So she starts talking to me, while I’m onstage but the way a person would talk to a television when they were alone.
 She was talking to me like that.
 That didn’t bother me ’cause I knew her.
 But the crowd didn’t like that shit at all ’cause she sucked.
 And a guy in the back of the room stood up and Daphne’s hair was dyed blonde at the time and the guy screamed out, and his energy felt wild as fuck.
 He said, “Hey Daphne!”
 and everybody got clamped, they got tense.
----Punchline----
 We didn’t know who was a heckler or active shooter, and… 


Similarity Score:0.27522935779816515
Percent Error Setup:47.97522629823725%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:44.27841132520645%
----Setup----
 …he said, “Does the carpet match the drapes?”
 It was fucked up.
 The whole crowd kind of groaned, ’cause it was so like, mean.
 Everybody groaned, except for Daphne.
 She kind of laughed, which was weird.
 And she didn’t even look all the way back.
 She said, “Sir, I don’t have carpets I have hardwood floors.”
----Punchline----
 Just like that.
----Tagline(s)----
 Just like that.


Similarity Score:0.36363636363636365
Percent Error Setup:69.11029061457837%
Percent Error Punchline:60.13143483023001%
Percent Error TagLine:373.95833333333337%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:66.26032245379473%
----Setup----
Boy, when she said that shit, it blew the roof of the place.
 Cut through all the tension, with that one joke.
 She had made up for 45 minutes of a stinker of a show.
 And after that, she could do no wrong.
 And I kept on rocking, and she kept on talking to me.
 And then the show became something cooler than a show.
 It became like a conversation between a Black man and a White trans woman and we started getting to the bottom of shit.
 All of them questions that you think about that you’d be afraid to ask, I was just asking them and she was answering them and her answers were funny as shit.
 The crowd was falling out of their chairs and at the end of the show, I go, “Well, Daphne”… I said “Well, that was fun.”
 I go, “I love you to death, but I have no fuckin’ idea what you’re talking about.”
 The whole crow laughed except for Daphne.
 Man, she looks at me like I’m not her friend anymore.
 Like I’m something bigger than me, like I’m the whole world in a guy.
 Then she said, “I don’t need you to understand me.”
 I said, “What?”
 She said, “I just need you to believe…” Just like that she goes, “…that I’m having a human experience.”
 And when she said it the whole crowd kind of gasped.
 And I gave the Fight Club look.
----Punchline----
 I said, “I believe you, bitch.”


Similarity Score:0.192
Percent Error Setup:31.68770843258695%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:27.80180888714117%
----Setup----
Because she didn’t say anything about pronouns.
 She didn’t say anything about me being in trouble.
 She said, “Just believe I’m a person and I’m going through it.”
----Punchline----
 I know I believe you, because it takes one to know one.
----Tagline(s)----
Then I told the crowd “Good night.”


Similarity Score:0.3673469387755102
Percent Error Setup:84.82610767031919%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:658.3333333333333%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:74.95084545812033%
----Setup----
 And the crowd stood up.
 And I looked at her, tears came out of her eyes she couldn’t believe it was happening.
----Punchline----
 I couldn’t believe it was happening ’cause her show stunk.


Similarity Score:0.47058823529411764
Percent Error Setup:87.53573130061935%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:82.6189539913488%
----Setup----
 And it was a great night.
----Punchline----
 And I remember, the late great Paul Mooney was there bunch of flyers, comedy niggas was there.
----Tagline(s)----
 Spinning the yarn, telling us all these crazy stories about shit, she’d be into.


Similarity Score:0.34146341463414637
Percent Error Setup:96.20652691757981%
Percent Error Punchline:79.40854326396494%
Percent Error TagLine:1416.6666666666665%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:79.04050334250886%
----Setup----
 I’m looking around, I’m like, “Oh my God, she is funny.”
 I pulled her aside, I said, “You’re hilarious.
----Punchline----
 I didn’t know that when you were onstage.”


Similarity Score:0.41379310344827586
Percent Error Setup:89.16150547879943%
Percent Error Punchline:10.295728368017523%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:85.17499016909163%
----Setup----
 I said, “You’re doing some things wrong but I can help you.”
 I said, “Anytime I’m in San Francisco why don’t you open the show for me and I’ll just try to give you some pointers and see if you can work this thing out.”
 She said, “Are you serious?”
 I was like, “Yeah.”
 And she grabbed me real tight, hugged me, squeezed me.
 And I pushed her off violently, ’cause I’m transphobic.
----Punchline----
 I said “Boundaries, bitch!”


Similarity Score:0.25316455696202533
Percent Error Setup:59.89757027155789%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:59.614628391663395%
----Setup----
When Sticks and Stones came out… a lot of people in the trans community were furious with me and apparently they dragged me on Twitter.
----Punchline----
 I don’t give a fuck, ’cause Twitter is not a real place.


Similarity Score:0.8421052631578947
Percent Error Setup:86.45188184849928%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:80.57412504915455%
----Setup----
And the hardest thing for a person to do is go against their tribe if they disagree with their tribe, but Daphne did that for me.
 She wrote a tweet that was very beautiful and what she said was and it is almost exactly what she said.
 She said, “Punching down on someone, requires you to think less of them and I know him, and he doesn’t.
 He doesn’t punch up, he doesn’t punch down he punches lines, and he is a master at his craft.”
----Punchline----
 That’s what she said.


Similarity Score:0.24175824175824176
Percent Error Setup:53.39447355883754%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:53.48014156508061%
----Setup----
Beautiful tweet, beautiful friend, it took a lot of heart to defend me like that, and when she did that the trans community dragged that bitch all over Twitter.
 For days, they was going in on her, and she was holding her own ’cause she’s funny.
 But six days after that wonderful night I described to you my friend Daphne killed herself.
 Oh yeah, this is a true story, my heart was broken.
 Yeah, it wasn’t the jokes.
 I don’t know if was them dragging or I don’t know what was going on in her life but I bet dragging her didn’t help.
 I was very angry at them, I was very angry at her.
 I felt like Daphne lied to me.
 She always said, she identified as a woman.
 And then one day she goes up to the roof of her building and jumps off and kills herself.
 Clearly… only a man would do some gangster shit like that.
 Hear me out.
 As hard as it is to hear a joke like that I’m telling you right now, Daphne would have loved that joke.
----Punchline----
 That is why she was my friend.


Similarity Score:0.29015544041450775
Percent Error Setup:0.25607432110528927%
Percent Error Punchline:20.26286966046002%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:1.337003539127014%
----Setup----
I was reading her obituary and I found out, she was survived by a daughter.
 And the moment I found that out, and this is true Anderson Cooper from CNN texted me.
 And all he says, it’s very nice, he said, “I’m sorry to hear about your friend.”
 And I texted him right back.
----Punchline----
 “New phone, who this?”


Similarity Score:0.3389830508474576
Percent Error Setup:70.73606479275846%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:69.83877310263469%
----Setup----
 He said, “It’s Anderson Cooper.”
 Oh, I said, “Anderson, look I need to find her family.”
 And he texted me right back with all the phone numbers and all this information.
 I say this to say, if you ever want to know about anything gay call Anderson Cooper from CNN.
----Punchline----
 This nigga is faster than Google.
----Tagline(s)----
 What I did is, I got in touch with her family and I started a trust fund for her daughter ’cause I know that is all she ever really cared about.


Similarity Score:0.2857142857142857
Percent Error Setup:72.36183897093854%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:3028.125%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:53.48014156508061%
----Setup----
And I don’t know what the trans community did for her but I don’t care, because I feel like she wasn’t their tribe, she was mine.
----Punchline----
 She was a comedian in her soul.


Similarity Score:0.7647058823529411
Percent Error Setup:85.90995712243927%
Percent Error Punchline:20.26286966046002%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:82.6189539913488%
----Setup----
The daughter is very young, but I hope to be alive when she turns 21 ’cause I’m going to give her this money myself.
 And by then, by then, I’ll be ready to have the conversation that I’m not ready to have today.
----Punchline----
 But I’ll tell that little girl, “Young lady, I knew your father… 
----Tagline(s)----
 …and he was a wonderful woman.”


Similarity Score:0.36923076923076925
Percent Error Setup:76.69723677941877%
Percent Error Punchline:39.539978094194964%
Percent Error TagLine:658.3333333333333%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:66.7715296893433%
----Setup----
Empathy is not gay.
 Empathy is not Black.
 Empathy is bi-sexual.
 It must go both ways.
----Punchline----
 It must go both ways.


Similarity Score:0.18181818181818182
Percent Error Setup:91.32920438303954%
Percent Error Punchline:40.197152245345016%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:88.75344081793158%
----Setup----
Remember, taking a man’s livelihood is akin to killing him.
----Punchline----
 I’m begging you, please do not abort DaBaby.


Similarity Score:0.42105263157894735
Percent Error Setup:94.58075273939971%
Percent Error Punchline:10.295728368017523%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:90.28706252457727%
----Setup----
Kevin Hart dreamt his entire life of hosting the Oscars and when he finally got the job they just took it! It’s not fair.
 They didn’t kill him, Kevin is a strong guy.
 But I’m sure it broke old Clifford’s heart.
 It’s over.
----Punchline----
 LBGTQ, L-M-N-O-P-Q-Y-Z, it is over.


Similarity Score:0.2857142857142857
Percent Error Setup:76.69723677941877%
Percent Error Punchline:40.197152245345016%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:74.95084545812033%
----Setup----
 I’m telling you this is done.
 I’m done talking about it.
----Punchline----
 All I ask from your community, with all humility will you please stop punching down on my people? Thank you very much and good night.

Similarity Score:0.3157894736842105
Percent Error Setup:93.49690328727965%
Percent Error Punchline:159.14567360350495%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:80.57412504915455%
----Setup----
 Sometimes, the funniest thing to say is mean.
 You know what I mean? It’s a tough position to be in.
 So I say a lot of mean things, but you guys got to remember.
 I’m not saying it to be mean.
----Punchline----
 I’m saying it because it’s funny.
----Tagline(s)----
And everything’s funny till it happens to you.


Similarity Score:0.8275862068965517
Percent Error Setup:77.2391615054788%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:753.125%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:70.34998033818324%
----Setup----
Phew.
 Well, it’s the last show.
 Here we are.
 Los Angeles.
----Punchline----
 The world capital of… rape and dick breath.


Similarity Score:0.4
Percent Error Setup:94.03882801333968%
Percent Error Punchline:10.295728368017523%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:89.77585528902871%
----Setup----
 Keeps getting worse.
----Punchline----
 Just when you think it can’t get worse, they got Charlie Rose today.
----Tagline(s)----
 It’s going to be a quiet morning on the news tomorrow.
 Charlie Rose.


Similarity Score:1.588235294117647
Percent Error Setup:97.83230109575989%
Percent Error Punchline:39.539978094194964%
Percent Error TagLine:1416.6666666666665%
Percent TagLine Number:31.249999999999993%
Percent Error Total:82.6189539913488%
----Setup----
Everybody is raping like hotcakes.
 I, for one, am starting to get worried.
 You know, I’ve been in show business 30 years.
----Punchline----
 I had no idea how much danger I was in.


Similarity Score:0.6060606060606061
Percent Error Setup:88.07765602667938%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:83.13016122689737%
----Setup----
 It’s really some scary shit.
 I gotta tell you.
----Punchline----
 Harvey Weinstein‘s probably the first person that I ever looked at a photograph of and was like, “Yeah, he rapes.”


Similarity Score:0.5161290322580645
Percent Error Setup:94.58075273939971%
Percent Error Punchline:109.30996714129245%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:84.1525756979945%
----Setup----
 I’m not sure this motherfucker has a choice.
 Not a handsome man.
 A lot of meat and extra skin on his face.
 Yeah, he’s ugly.
 You know, the sad part is he’s done so well in life, he probably doesn’t know he’s ugly.
 You know, when you’re good-looking, everybody will tell you.
 “Oh, you look wonderful, you’re so great looking.”
 But when you’re ugly.
----Punchline----
 You gotta figure that shit out for yourself.


Similarity Score:0.3783783783783784
Percent Error Setup:64.77489280609814%
Percent Error Punchline:10.295728368017523%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:62.170664569406206%
----Setup----
 It’s a lot of putting clues together, really is.
----Punchline----
 “Why am I not getting in the club? I got all the right shit on.”


Similarity Score:1.0769230769230769
Percent Error Setup:94.58075273939971%
Percent Error Punchline:59.47426067907996%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:86.70861187573732%
----Setup----
If it was Brad Pitt doing that shit, you wouldn’t have heard a peep.
----Punchline----
 Girl would’ve just come back down like, “I got the part.”


Similarity Score:0.6153846153846154
Percent Error Setup:92.4130538351596%
Percent Error Punchline:19.605695509309967%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:86.70861187573732%
----Setup----
 Yuck! [man]
 Good one.
Yet, and yet, it is important that I acknowledge ladies.
 You are absolutely right.
 There you go.
 And we gotta all be mindful of that, guys, because… this could have happened to any of us.
 It could of happened to me.
 I can see that.
----Punchline----
I see myself showing up, “Hi, I’m here for my three a.m. with Mr. Weinstein.”


Similarity Score:0.28125
Percent Error Setup:73.4456884230586%
Percent Error Punchline:49.50711938663746%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:67.28273692489186%
----Setup----
 “Hey, Harvey, I got your text.
----Punchline----
 I’m here to talk about the script.”
----Tagline(s)----
 “Seems like it’s going to be hard to read in candlelight, but I guess I could try.”
 Sound like a fucking nightmare.


Similarity Score:0.8
Percent Error Setup:96.20652691757981%
Percent Error Punchline:20.26286966046002%
Percent Error TagLine:2269.791666666667%
Percent TagLine Number:31.249999999999993%
Percent Error Total:79.55171057805741%
----Setup----
 In the middle of the meeting? I’d be like, “Yo! Yo, my man, that is the most unprofessional shit I’ve ever seen.
 In all my days.”
----Punchline----
 [grunting]
----Tagline(s)----
 “Just let me finish, Dave Chappelle.”


Similarity Score:2.388888888888889
Percent Error Setup:85.90995712243927%
Percent Error Punchline:80.065717415115%
Percent Error TagLine:658.3333333333333%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:81.59653952025168%
----Setup----
 [grunts]
----Punchline----
 “I’ll put you in all three Lord of the Rings.


Similarity Score:1.0769230769230769
Percent Error Setup:98.91615054787994%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:93.35430593786866%
----Setup----
 “Hurry up, nigga.
----Punchline----
 I have other meetings, you know.”


Similarity Score:0.5454545454545454
Percent Error Setup:97.83230109575989%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:94.37672040896578%
----Setup----
 “I have a 4:30 a.m.
----Punchline----
 “I believe it’s a wardrobe fitting.”



Similarity Score:0.46153846153846156
Percent Error Setup:96.74845164363984%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:93.35430593786866%
----Setup----
Wow.
----Punchline----
 I mean, it is really bad out here, isn’t it? Kevin Spacey is out here, grabbing men by the pussy.


Similarity Score:0.36363636363636365
Percent Error Setup:99.45807527393997%
Percent Error Punchline:109.30996714129245%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:88.75344081793158%
----Setup----
 I didn’t even know that was possible.
 Jesus Christ.
 He got the guy from Star Trek: The Next Generation.
 That’s who he– that’s who he got.
 The last time.
 It sounded like he was more than that, but… that’s who– that’s who set it off.
 He was 14-years-old.
 And Kevin Spacey accosted him at a party, which I gotta say, by the way, just for the record, I went to a lot of parties in my day.
----Punchline----
 Never been to a good one that had 14-year-old boys in it.
----Tagline(s)----
 Not even when I was 13, you know what I mean.


Similarity Score:0.4807692307692308
Percent Error Setup:57.72987136731778%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:1132.2916666666665%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:46.834447502949274%
----Setup----
 Who was the kicker with a bunch of Hubba Bubba chewing niggas like… 
[chewing]
 “I’m having a good time, nigga.”
----Punchline----
 [chewing]


Similarity Score:0.43478260869565216
Percent Error Setup:88.6195807527394%
Percent Error Punchline:80.065717415115%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:88.24223358238301%
----Setup----
 Yuck.
 Ironically, the kid grew up to be gay anyway.
 Which means… Kevin Spacey can sniff that shit out like a truffle pig.
 [sniffs]
 “Yeah, he’s one of me.”
----Punchline----
 And not to victim blame, but it seems like the kind of situation that a gay 14-year-old would get himself into.


Similarity Score:0.4230769230769231
Percent Error Setup:83.74225821819914%
Percent Error Punchline:119.27710843373494%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:73.41722375147464%
----Setup----
 I know I didn’t say that right, but it’s true, nigga, like… You know why I said that though? ‘Cause I went to an arts high school.
 And, like, all them niggas was gay, man.
 Like, in a high school, all them dudes was gay.
 And them gay dudes is way more mature than the rest of us.
 And we didn’t know why, we just knew they was mature.
----Punchline----
 Ever seen a gay dude at lunch? Perfect posture, they just sitting there.


Similarity Score:0.3333333333333333
Percent Error Setup:62.065269175798%
Percent Error Punchline:39.539978094194964%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:57.05859221392057%
----Setup----
 Eating responsibly.
 Then they take that thermos out.
----Punchline----
 You be like, “What the fuck is that?”


Similarity Score:0.6666666666666666
Percent Error Setup:95.12267746545973%
Percent Error Punchline:10.295728368017523%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:90.79826976012583%
----Setup----
 We didn’t know what it was.
 Because we were young boys just trying to figure out who we were.
 And we didn’t realize these gay dudes were fighting to be who they knew they already were.
 Some impressive shit.
 They were fearless, the gay kids.
 Fucking fearless.
 I’ve never seen a scared gay dude in my life.
 What kind of man has no fear? You could be tied up in a hostage situation with a gay dude, and them niggas still be like, “I’m thirsty.”
 “Shh.
----Punchline----
 Shh!”


Similarity Score:0.3146067415730337
Percent Error Setup:52.852548832777515%
Percent Error Punchline:80.065717415115%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:54.502556036177744%
----Setup----
 “I’m thirsty, David.
 I need something to drink.”
----Punchline----
 “Shh.”


Similarity Score:0.5454545454545454
Percent Error Setup:95.12267746545973%
Percent Error Punchline:80.065717415115%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:94.37672040896578%
----Setup----
 “Well, then shoot me.
 I would rather die of a bullet than dehydration.
 Nigga, I am thirsty.
----Punchline----
 I need some water.”


Similarity Score:0.34782608695652173
Percent Error Setup:90.24535493091949%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:88.24223358238301%
----Setup----


All jokes aside, Kevin Spacey shouldn’t have done that shit to that kid.
 He was 14-years-old and was forced to carry a grown man’s secret.
 For 30 years.
 Jesus Christ, he must have been busting at the seams with that one.
----Punchline----
 The saddest part is, if he were able to carry that secret for six more months, I would get to know how House of Cards ends.
----Tagline(s)----
Yep, ladies and gentlemen, these are dark… 


Similarity Score:0.2077922077922078
Percent Error Setup:77.78108623153884%
Percent Error Punchline:169.11281489594742%
Percent Error TagLine:753.125%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:60.63704286276052%
----Setup----
 dark, dark times.
----Punchline----
 New York Times said that Louis CK jizzed on his own stomach.


Similarity Score:0.23529411764705882
Percent Error Setup:97.83230109575989%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:91.3094769956744%
----Setup----
 Now, I’ve busted a lot of nuts in my day.
----Punchline----
 None of them were newsworthy.


Similarity Score:1.0588235294117647
Percent Error Setup:94.03882801333968%
Percent Error Punchline:40.197152245345016%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:91.3094769956744%
----Setup----
 Shit was really gross.
 ‘Cause they didn’t just say it like I said it.
 They didn’t just say, “Jizz on the stomach.”
 They said it in that fucking Pulitzer prize-winning style that the New York Times has.
----Punchline----
 It was very descriptive, like, you know what I mean? “Louis CK’s semen shot out like a volcano of misogyny , slowly drizzling down like lava , covering his freckled penis as it slowly dripped to a fiery crown of red hair.”
----Tagline(s)----
 Like, Jesus Christ, I’m trying to eat some huevos rancheros, and this nigga is… 


Similarity Score:0.3877551020408163
Percent Error Setup:79.40686040971892%
Percent Error Punchline:328.58707557502737%
Percent Error TagLine:1511.4583333333335%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:49.90169091624066%
----Setup----
 And you know the tough part of being a comedian is knowing the motherfuckers.
 Everybody comes up to me like, “Did you know? Did you know what Louis was doing?”
 “No, bitch.
----Punchline----
 I did not know.”


Similarity Score:0.7894736842105263
Percent Error Setup:82.11648404001906%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:80.57412504915455%
----Setup----
 The fuck you think we talk about at the comedy club? “Hey, how was the weekend?”
 “Great, man.
 I was just jerking off in faces and cumming on my own stomach, having a good time.
----Punchline----
 You know how this business is.”


Similarity Score:0.5581395348837209
Percent Error Setup:80.49070986183897%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:78.01808887141172%
----Setup----
 No, I didn’t know.
 They act like we sit around like Grease.
----Punchline----
 ♪ Tell me more, tell me more Did she put up a fight? ♪ [hums melody]


Similarity Score:0.3333333333333333
Percent Error Setup:92.95497856121962%
Percent Error Punchline:69.44140197152245%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:84.66378293354306%
----Setup----
 Sorry, I don’t know the choreography, but you get the point.
----Punchline----
 You get the point.
----Tagline(s)----
 Shit was intense.


Similarity Score:0.9090909090909091
Percent Error Setup:93.49690328727965%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:373.95833333333337%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:88.75344081793158%
----Setup----
But Louis was like the turning point.
 I mean, you know, all these allegations are terrible.
----Punchline----
 Louis’s was the only– I shouldn’t say this but fuck it, his allegation was the only one that made me like laugh.
----Tagline(s)----
 Well, if you think about it… 


Similarity Score:0.375
Percent Error Setup:91.32920438303954%
Percent Error Punchline:129.24424972617743%
Percent Error TagLine:753.125%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:75.4620526936689%
----Setup----
 Because all his friends are reading it and he’s jerking off and he’s surprising people.
----Punchline----
 He’s surprising them, he’s jerking off.
----Tagline(s)----
 I just picture all the comics in comedy just reading that like, “What?”


Similarity Score:0.5263157894736842
Percent Error Setup:91.32920438303954%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:1321.875%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:80.57412504915455%
----Setup----
 It’s terrible.
 I know, it’s terrible.
 I’m sorry, ladies.
 You’re right.
 You are right.
 But at the same time, I mean, you know what I mean.
 I don’t know.
 Jesus Christ, they took everything from Louis.
 That was like… I don’t know, it might be disproportionate.
 I can’t tell.
 I can’t tell.
 This is like where it’s hard to be a man.
----Punchline----
 One lady said, “Louis CK masturbated in front of me, ruined my comedy dreams.”
----Tagline(s)----
 Well, then I dare say, Madam, you may have never had a dream.


Similarity Score:0.5434782608695652
Percent Error Setup:66.40066698427822%
Percent Error Punchline:49.50711938663746%
Percent Error TagLine:1321.875%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:52.96893432953205%
----Setup----
 Come on, man.
----Punchline----
 That’s a brittle spirit.


Similarity Score:0.4444444444444444
Percent Error Setup:97.83230109575989%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:95.39913488006292%
----Setup----
 That is a brittle-ass spirit.
 That shit is too much.
 This is a grown-ass woman.
 You know what this shit is like?It’s like COINTELPRO.
 You know what that is? It’s the programming the FBI had on J.
 Edgar Hoover.
 In this program, one of the many things they did was they would track the sexual habits of anyone they considered an enemy of the state.
 It’s a loop button.
 That’s why they’ve got all these fucking sex tapes with Martin Luther King fucking bitches.
----Punchline----
 But lucky for us, he actually had a dream.


Similarity Score:0.3404255319148936
Percent Error Setup:54.478323010957595%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:51.94651985843491%
----Setup----
 You think if Louis CK jerked off in front of Dr.
----Punchline----
 King, he’d be like, “I can’t continue this movement.


Similarity Score:0.5454545454545454
Percent Error Setup:93.49690328727965%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:88.75344081793158%
----Setup----
 I’m sorry, but the freedom of black people must be stopped.
 I didn’t know this nigga was going to pull this dick out and jerk off like this.
----Punchline----
 I just thought we were gonna get a couple drinks and chill.”


Similarity Score:0.47619047619047616
Percent Error Setup:84.28418294425917%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:78.52929610696027%
----Setup----
Show business is just harder than that.
 Them women sounding like… I hate to say it, y’all, they sound weak.
 I know it sounds fucked up.
----Punchline----
 I’m not supposed to say that, but one of these ladies was like, “Louis CK was masturbating while I was on the phone with him.”


Similarity Score:0.4230769230769231
Percent Error Setup:85.90995712243927%
Percent Error Punchline:159.14567360350495%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:73.41722375147464%
----Setup----
 How the fuck are you going to survive in show business if this is an actual obstacle to your dreams? I know Louis is wrong, man.
 I’m just saying, I’m held to a higher standard of accountability than these women are.


Don’t forget who I am.
 Don’t forget what I am.
 I am a black dude.
 And don’t ever forget how I got here.
 My ancestors were kidnapped.
 I don’t even know where the fuck I’m from.
 They were put on the bottom of boats.
 They sailed them across the Atlantic.
 Many of them died.
 Only the strongest survived.
 And once they got here, they beat the humanity out of my people.
 They turned us into beasts of burdens.
 They made us do their work, and the irony is, hundreds of years later they’re calling us lazy.
 We fought in the Civil War.
 We damn near freed ourselves.
 Then, with Reconstruction, black people did great.
 My great-grandfather was a very wealthy man.
 But then the Black Codes came, Jim Crow came, and it was a hundred years of unspeakable oppression again.
 Lynchings, all kinds of terroristic acts to keep us in the margins of society.
 Yet, we still fought.
 And Dr. King was born.
 And then, things got better.
 Twenty years after Dr. King was assassinated, Michael Jackson was moonwalking on television.
 Something, something, something.
----Punchline----
 Barack Obama.


Similarity Score:0.2543859649122807
Percent Error Setup:21.933063363506434%
Percent Error Punchline:70.09857612267251%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:16.55524970507275%
----Setup----
 Donald Trump and… Now here we all are.
 400-year nightmare.
----Punchline----
Took us 400 years to figure out as a people that white people’s weakness the whole time was kneeling during the national anthem.


Similarity Score:0.35294117647058826
Percent Error Setup:94.03882801333968%
Percent Error Punchline:129.24424972617743%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:82.6189539913488%
----Setup----
 That’s a brittle spirit.
 That’s right, nigga .
 ♪ On the rockets red glare… ♪ [screaming]
----Punchline----
 “What are you doing, nigga? Stand up!”


Similarity Score:0.32
Percent Error Setup:90.7872796569795%
Percent Error Punchline:20.26286966046002%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:87.21981911128587%
----Setup----
 The vice president of the United States got involved.
 Mike Pence got involved.
 He went to the game himself.
 “These niggers will have to stand when they see me.”
 And all the football players looked up in the stands and saw Mike Pence.
 “Is that Mike Pence? Come on, y’all.
 Wu Tang bow.”
 [screams]
----Punchline----
 Foiled.


Similarity Score:0.631578947368421
Percent Error Setup:70.19414006669842%
Percent Error Punchline:80.065717415115%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:70.86118757373181%
----Setup----
 Brittle spirit.
 I could kill every white person in America at one time.
 Know how I’d do it? I would just wait for the Super Bowl.
----Punchline----
 Right when they sang the national anthem, I’d have OJ Simpson walk to the 50-yard line with them bad knees.


Similarity Score:0.375
Percent Error Setup:85.36803239637922%
Percent Error Punchline:109.30996714129245%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:75.4620526936689%
----Setup----
 “Is that OJ Simpson on the field? What the hell’s he doing here?”
 “Oh, I know what he’s gonna do.
----Punchline----
 Stop him!”


Similarity Score:0.3333333333333333
Percent Error Setup:88.6195807527394%
Percent Error Punchline:70.09857612267251%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:87.73102634683445%
----Setup----
 [screams]
You gotta man the fuck up, yo.
 I don’t mean to be disrespectful, because I know you’re upset with what I said.
 But, you know, I know you’re– I know you’re right.
----Punchline----
 But come on, baby, it’s me.


Similarity Score:0.55
Percent Error Setup:82.11648404001906%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:79.55171057805741%
----Setup----
 Does anybody remember when I was missing from show business for 12 years? Remember when I had this really popular show and I quit? I remember I walked away from $50 million.
----Punchline----
 A lot harder than walking away from Louis’ freckled dick.


Similarity Score:0.2727272727272727
Percent Error Setup:82.11648404001906%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:77.50688163586315%
----Setup----
 I didn’t know that I’d ever work again.
 And yet, here I am tonight.
----Punchline----
 Did my dream die? No.


Similarity Score:0.47619047619047616
Percent Error Setup:91.87112910909957%
Percent Error Punchline:40.197152245345016%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:89.26464805348014%
----Setup----
 I remember that shit.
 You don’t remember that, when I quit my shit? On the way out the door I said, “Something’s wrong in Hollywood.”
 I believe they said I smoked crack.
 That’s what I remember.
 I remember they called me crazy.
 So really, you know, you’re right, ladies.
 Congratulations.
 Enjoy it.
----Punchline----
 And they’re coming for you, bitches.


Similarity Score:0.43333333333333335
Percent Error Setup:71.27798951881849%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:69.32756586708612%
----Setup----
 They’re coming for you.
 [mumbles]
 One person that’s uncomfortable– Know who’s the most uncomfortable motherfucker in the room? The nigga that’s right.
 I was right at an orgy once.
----Punchline----
 Nobody fucked me.
----Tagline(s)----
 I was just walking around like Tom Cruise at the movies, just looking.


Similarity Score:0.40816326530612246
Percent Error Setup:83.74225821819914%
Percent Error Punchline:60.13143483023001%
Percent Error TagLine:1321.875%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:74.95084545812033%
----Setup----
 And ruined the whole orgy by accident.
 It’s easier to ruin an orgy than you think.
----Punchline----
 All you gotta do is wait for it to get kind of quiet and then go, “Eww.”
----Tagline(s)----
 [sighs]


Similarity Score:0.3684210526315789
Percent Error Setup:90.7872796569795%
Percent Error Punchline:79.40854326396494%
Percent Error TagLine:184.375%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:80.57412504915455%
----Setup----
And I feel bad.
 But I just feel like this is all happening for a reason.
 And, ladies, I want you to win this fight.
 Ten years ago I might have been scared, but, you know, I got a daughter now.
 So if you win, she wins.
 So I’m rooting for you.
 And I agree with you.
 At least, ideologically, I do.
 I don’t know if the– I don’t know if you’re doing it right, but I mean, who am I to say? I don’t think you’re wrong.
 I just think that… You can’t make a lasting peace this way.
 You got all the bad guys scared.
 And that’s good, but the minute they’re not scared anymore, it will get worse than it was before.
 Fear does not make lasting peace.
 Ask black people.
 And that’s what it is.
 What this city really needs… Without irony, I’ll say this.
 The cure for LA is in South Africa.
 You motherfuckers need truth and reconciliation with one another.
 Because the end of apartheid should have been a fucking bloodbath by any metric in human history, and it wasn’t.
 The only reason it wasn’t is because Desmond Tutu and Mandela and all these guys figured out that if a system is corrupt, then the people who adhere to the system and are incentivized by that system are not criminals.
 They are victims, and the system itself must be tried, but because of how systems work is so compartmentalized as far as information , the only way we can figure out what the system is is if everybody says what they did.
 Tell him how you participated.
 Because men want to help, they’re just scared.
 Ben Affleck tried to help.
 “What happened to these ladies is disgusting.”
 “Oh, nigga, you grabbed a titty in ’95.”
----Punchline----
 “All right, fellas, I’m out.”


Similarity Score:0.1758957654723127
Percent Error Setup:63.1193425440686%
Percent Error Punchline:40.197152245345016%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:56.94062131340936%
----Setup----
 “Fuck that, I ain’t helping.”
I just want to help.
 I want to be a good guy.
 Like, I can’t even say the word “me too” anymore.
 A nigga was like, “Dave, I’m going to the comedy club.”
----Punchline----
 I was like, “I am also going to the comedy club.”


Similarity Score:0.84
Percent Error Setup:79.40686040971892%
Percent Error Punchline:19.605695509309967%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:74.43963822257177%
----Setup----
 And I didn’t even know it was happening, but I guess I became like a feminist in the last three weeks because I can’t watch porn the same.
 Like, I watch it sometimes, but I can’t– I can’t click on these motherfucking thumbnails, not with those titles.
 “Guy crams young girl in the ass with hard rod.”
 I can’t click on that.
 Come on, nigga.
 Give me something I can click on.
 “Dude gets sucked off by a midget.”
 “Little person!”
----Punchline----
 I say to myself.


Similarity Score:0.27586206896551724
Percent Error Setup:55.56217246307765%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:55.52497050727487%
----Setup----
 Takes me hours to find one clip.
 “What the hell is this? Marginally groomed feminist enjoys consensual sex with… vaguely homosexual guy whose penis is the same color as mine.”
----Punchline----
 Click.


Similarity Score:0.18181818181818182
Percent Error Setup:83.20033349213911%
Percent Error Punchline:80.065717415115%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:83.13016122689737%
----Setup----
 [whooshing]
 A lot of black dudes haven’t been getting “me too-ed.”
 I don’t want to jinx myself.
 You know why, though? Obviously, black women go through the same thing, right? The reason is because black women from slavery won’t tell on us.
 Because they know that no matter how bad we black dudes are, white dudes are very mean.
 They’re scared to see us get punished.
 My wife is Asian.
----Punchline----
 She’d tell on me in a goddamn second.


Similarity Score:0.725
Percent Error Setup:61.52334444973797%
Percent Error Punchline:10.295728368017523%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:59.10342115611482%
----Setup----
 Ain’t no fucking up in the Chappelle household.
The wildest shit about it is I live in Trump country.
 I live amongst the tiki torch whites.
 Poor white people.
 And I’m rich.
----Punchline----
 If it’s ever pitchfork time, nigga, I’m in a lot of trouble.


Similarity Score:0.6222222222222222
Percent Error Setup:82.65840876607908%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:76.99567440031458%
----Setup----
 And nobody in my family believes me.
 I’ve been trying to tell the kids, “We gotta run these drills.”
----Punchline----
 They’re like, “We don’t wanna run your stupid drills.”


Similarity Score:0.5333333333333333
Percent Error Setup:89.16150547879943%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:84.66378293354306%
----Setup----
 “Too bad, son.
 You have to.
 If tiki torch whites come outside, what are you guys supposed to do?”
 “Come on, Dad.”
 “What are you guys supposed to do?”
 “Squint our eyes and stand next to Mom.”
----Punchline----
 “That’s right.”


Similarity Score:0.5853658536585366
Percent Error Setup:79.40686040971892%
Percent Error Punchline:70.09857612267251%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:79.04050334250886%
----Setup----
 “And what are you gonna bring me?”
 “Your gun and your groundskeeper uniform.”
----Punchline----
 “That’s right.”
----Tagline(s)----
 “I’ll go outside and see what they want.”


Similarity Score:0.37037037037037035
Percent Error Setup:92.4130538351596%
Percent Error Punchline:70.09857612267251%
Percent Error TagLine:847.9166666666666%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:86.19740464018875%
----Setup----
 It is wild, bro.
 Where you from, man? Hmm? Where you from? -New York.
 -You from what, Manhattan? Brooklyn.
----Punchline----
 You are from Brooklyn, aren’t you? You look like you can rob somebody with a hammer.
----Tagline(s)----
 Brooklyn niggas rob you with shit they find around the house.


Similarity Score:0.28
Percent Error Setup:89.16150547879943%
Percent Error Punchline:69.44140197152245%
Percent Error TagLine:1132.2916666666665%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:74.43963822257177%
----Setup----
 “I just got stabbed with a toothbrush.
----Punchline----
 This nigga must be from Brooklyn.”


Similarity Score:0.4
Percent Error Setup:95.66460219151978%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:92.33189146677154%
----Setup----
I’m fucking around.
 Yeah, man.
 Well, you ladies were right.
 Be honest with you, your lives look terrifying to me.
 They do.
 Man, I know nothing about being a woman, but I know fear.
 Yo, I used to live in New York when I was 17.
 I couldn’t even pay my bills.
 You know what I did to make money? I used to do shows for drug dealers that wanted to clean their money up.
 One time I did a real good set, and these motherfuckers called me in the back room.
 They gave me $25,000 in cash.
 I was probably 18, 19 years old.
 I was scared.
 I thanked them profusely, I put that money in my backpack, I jumped on the subway and started heading towards Brooklyn at one in the morning.
 Never been that terrified in my life.
 Because I’d never in my life had something that somebody else would want.
 I thought to myself, “Jesus Christ, if these motherfuckers knew how much money I had in this backpack, they’d kill me for it.”
 Then I thought, “Holy shit.
----Punchline----
 What if I had a pussy on me all the time?”


Similarity Score:0.29896907216494845
Percent Error Setup:1.3696998570747965%
Percent Error Punchline:19.605695509309967%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:0.8257963035784496%
----Setup----
 That’s what women are dealing with.
----Punchline----
 I’m going to tell you right now.


Similarity Score:0.6666666666666666
Percent Error Setup:96.20652691757981%
Percent Error Punchline:20.26286966046002%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:92.33189146677154%
----Setup----
 It’s real talk.
----Punchline----
 If them same drug dealers gave me a pussy and said, “Put this in your backpack and take it to Brooklyn,” I’d be like, “Nigga, I can’t accept this.”


Similarity Score:0.5294117647058824
Percent Error Setup:97.83230109575989%
Percent Error Punchline:199.01423877327494%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:82.6189539913488%
----Setup----
   I empathize, man, you know.
 Everybody gets mad because I say these jokes, but you gotta understand that this is the best time to say them.
 More now than ever, and I know there’s some comedians in the back.
 Motherfucker, you have a responsibility to speak recklessly.
 Otherwise my kids may never know what reckless talk sounds like.
 The joys of being wrong.
 I didn’t come here to be right, I just came here to fuck around.
 It’s hot in here suddenly, isn’t it? Wonder where that heat came from.
 [exhales]
----Punchline----
 I wonder what happened to me.


Similarity Score:0.4158415841584158
Percent Error Setup:49.05907575035731%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:48.368069209594964%
----Setup----
 Maybe there’s something else going on.
 Maybe these rapes aren’t even the worst of it.
----Punchline----
 Wouldn’t that be something? Wouldn’t that be something? You can go to the bathroom, Brooklyn, you don’t need to hear this shit.


Similarity Score:0.5128205128205128
Percent Error Setup:91.32920438303954%
Percent Error Punchline:129.24424972617743%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:80.06291781360598%
----Setup----
 You see that motherfucker right there? He’s under an enormous amount of pressure.
 He is.
----Punchline----
 Just being big and black with that hairdo, nigga, these motherfuckers are a suspect for everything.
----Tagline(s)----
 Except white collar crime.


Similarity Score:0.3076923076923077
Percent Error Setup:91.32920438303954%
Percent Error Punchline:69.44140197152245%
Percent Error TagLine:468.75%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:80.06291781360598%
----Setup----
 [sighs]
Sometimes I want to talk about where I went, but y’all don’t want to know.
 I was gone for a long time, nigga.
----Punchline----
 I was in the upside down.


Similarity Score:0.7741935483870968
Percent Error Setup:86.99380657455931%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:84.1525756979945%
----Setup----
 Scary being a white dude now, isn’t it? A little bit, no? Well, you’re not going to get “me too-ed.”
 You know what I mean.
 It’s funny for a black dude to see white people go through this because this is how it always is for us.
----Punchline----
 All my heroes were either murdered by the government or… are registered sex offenders.


Similarity Score:0.5079365079365079
Percent Error Setup:73.98761314911863%
Percent Error Punchline:49.50711938663746%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:67.79394416044042%
----Setup----
 Sad.
 I know, man.
 We’ve already been through it.
Like Michael Jackson.
 Remember when they said all that shit? They never proved anything till his dying day.
 But they said that he did some very heinous things.
 And one time I watched a documentary about it.
 They were talking all this shit Michael Jackson allegedly did, and as they were saying all these allegations, they started showing pictures of his home– Neverland Ranch.
----Punchline----
 You’ve ever seen Michael Jackson’s house on television? Um… Well, the short of it is there’s a lot of things for kids to do at that place.


Similarity Score:0.28
Percent Error Setup:60.981419723677945%
Percent Error Punchline:179.07995618838993%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:48.87927644514353%
----Setup----
 And I saw the whole thing.
 Exotic animals and Ferris wheels and merry-go-rounds and shit.
 And the more they showed it, the more certain I was that… I don’t think Michael Jackson did any of those things they said he did.
 His house didn’t look sexual.
----Punchline----
 It looked like… he was flossing with those motherfuckers.


Similarity Score:0.45614035087719296
Percent Error Setup:74.52953787517865%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:70.86118757373181%
----Setup----
 Didn’t look like he’s trying to fuck kids, looked like he’s trying to impress ’em.
----Punchline----
 Like, this nigga’s Jay-Z for kids.


Similarity Score:0.2608695652173913
Percent Error Setup:91.32920438303954%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:88.24223358238301%
----Setup----
 He’s just walking through his house.
 “This is my cotton candy machine.
 It makes three tons of cotton candy a day.
----Punchline----
 You can have all the cotton candy you want.
----Tagline(s)----
 This closet is filled with nothing but custom-made karate slippers.


Similarity Score:0.4090909090909091
Percent Error Setup:88.07765602667938%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:1037.5%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:77.50688163586315%
----Setup----
 Hey, guys, let’s watch a movie.
 What movie do you want to see? Home Alone? No, don’t touch the DVD player.
 Macaulay Culkin’s here, he can act it out.
 Come on, Macaulay.
 Act out Home Alone for my guest.
----Punchline----
 ” And the kids were like, “Man, you are all right, mister.


Similarity Score:0.5660377358490566
Percent Error Setup:78.32301095759885%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:72.90601651592607%
----Setup----
 This is fantastic, man.
----Punchline----
 We had you all wrong.”


Similarity Score:0.36363636363636365
Percent Error Setup:97.29037636969986%
Percent Error Punchline:40.197152245345016%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:94.37672040896578%
----Setup----
 All wrong? What? I don’t understand.
 What do you mean?”
 “Huh? Oh, well, you know, man.
 We thought it was gonna be the usual.
----Punchline----
 You were gonna have us come over and give some wine cooler and… you know, suck our dicks.”


Similarity Score:0.45454545454545453
Percent Error Setup:86.45188184849928%
Percent Error Punchline:89.37568455640745%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:77.50688163586315%
----Setup----
 Nobody trying to suck your dick, nigga.
----Punchline----
 I was trying to show you a better life.


Similarity Score:0.8888888888888888
Percent Error Setup:95.66460219151978%
Percent Error Punchline:0.3285870755750262%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:90.79826976012583%
----Setup----
 Bubbles.
 Get these kids the fuck out of my house.
 You’re just like everyone else.”
 Hollywood is no place for moral absolutism.
 You know what I mean? We must never forget that R.
----Punchline----
 Kelly peed on a 15-year-old girl.
----Tagline(s)----
 And he also wrote “I Believe I Can Fly.”
 Same guy, same lifetime.


Similarity Score:0.631578947368421
Percent Error Setup:81.57455931395903%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:1416.6666666666665%
Percent TagLine Number:31.249999999999993%
Percent Error Total:70.86118757373181%
----Setup----
 If I showed you that video of him peeing on that girl, and scored it to “I Believe I Can Fly,” you’d be torn.
----Punchline----
 ♪ I used to think that I could not go on ♪ You wouldn’t know how to feel.
----Tagline(s)----
 It’s okay, my career ended many years ago.
 Order.


Similarity Score:0.32142857142857145
Percent Error Setup:86.45188184849928%
Percent Error Punchline:89.37568455640745%
Percent Error TagLine:1037.5%
Percent TagLine Number:31.249999999999993%
Percent Error Total:71.37239480928038%
----Setup----
I know, I’m terrible, I’m terrible.
 I’m sorry, everybody.
 I’m sorry.
 [exhales]
 Wanna know what happened to me? [audience]
 Yes.
----Punchline----
 Nah.


Similarity Score:0.2727272727272727
Percent Error Setup:89.16150547879943%
Percent Error Punchline:80.065717415115%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:88.75344081793158%
----Setup----
 It’s tempting, but I don’t want to talk about it.
 Maybe at the end.
 When I run out of things to talk about.
----Punchline----
 Actually, I’m almost there.


Similarity Score:1.3793103448275863
Percent Error Setup:86.99380657455931%
Percent Error Punchline:50.16429353778751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:85.17499016909163%
----Setup----
 I’m just trying to tell you what happened to me was not– I just didn’t have a good go of it.
 I don’t know what you guys think happens when you quit a successful show.
 I’ll tell you what doesn’t happen.
----Punchline----
 They don’t go, “Hey, good luck with your future endeavors.”


Similarity Score:0.5660377358490566
Percent Error Setup:77.2391615054788%
Percent Error Punchline:9.638554216867472%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:72.90601651592607%
----Setup----
 That’s not what happens.
 It was cold out there.
 For real, I had to watch it all go down without me.
 I had to watch all those people do my show.
 Key & Peele and Amy Schumer and… Mind of Mencia.
 I’m not gonna say they were doing my show.
 I’m just saying they were awfully similar.
 I was mad.
 People would come up to me on the street, “Yo, nigga.”
 Most people thought I was crazy, but sometimes people come, “Yo, nigga, you did the right thing, man.
 You my hero.”
 Nigga, I don’t want to be your hero.
----Punchline----
 I want to be rich.


Similarity Score:0.5046728971962616
Percent Error Setup:45.26560266793711%
Percent Error Punchline:40.197152245345016%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:45.30082579630358%
----Setup----
 Never choose to be a hero, ’cause heroes die uncomfortable deaths.
 All I wanted to be was Paul Revere.
 I just needed one heroic moment, you understand? “Paul Revere’s Ride” was only one night.
 And then 40 years of him being like, “Hey, y’all, remember that time everybody was asleep, and I was up, and the British was coming? Boy, it’s a good thing I was awake, nigga, everybody be dead.
----Punchline----
 Psh.”


Similarity Score:0.4864864864864865
Percent Error Setup:60.981419723677945%
Percent Error Punchline:80.065717415115%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:62.170664569406206%
----Setup----
That’s why I want to start a GoFundMe for Colin Kaepernick.
 I do, man.
 I’m fascinated with him.
 I want to make sure he never has to play football again.
 He can if he wants to.
 I just don’t want to have to.
 ‘Cause why the fuck not? I know he’s rich and people’d be like, “I’m not giving a GoFundMe to rich dude.”
 But you should.
 You should because that motherfucker’s life was going great.
----Punchline----
 He’s so light skinned, he didn’t have to say he was black.


Similarity Score:0.29213483146067415
Percent Error Setup:58.81372081943783%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:54.502556036177744%
----Setup----
 And yet, he took a knee during that anthem for us.
 Thought about us when things were going good, when his belly was full, when he was– He didn’t think about his livelihood or any of that, and they took his livelihood away from him.
 Like, man, that shouldn’t be the way it is.
Every fucking person that takes a stand for somebody else always gets beat down.
 And we watch.
 Over and over and over again, we watch it.
 We should pay those motherfuckers for blowing the whistle, because they make our lives better, and we could change the narrative.
 We could make one motherfucker have a good outcome for doing the right thing and that would make another motherfucker brave enough to do the right thing.
 And if you did that, the niggas like Harvey Weinstein wouldn’t rape for 40 years because a bitch want a stupid ass part.
We should take care of each other.
----Punchline----
 Wouldn’t it be nice to be like, “Remember that time he was gonna kill Jesus but then he got all that money?”


Similarity Score:0.14444444444444443
Percent Error Setup:14.917818008575512%
Percent Error Punchline:129.24424972617743%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:7.982697601258355%
----Setup----
 Real talk, man.
 It’s not a racial thing.
 It’s about us making our society better.
 It’s about like even these women that are coming forward, and everyone says they’re brave, and many of them are.
----Punchline----
 And a few of them– a few of them sucked the dick and got buyer’s remorse.


Similarity Score:0.2641509433962264
Percent Error Setup:80.49070986183897%
Percent Error Punchline:69.44140197152245%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:72.90601651592607%
----Setup----
You know, that’s a huge omission from this narrative.
 This wouldn’t have gone this far if some women weren’t willing to do it.
 You can’t ask every woman to hold the line.
 Some women can carry things heavier than others.
 So we should fight for one another.
 We should forgive the ones of us that are weaker and support the ones of us that are stronger.
 And then we can beat the thing.
 If you guys keep going after individuals, the system is going to stay intact.
 You have to have men on your side.
 And I’m telling you right now, you’re gonna have a lot of imperfect allies.
I’ll tell you what happened, but I can’t say it directly.
 There’s a book to me that encapsulates my entire experience.
 Before I left the show.
 And the book is called Pimp.
 It’s written by a guy named Iceberg Slim.
 Yeah, bring it up here.
 This is Matthew.
 Matthew’s from France.
 He’s white.
 And yet, he has an original copy of this book written by a black American who was a pimp in the ’40s.
 Iceberg Slim.
 His real name was Robert Beck.
 He got the name Iceberg because he was in a bar in Chicago, and there was a shootout in the bar, and a bullet went through this nigga’s hat, and he still finished his drink.
 Pimps love shit like that.
 They said, “Man, you’re ice cold.”
 And he said, “I like that.”
 And it stuck.
----Punchline----
This book is so heavy in the front and has a glossary of pimp terms, because the ideas are so foreign to the American ears.


Similarity Score:0.25092250922509224
Percent Error Setup:33.31348261076703%
Percent Error Punchline:149.17853231106244%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:38.537160833661034%
----Setup----
 Of course you don’t.
 Mileage on a ho is a very wild concept.
 It means that pimps understand there’s a finite amount of bad shit a person can do before they lose their fucking mind.
 And a good pimp can look at a woman that he’s never seen before and call it.
 She’s good for 500 fucks.
 That’s her mileage.
 Anything over that, that bitch is gonna spill.
 They do it to you.
----Punchline----
 Why the fuck you think most of us work from nine to five? ‘Cause nine to six might kill a bitch.


Similarity Score:0.25
Percent Error Setup:59.89757027155789%
Percent Error Punchline:119.27710843373494%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:50.92410538733779%
----Setup----
Iceberg Slim was the one that broke down what a bottom bitch was.
 Does anyone know what a bottom bitch is? Anyone? What’s a bottom bitch, sir? It’s your, uh– it’s your prostitute that’s the best out of all of ’em, that bring in the most money.
 That’s right.
----Punchline----
 That’s exactly right.


Similarity Score:0.41509433962264153
Percent Error Setup:73.4456884230586%
Percent Error Punchline:60.13143483023001%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:72.90601651592607%
----Setup----
 That’s right.
 A bottom bitch is a pimp’s number one ho.
 She’s even a bitch that helps him keep the other bitches in line.
 I will repeat.
 She’s even the bitch that helps him keep the other bitches in line.
----Punchline----
 If the pimp was McDonald’s, then the bottom bitch is his French fries.
----Tagline(s)----
 The rest of them bitches like fish sandwiches and cherry pies and shit like that.


Similarity Score:0.25
Percent Error Setup:77.78108623153884%
Percent Error Punchline:39.539978094194964%
Percent Error TagLine:1511.4583333333335%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:63.19307904050334%
----Setup----
Iceberg Slim breaks down some of the coldest capitalist concepts I’ve ever heard in my life.
 He describes in detail how these men break women so that they will give them the money that they make with their own bodies.
 There’s a story in here so cold, it makes me shudder to think about it.
 Iceberg Slim is trying to control the woman that he finds uncontrollable.
 So he asks an older pimp how he can rein her in.
 And the older pimp says, “Oh, that’s easy, Iceberg.
 All you have to do is beat that bitch with a coat hanger.
 And then run her a bath.
 And give her some pills.
 She’ll be so grateful that you fixed her, that she’ll forget you were the motherfucker that beat her in the first place.”
 That’s some cold shit.
Now.
 At the end of this book, Iceberg Slim tells a story.
 It’s kind of the crescendo of the book.
 And in the story, Iceberg Slim’s bottom bitch is at the end of her mileage.
----Punchline----
 If she was good for 500 fucks, she was at for 498.


Similarity Score:0.2594594594594595
Percent Error Setup:6.788947117675083%
Percent Error Punchline:29.572836801752466%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:5.426661423515531%
----Setup----
 She was bubbling, you could see it.
 She was going crazy.
 She started saying all kinds of shit.
 “I always wanted to be in the circus.”
----Punchline----
 Circus? This bitch is losing it.
----Tagline(s)----
 “I can juggle, too, you know?”


Similarity Score:0.6666666666666666
Percent Error Setup:85.36803239637922%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:658.3333333333333%
Percent TagLine Number:54.166666666666664%
Percent Error Total:78.52929610696027%
----Setup----
 He had to let her go.
 It was hard to let a bottom bitch go, and he wasn’t ready to let her go because his organization couldn’t handle losing her.
 But she didn’t know that.
 She didn’t know how important she was.
 So what he did was, he called her to ignite her.
 He said, “Look, bitch, you and I got to part ways.”
 She said, “Fine, motherfucker, I don’t need you anyway, because I know somebody at Ringling Brothers.”
----Punchline----
 He was like, “All right, whatever.


Similarity Score:0.29545454545454547
Percent Error Setup:56.10409718913768%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:55.01376327172631%
----Setup----
 I got one last trick for you.
 It’s a big money trick.
 You do this for me, you get paid, I get paid, and we go our separate ways.”
 She said, “Fine, motherfucker, what do you want me to do?”
 He said, “Okay, there’s a guy in that hotel across the street.
 He’s waiting for you in room number seven.
 I want you to go over there and fuck him.
 But before you do, I need to put some of this stuff in his drink.
 And then he’s gonna fall asleep.
 When he does, his briefcase on his bed, bring the briefcase to me.
 That’s the trick, bitch.
 Can you handle it?”
 She said, “Fuck yeah, I can.
 I can’t wait to get rid of you.”
----Punchline----
 And then she ran outside, jumped on a unicycle and peddled across the street.


Similarity Score:0.15492957746478872
Percent Error Setup:31.17555979037637%
Percent Error Punchline:49.50711938663746%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:27.408572552103816%
----Setup----
 And Iceberg watched her.
----Punchline----
 He’s like, “Man, she’s pretty good.”
----Tagline(s)----
 “If I never jerked off in her face, maybe she would’ve been in the circus now.”


Similarity Score:0.5333333333333333
Percent Error Setup:97.29037636969986%
Percent Error Punchline:30.230010952902518%
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----Setup----
And she runs up the motel steps and disappears in room number seven.
 She’s gone for a real long time.
 Real long time.
 So long, in fact, that Iceberg got a little worried.
 But then, suddenly, she came back.
 [gasps]
 He says, “Where’s the briefcase?”
 She said, “I didn’t get it, Daddy.”
 “What do you mean you didn’t? What’s wrong with you?”
 She said, “I did everything you said, but that man didn’t look right.
 Something wrong, Daddy.”
 “What do you mean? Did you put that stuff in his drink?”
 “I did everything you said, Daddy.
 I put all of it in his drink.”
 He said, “Wait a minute, bitch, you put all of it in his drink?”
 Now he had to see for himself.
 So the two of them go to the motel, and they go into room number seven.
 And on the bed laying lifelessly is the white man that she was supposed to fuck.
 Iceberg said, “You right, bitch.
 He don’t look good.
 What the fuck?”
 So he called a friend of his that was a doctor that was close by.
 And the doctor came in, gave the guy a thorough examination and told them both what was obvious.
 “Slim, this motherfucker is dead.”
 “Oh, God, Daddy.
 Oh, no.
 Oh, no.
 We killed him!”
 He said, “Calm down, bitch.
----Punchline----
 We didn’t do anything.


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----Setup----
 You killed this motherfucker.”
 And then he reached on the bed and he grabbed the briefcase.
 He popped it open.
 It was filled with money.
 More than any of them had ever seen.
 Iceberg took a little bit of the money and gave it to the doctor, and the doctor left discreetly.
 “All right, bitch, let me think.
 [sighs]
 I can fix this for you.
 I know somebody I can call.
 But if I call him, I’m gonna owe these motherfuckers a big favor.”
 “Oh, God, Daddy, please.
 I don’t want to go to jail.”
 “Neither do I, bitch, so you shut up.”


He picked up the phone.
 She heard him mumbling in the phone a little bit.
 He hung up the phone, and then she was pacing the room, and he was just standing there cool, and they were waiting and waiting, and then suddenly, a van pulled up downstairs.
 Two guys get out with a carpet.
 They walk upstairs, they roll that carpet out on the floor, they throw the body in the carpet.
 They roll that motherfucker up like a burrito, they pick that shit up, and they throw it in the back of the van.
 They come back up and Iceberg opens the briefcase again and gives them a little money.
 He says, “I’ll get in touch with you guys later.”
 They say, “You’re not going to get in touch with us, we’ll find you.”
 He said, “Whatever, nigga.”
 And they bounced.
 “Oh, God, Daddy.
 Oh, God.”
 He says, “Relax, bitch.
 Listen.
 We getting the fuck out of here.
 You go downstairs and you get the car.
 We gotta leave separately.”
 She went, she got the car.
 Iceberg grabbed that briefcase, waited a few minutes, looked out the window, and then he went down with her.
 They both got in the car, and they drove off.
 She was a blubbering mess.
 “Oh! Oh, we did all this shit!”
 He said, “I told you bitch.
 We didn’t do anything.”
 You killed the motherfucker, and I cleaned him up, and now we got us a secret.
 Okay? I know I’m not going to tell, bitch, is you?”
 “Oh, no, I ain’t gonna tell.”
 He said, “All right, baby, cool.
 I’m gonna need you to stay with me for a while till this shit cools down.”
 She goes, “Okay, okay.
 Okay.”
 That’s the game.
That’s how the whole shit works, ladies.
 You understand? This bitch was at the end of her mileage.
 She was at for 498, she ended up tricking for Iceberg for another six months.
 She must have turned another 200 tricks for him.
 Do you understand? That’s some cold shit.
 And the cold shit about it is that the dead guy on the bed wasn’t even dead at all.
 This motherfucker was just a friend of Iceberg’s acting like he’s asleep.
 The doctor wasn’t a doctor.
----Punchline----
 He was a motherfucking butcher that happened to have a white coat.


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----Setup----
 And the dudes who came in the moving van clothes was dressed like movers because they were movers.
----Punchline----
 Iceberg had gotten a new apartment.


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----Setup----
 And the bag of money… was Iceberg’s money in the first place.
 The money he got from all those women.
 That’s a cold game.
 That’s the motherfucking capitalist manifesto, and that’s why I went to South Africa.
----Punchline----
 So now we got us a little secret, bitch.



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----Setup----
 Everybody be comfortable and relax.
 Oh, my gosh.
 Good to be back in Austin, Texas.
----Punchline----
 It’s good to know that plaid is back in.


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----Setup----
Most of the dudes I meet around these parts are dressed like a dike in New York, so I’m glad to see that.
 Man! Fucking Texas.
----Punchline----
 This place is— It’s pretty good.


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----Setup----
Pretty damn good.
 I was in Santa Fe the other night, and a motherfucker threw a banana peel at me.
 Yeah, that didn’t feel so good.
 Of course, it was a white person.
 Not to indict the whites.
 I’m just saying.
 Not to profile.
 And then, not only did he throw a banana peel at me, but… it was premeditated.
 You could tell.
 You could tell.
 The peel was too brown.
 You know what I mean? You didn’t eat that banana recently, motherfucker.
 You had that shit waiting on me.
 And the whole crowd was white, so it just got instantly creepy, and everyone looked like they were looking at 12 Years a Slave.
----Punchline----
 They were all just like… Who the fuck does that? And then they arrested the guy, which was… 


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----Setup----
 I said, “Someone’s gonna fuck you in the butt in the holding cell.
 You know that, right? You can’t just be throwing banana peels at Dave Chappelle.
 They’re not gonna let you get away with this.”
And the press called me up like, “Do you have a statement?”
 “A statement?! For a fucking banana peel? No! I don’t have anything to say.”
 This guy was fucking famous for throwing a banana peel at me.
 Twenty years from now, he’ll be tucking his kids into bed, and the kids will be like, “Daddy, tell me about the day you threw that banana peel at that nigger in Santa Fe.”
 “Boy, I tell you what.
 That black motherfucker had it coming.
 I saw his name up on the marquee about a week before.
 I said, ‘Man, if I could just get close enough to meet him… I’d throw a banana on that nigger and show him how—'” Fucking Bananagate.
 I didn’t even like— I didn’t even want to press charges.
This has happened to me before.
 No, seriously.
 Not a banana.
----Punchline----
 I live in Ohio, right? So, this was a few winters ago.


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----Setup----
Oh, I didn’t know you would ever clap for that.
 Well, all right.
 That’s the first time that shit’s ever happened.
 “Ohio?!”
 Anyway… I live amongst the whites.
 Small town in Ohio.
 And it was wintertime, and it had snowed recently, so there’s huge snowdrifts on the street.
 I was walking with my sister.
 Now, my sister was dressed in all Muslim garb, as were her children, and I was dressed as Dave Chappelle.
 And we were walking and just talking about something, and a car sped around the corner, and the window came down, and somebody threw a snowball and hit me right in my shoulder.
 [thud]
 I didn’t know what was going on.
 Why was this happening? Because I’m black? Because she’s Muslim? Because I’m Dave Chappelle? I couldn’t tell.
 But, again, I knew it was premeditated.
 Because who the fuck has a snowball in a warm car? But he didn’t think it all the way through, lady.
 Because he went around the corner and got stopped at a red light.
 He was caught in the traffic.
 So, I ran out into the street, and I just tapped on his window.
 [thumping]
 “My man, could I just talk to you guys for a second? Come on out for one second.
 I just want to talk to you.”
 There’s four young white dudes in the car.
 They’re like, “Just chill, bro.”
 I said, “Relax.
 I just want to talk.”
 Now, this is an old black trick.
 Really, I didn’t want to talk.
 I was gonna fuck ’em up.
 So, if you’re ever caught in traffic, and a black guy starts saying he just wants to talk to you, don’t open the door.
 Even if he’s me, smiling at you.
And they were like, “Chill, bro.
 Just chill.”
 And the one guy in the back seat— I don’t know what, he was just cockier than his friends.
 He was like, “Fuck it, man! I’ll get out the car!”
 And I started yanking on his door.
 “Let me help you, motherfucker.
 Let me just help you out.”
 And I didn’t notice his window was down.
 And he threw a snowball, that shit hit me right in my chest.
 Pow! He said, “Fuck you, you fucking nigger!”
 And then the light turned green and they sped off.
 And I smiled from ear to ear.
 I looked at my sister, and she said, “I got the plates.”
 And I was happy as shit because throwing a snowball at a motherfucker is a misdemeanor assault.
 But if you call him a nigger when you do it, that’s a felony hate crime.
 And me and my sister start dancing.
 “We’re gonna send this motherfucker to jail!”
I didn’t notice it, but while I was yelling at him, a crowd of all-white people had formed, ’cause it was an all-white town.
 And I was like, “Uh-oh.”
 I thought I was gonna get jumped.
 Then one of them white guys stepped up and was like, “I didn’t like that at all.
 This is not what this town represents.
 I don’t want this goddamn stuff in my vicinity.”
 And another white guy was like, “Yeah! I didn’t like it, either!”
 And then an old white guy stepped out of the crowd and said, “Young man, if you’re going to fill out a police report, I would like to come with you and do the same.”
 I said, “You guys would do that for me?”
 And the whole crowd said, “Hooray!”
 I said, “Come on, y’all!”
 I looked like Malcolm X going to see Brother Johnson with a trail of white people.
Unreal.
 An hour later, we were all sitting in the police station, and the police came in.
 They were like, “Well, Mr.
 Chappelle… sixteen identical police reports.
 We ran the tags.
 Two young men that had their mother’s car.
 We have all four suspects in holding, and the mother is here.
 It’s up to you.
 Whatever you want to do.
 If you want to press charges, we’ll move forward.
 Mr.
 Chappelle, are you okay?”
 “Huh? Sorry about that, Officer.
 I’m a little flustered.
 I’ve never been in a position where I could decide the fate of white children before.
 But… it’s weighing heavy on me, sir.
 And I really can’t decide.”
And I saw a lady pacing back and forth in the hallway, and I said, “Is that—” He goes, “Yes, that’s their mother.”
 “Can I speak to her before I make a decision?”
  And when the mom came in and she saw it was me, she busted out crying.
 “Oh, God.
 Oh, no.
 I don’t want him to go to jail.
 I am so sorry.
 I didn’t raise him to do this.
 We love your comedy.
 We love you at the house.”
 I said, “Miss, please, just— All right, look.
 I don’t necessarily want your son to go to jail, either.
 But what he did was pretty fucked up.
 So, is there something we can do, short of jail, just to let him know that he’s wrong?”
 She said, “I don’t know.
 What did you have in mind?”
 “Miss, I’ve never been in this position before.
 Oh, you know what we could do? I don’t know if I’m asking too much.
 But maybe if you— if you could just… suck my dick a little bit.
 Just a little bit.
 I’m not gonna finish.
 I just want you to do it enough so that I can tell him you did it.”
 I’m kidding.
 I’m kidding.
 I wouldn’t do that to anybody’s mother.
 Maybe my kid’s mom, but that’s it.
Ebola was in Texas.
 Ebola made a visit.
 Killed that man in Dallas.
 Five days, that man melted to death.
 What happened to the brother in Dallas? “Where was the secret serum?”
 is what we all said.
 I remember in the beginning of Ebola, there were two American doctors that got sick in Africa.
 They flew them in a private jet straight to Atlanta, to the CDC.
 I didn’t even know CDC saw patients.
 There it was said they administered what The New York Times called “a secret serum.”
 I don’t know what’s in it.
 It’s just like Colonel Sanders’ recipe.
 But both of these motherfuckers survived.
 These doctors, thank God, are healthy.
 They are out there somewhere tonight at Whole Foods, touching vegetables, walking around.
 Everything’s okay.
 “Hey, Frank.
 How are you?”
 “You didn’t hear? I had Ebola last week.
 But I’m doing all right now.
 I was bleeding out of my eyes and anus, so I got concerned, but I’m okay.”
What happened to the brother in Dallas? They just rubbed some Vicks on that nigga’s chest.
 “Good luck, little buddy.”
 I knew he wasn’t gonna make it.
 I remember.
Sad.
 I saw in The New York Times— they said Ebola is the new AIDS.
 Whew! Isn’t that something? Here I am, thinking that old AIDS was working just fine, and they already have a new AIDS out.
 Isn’t that amazing how they do that? Isn’t it weird how there’s a disease that just starts in 1980, and it doesn’t kill anybody but niggas, fags and junkies? Isn’t that a fucking amazing coincidence that this disease hates everybody that old, white people hate? I think either God is white, or the government hid that shit in disco balls.
 Only fun people get AIDS.
Last month, on the front of The New York Times, the measles was the headline.
 I had to check the date of the paper.
 I was like, “Measles? Is this 1850? What the fuck is this? Why is measles in the news?”
----Punchline----
 It turns out they were trying to decide if mandatory vaccinations for children is the way we all want to go.


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----Setup----
   You say yes? I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
 I just— I don’t know.
 I don’t know about this one.
 First of all, black people generally don’t trust doctors.
 After the Tuskegee experiments and all that shit.
 More importantly, don’t forget Michael Jackson was killed by a doctor.
 Granted, he was doing drugs.
 But if I was a heroin addict and I had a licensed physician injecting heroin in me, I should survive that.
 I’d just be like, “I’m good, right? I’m good? It’s not too much, is it?”
 Dr.
 Butterfingers killed Michael Jackson.
 After that, I was like, “Fuck going to the doctor.”
Why the fuck am I getting my kids vaccinated for an old-ass disease like measles? You might as well give them a diarrhea shot if you’re so worried.
 Diarrhea has a bigger body count than the measles do.
 You know, diarrhea is funny today, but… a hundred years ago, if your ass had diarrhea, you were a goner.
 There was a zero chance of surviving.
 You get that first squirt.
 Pfft! Uh-oh.
 “Better start getting my affairs in order.
 I don’t have much time.
 It’s diarrhea.
 It’s very serious.”
 You just watch your buddy slowly die in a pool of his own shit.
 Pfft! “Oh.
 Oh.
 I give up, diarrhea.”
 Pfffft! “You’re too strong.”
 Pfft! Nowadays, your buddy would be like, “You got diarrhea? Just eat a banana, nigga.
 Drink some water.
 Let’s get to the club.
 We can still make last call.”
Tough time for the blacks.
 These are not good times for the blacks.
 You know what I’m talking about, right? Police are killing us again.
 It’s a very unfortunate set of circumstances, because we were doing very well.
 You know, America has a racial hot seat.
 I think we can all agree that’s the truth.
 And we can also agree that that hot seat is traditionally occupied by African-Americans in general, African-American men in particular.
 Although, I can see that, in recent years, that seat has been occupied by Mexicans… and I daresay Arabs.
 And we, the black Americans, would like to thank you both for your sacrifice and your struggle.
 We needed a break.
 We needed a goddamn break.
 We all go through something, but at least I can leave my backpack someplace.
 If you’re Arab and forget a backpack, you got about 20 minutes before they send that robot to blow your shit up.
 You can kiss all that Engineering homework good-bye, Fouhad.
Now ISIS is number one on the terrorist charts.
 And ISIS is fucking scary.
 ‘Cause if ISIS catches you, they’re going to cut your head off.
 That’s what they do.
 I’ve seen them do it on YouTube.
 It was fucking awful.
 He looked right into the camera and said, “Obama, I am back.”
 [swish]
 I saw that shit, I said, “Oh, my God.
 Don’t like.”
 How is this guy cutting people’s heads off on YouTube? I can’t even post a dick pic, and this motherfucker is decapitating people.
 I’m gonna have to change my settings.
You know, everyone has it hard.
 But I think, harder than black people and harder than Arabs and Mexicans, you know who has it the worst? Fat black people.
 It’s hard for white people to understand, but what I’m saying is very true.
 Fat black people have a really rough road, because all manner of things kill white people.
 But you know what kills more black people than anything, more than police and terrorism? Salt, nigga.
 Regular-ass table salt.
 Here, white people are getting Ebola cures and shit, and meanwhile, I’m dying from fucking flavoring.
Look, honestly, I’ll stop talking about it.
 Let me say this, though.
 Let me just say this.
 Can we all just say that we’ve seen it coming? Were you surprised? It’s like when that guy threw that banana at me.
 Do you think I was surprised? Hell no.
 I’ve been in show business 30 years.
 I was expecting this banana.
 I knew one of these nights— I was like, “Somebody’s gonna throw a banana at me one of these nights.”
‘Cause that’s how it starts, with the name-calling.
 Like that Paula Deen.
 Remember Paula Deen got fired from the Food Network? If you know anything about show business, it is really hard to get fired from the fucking Food Network.
 And they dropped that bitch like a hot potato.
 All because she called somebody an N-word 30 years before she had a show.
 I don’t know who she said it to, but whoever it was was just looking at her like, “I’m gonna get you for this, bitch.”
 That shit came back 30 years later like a Bill Cosby rape and sunk her battleship.
 And every black person was mad, but we weren’t that mad.
 It was more confusing than it was infuriating.
 I was just like, “Well, how is this bitch gonna call me a nigger when she taught me how to fry chicken? That’s not fair.”
I think Donald Sterling‘s shit was more serious.
 Remember Donald Sterling? He used to own the Clippers, and then he got caught on a secretly recorded tape saying some very unsavory things about African-Americans.
 And there’s a lesson in that for all of us.
 The lesson is if you are old and white and racist in this great country, whatever you do… don’t tell your black girlfriend about that shit.
 Because… that’s who made the tape.
 She recorded all that shit.
 And the tape was terrible.
 He was like, “Stop bringing black guys to my games.”
 At first, we were all confused.
 “How the fuck are you gonna have a game without us?”
But it turned out that the black guy he was speaking of was none other than Magic Johnson, the billionaire! Unbelievable.
 Never even mentioned the fact that he had AIDS, which is the first thing I would’ve said to my girlfriend.
 This guy must be really racist if AIDS is the footnote.
 “You gotta be careful, baby.
----Punchline----
 He got the old Ebola.”


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----Setup----
 You can say what you want about that girl, but I’m gonna tell you right now she is a goddamn hero.
 You might’ve thought these things were happening before, but now you can see it all in front of you without a shadow of a doubt.
 That shit actually went down.
 She sucked that old guy’s dick.
 She really took one for the team on that one.
 That’s really gross.
 His dick is, like, 80 years old.
 It’s like tasting history.
 Like, five wars on it, the Civil Rights Movement, the Great Depression.
 This guy’s been fucking from 40 years before Bill Cosby‘s first rape.
 It’s a very old man.
 A very old penis.
But all that shit is still just name-calling.
 Like, name-calling does not break the modern black man.
 That’s not gonna do the trick.
 I don’t give a fuck about that.
 If I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken, and for some reason, everyone behind the counter had a Ku Klux Klan hood on top of their head, what do you think I’m gonna do in this day and age? Run out of Kentucky Fried Chicken? Not if I’m hungry.
 I’ll go straight to the front.
 “Hey, man.
 Let me get a two-piece.”
 I don’t give a fuck what he says.
 “You want a biscuit with that, nigger?”
 “I thought it came with a biscuit.
 What’s all this attitude? I want a two-piece.
 Chop, chop.
 You know what it is.”
 But I’m not gonna be mad.
 Why would I be mad? He’s the one that’s gotta work at Kentucky Fried Chicken, not me.
How about this? What if I lived in Austin and I had a white girlfriend? It’s possible in Austin.
 As a matter of fact, some people say it’s necessary.
 But that’s not the point.
 And me and my white girlfriend are at home one night, and we’re just doing what lovers do.
 Maybe she’s butt-naked and she’s down on one knee, giving me a hand-job.
 I love a good hand-job.
 And she’s really jerking me off.
 You know, getting her obliques nice and tight.
 I got a huge dick, so she’s like… 
[grunting]
 And I’m like, “Wow, this really feels wonderful.
 I think I’m gonna come.”
 And then she looks up at me and goes, “Come in my face… nigger.”
 I know, that’s a tough one.
 Well, what do you think I’m gonna do? “Hey!”
 That’s no time for integrity, ladies and gentlemen.
 I’m busting that nut in her face.
 I’ll sort through the ethics later.
 But I’m what they call a man of his word.
 If I say I’m coming, I’m coming.
 I don’t give a fuck what happens.
 God forbid, somebody could shoot me.
 If I say I’m coming, there’s still that— [imitates gunshot]
 It doesn’t mean I like getting shot.
Oh, boy.
 Yeah, a tough time for the blacks.
 I’m not gonna say nothing about the police.
 I’ll leave that for Chris Rock.
The other big sports story was, fucking, Ray Rice’s tape.
 Anyone see that Ray Rice tape? I can’t stop watching it.
 It’s fucking awful.
 It’s the most violent thing I’ve seen happen to a woman that was shot in color.
 Really fucking bad.
 If I could’ve froze time at that moment and gave Ray Rice some advice, I don’t think there’s any way possible I’d be like… “You should punch her in the face.”
 That’s a fucking terrible idea.
 At the same time, I also believe she shouldn’t have rushed him.
 What the fuck? You can’t beat him.
 Don’t rush a motherfucker that’s trained to stiff-arm people in the clutch.
 He’s gonna get the upper hand.
The only reason I bring him up is because he’s about to play football again.
 You didn’t know that? The NFL was told by a federal judge they had to reinstate Ray Rice because he was transparent with their investigation.
 He told them exactly what he did.
 And they can’t just change their ruling just because the tape came out.
 I get it.
 That’s like if I’m hanging out with my buddies, and I’m like, “Hey, guys, guess what I did last night? I fucked this big, fat girl I met at the club.”
 And they’re all like, “Oh, shit, Dave.
 That’s crazy.”
 And then they see a tape of me doing it, and they’re like… “We can’t hang out with you anymore, Dave.
 That’s not what this crew is all about.”
 I’d be like, “What? I told y’all what I did.”
What’s really fucked up is the tape was made before they were married.
 Isn’t that weird? I don’t know why she’d do that.
 I don’t even know why he would do that.
 As a guy, would you want to live with a woman that you had once punched in the face with all your strength? That’s some very bold Color Purple-type shit.
 “Celie! Come out here and shave me!”
 Are you out of your fucking mind?I had to ask an older friend of mine, just to get some perspective, this older black dude.
 Actually the fairest person I’ve ever met.
 And I asked him.
 I just said, “Hey, man, did you see that Ray Rice video?”
 And instantly, he was like, “David, that shit was disgusting.”
 And then a moment later, he goes… “I wonder what she said to him.”
 I don’t think that matters.
 I think the idea is you’re not supposed to punch her in the face.
 Because my wife says terrible shit to me.
 My wife once called me a pussy… in front of dinner guests.
 I know.
 I started to get mad, but then I was like, “Fuck it.
 She’s probably right.”
 I am a pussy.
 I admit it.
 I’m soft and warm and persuasive, like a real pussy.
 That’s right.
 Then I told her, “If you don’t take care of me properly, I might stink, like your pussy.”
[crowd]
 Ohh!Oh, we fight dirty at the Chappelle household.
 It’s not a big deal.
No, no.
 If you want to get to the bottom of a matter of the heart, what you’re supposed to do is ask a woman.
 Now, actually, there’s two women that I know— they’re both college professors in this little area I live in, and I meet them twice a week at Starbucks for coffee.
 We talk about important shit.
 And I asked the girls— we was in a coffee klatch.
 I said, “Yo, why do y’all think that this woman stayed with Ray Rice after he punched her in the face with all his strength?”
 And one of my girlfriends said, “David, you need to wake the fuck up.
 She’s staying for the money.”
 Now, wait a minute, ’cause my other girlfriend was like, “I disagree.
 I think that she actually loves him.”
 And I said, “Wait a minute, ladies.
 You know what? I think that you’re both right.”
 And what I was doing when I said that was preserving the possibility of a threesome with these bitches.
 I’d been chipping away at this pussy one cup of coffee at a time for, like, four years.
 I wasn’t gonna throw that hard work away with some Ray Rice shit.
 I don’t care that much.
 I’m just being real.
It’s fucked up, man.
 It’s a tough time for the blacks.
[man]
 I love you, Dave!I love you, too.
 And then here comes the banana peel.
 I’m waiting on it any second.
 You know that’s how it starts.
 I saw in the paper today that the guy that threw the banana at me got arrested again ’cause he threw a banana at another motherfucker in a bar in Santa Fe.
 Look it up online after the show.
 He actually did that.
 And that guy was black, too.
 I’m just saying.
 And you know why the guy said he did it that night? He said, “I did it ’cause Dave Chappelle is racist.”
 So, nigga? That’s not the best way to handle that if I am racist.
 What if Martin Luther King just went around throwing tuna casserole on white people? Would that work?[woman shouting]
Huh?   Come on, Dave!Your girl’s bubbling.
 She’s drunk as hell, buddy.
 Listen, sir, I don’t know what she’s saying, but just take my advice.
 Get some water in her, or you’re gonna have some dry pussy when you get home.
 His dick’s gonna be chafed the fuck up tomorrow.
Santa Maria.
 Who got a cigarette in here? Anyone got a cigarette I can borrow? Yeah.
 You, fella.
 Yeah, please.
[crowd]
 Ohh!Let me see.
 This is a Marlboro menthol.
 This could’ve been anybody.
 If it was a Newport, I’d be like, “A black dude threw that up.”
 But a Marlboro menthol, that’s one of them riddles.
----Punchline----
 Oh.


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----Setup----
Is the word “pussy” offensive?[crowd]
 No!All right, just checking, just checking.
 I asked that crowd when we was in Denver, “Is the word ‘pussy’ offensive?”
 And the whole crowd said no, except for two people.
 One was a woman in the front, older than me, maybe around my age.
 Definitely a feminist.
 You know what I mean.
 Short haircut, plaid shirt.
 You know what I’m saying.
 And she didn’t say it offended her.
 What she said is, she said, “I am uncomfortable with that word.”
 And I was like, “Really? You?”
 And before I could ask her why, there was one guy in the balcony— I don’t think he was saying this to me, but he said this.
 Everybody heard him say it.
 He goes, “It’s delicious.”
 I was like, “What?”
 I don’t think I’ve ever heard pussy called delicious before in my life.
 Now, this is not to say that it’s bad.
 But it’s definitely an acquired taste.
 I don’t think any of us tasted pussy our first time like… 
[smacking lips]
 “Mmm! It’s good!”
 It needs something.
You know, it’s illegal for a gynecologist to say the word “pussy.”
 They can only say “vagina,” or they can name individual parts medically, but they can never say shorthand, even if the gynecologist is a woman.
 I feel like if it was a woman gynecologist, it’s cool.
 Like, “Am I all right?”
 She’s like, “Girl, that pussy is…” [clicks tongue]
 She’d be like, “Yeah.”
I don’t think men should be allowed to be gynecologists.
 That shit is a conflict of interest.
----Punchline----
 Even when my wife was pregnant, we used to go to a gynecologist… 


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----Setup----
 and he’d put her legs up in that stirrup like this.
 He’d be like, “All right, Mrs.
 Chappelle, just try to relax.”
 I’d push him.
 “Back up, motherfucker! I got this.
 Just tell me what to look for.”
 One of those homestyle checkups.
There’s too many ethical questions when men do that.
 Like, can a gynecologist lose their license… for smelling their fingers during an exam? Is that illegal? How could they not? These are men.
 It’s like if you have a good barbeque, you don’t even think about it.
 You just…The word “pussy” is only offensive if you’re older.
 People my age and younger, I don’t think we even— We dance to that shit.
 That song comes on the radio— ♪ I beat the pussy up ♪ That’s on the radio.
 ♪ I beat the pussy up ♪ That’s a pretty harsh song.
 It’s nothing like a love song.
 There’s no tracks of his tears, no midnight trains to Georgia.
 This man simply beats the pussy up.
 Unbelievable.
 You don’t even know if he’s having sex with these women.
 They might just pull their pants down.
 He’d be like, pow! “G-Unit!”
You’ll be watching HBO.
 “Hi, I’m Larry Merchant, standing here ringside with the pussy after a devastating bout with 50 Cent.
 Pussy, come over here and let me talk to you for a second.
 My God, you look terrible.
 Your lips seem to be swollen.
 You’re bleeding a little bit.
 Tell me, pussy, what happened inside of that ring with 50?”
 [panting]
 “I don’t know, Larry.
 I felt really good in the first round.
 I was ready to fight.
 I was warm and moist, and… I don’t know.
 He just hit me from angles I wasn’t expecting.
 Front, left.
 The backside surprised me the most.”
 “Well, pussy, let’s take a look at round four.
 This is where it all went wrong for you.
 Here you come out of your corner, pussy.
 You’re fighting really good.
 It looks like you got 50 with a right and a left, but then 50 slips you a jab.
 And there.
 There.
 Right there.
 You see that? He punches you right on that— that little bean thing you have on the top of your head.
 I don’t know what that is.
 There’s 50 just pounding away at that bean, over and over.
 Now, pussy, tell me, what goes through a fighter’s mind when their bean gets rattled around like that?”
 “I don’t think I was thinking anything, Larry.
 I’m a real good defensive fighter.
 It’s real hard to get to me.
 I’ve never been punched directly on my bean before.
 As a matter of fact, most fighters don’t even know that bean exists.
 I guess he just hit me, then I lost control of my legs.
 I don’t know what else to tell you.”
I like when Lil Wayne talks about pussy, because he’s— Remember Lil Wayne used to have that song? He say, “♪ I got a bitch that plays movies In my Jacuzzi” ♪ Then he goes like this: “♪ Pussy juicy ♪
” That shit— That shit always makes me laugh.
 No guy says that.
 Only Lil Wayne says some shit like that.
 If you was fucking a girl, and she’s like, “Is this pussy good?”
 And you’re like, “Yeah, it’s juicy.
 It’s good.”
 The pussy was juicy.
 That’s why I’m not Lil Wayne.
 ‘Cause if I was in a hot tub with a girl, and I could tell that the pussy was juicy while I was in the hot tub, I’d probably get out of the tub.
 I’m a germophobe.
 I just picture Lil Wayne like… “What is this strange oil… floating in my hot tub water? It’s pussy juice.”
That shit was so funny to me, I must’ve wrote, like, no less than 40 jokes with the punch line “pussy juice,” and all of them worked to some degree 100% of the time.
 I’ll do one more just so you believe me.
 Okay.
 All right.
 In this next piece, it’s a special episode of CSI.
 For some reason, Lil Wayne’s guest starring as the lead detective.
 Okay? That’s the setup.
 Are you ready? Here it goes.
 “Has anyone else been on this crime scene?”
 “No.”
 “It’s very strange.
 This place is virtually undisturbed.
 No forced entry.
 No sign of a struggle.
 Shine your flashlight right here.
 I just slipped in something.
 What is this? What is this? It glistens in the light.
 Smooth to the touch.
 This is pussy juice.
 She must’ve been sitting Indian style.”
 Thirty-nine more where that came from.
Everybody’s mad about something.
 Recently, I got attacked online by some gay bloggers, and it hurt my feelings.
 I have no problem with gay people, but I fucking hate bloggers.
 I’m not saying it ’cause this person was gay.
 They was just acting like a bitch online.
 They was mischaracterizing my jokes, trying to make a point off of me, when it was really like— “Yo, I’m your ally, motherfucker.
 I’m not trying to stop gay people.
 I got better shit to do.”
 This motherfucker was saying things, trying to get gay people to beat me up.
 Seriously, he was like… 
[effeminate voice]
 “Dave Chappelle’s jokes—” I don’t know how he actually talks.
 I’m just making his voice up.
 “Dave Chappelle’s jokes were an affront to the manhood of all gay men.”
 What the fuck does that mean? I didn’t say anything that would allude to gay men not being men.
 I know you’re men.
 In fact, what could be manlier than fucking another guy in the ass? It’s the most gangster shit I’ve ever heard of in my life.
 I told you, I’m not cut out for that.
 I’m a pussy.
You know what I said? This is all I said.
 First of all, I’ll tell you right now what I said, and I’ll tell you this was not a joke.
 It’s a true story, and I just happened to tell it.
 What happened was, I went to a gallery party, all right? I don’t know who in here has ever been rich before, but these are very nice parties.
 You know, wine and cheese and baller conversation.
 And there was a few eccentric types, one of which was a very wealthy man that happened to be wearing a dress.
 I don’t know what you call him.
 A tranny, or a drag queen, perhaps.
 Whatever he was, he was definitely a man.
 And this man was definitely on drugs.
 I don’t know what kind of drugs he was on, but I knew he had too much.
 He didn’t look good.
 He was like this.
 [moans]
 He looked sick, and all his friends were standing around him, concerned, trying to revive him.
 I don’t know what, it looked like some kind of gay CPR.
 There was fanning and shit.
 They was like— I saw all this from a distance.
 Now, I should’ve minded my own business, but I got curious.
 I was like… And I went over there.
 All I said, “Excuse me, gentlemen.
 Is he okay?”
 Then they looked at me like I was evil.
 “She is fine.”
 I said, “Word? Oh.
 I’m sorry.
 I didn’t know this is what we were doing.”
 Here’s my thing.
 I support anybody’s right to be whoever they feel like they are inside.
 I’m your ally in that.
 However… my question is… to what degree do I have to participate in your self-image? Is it fair that I have to change my whole pronoun game up for this motherfucker? That doesn’t make sense.
 Seriously.
 If I put on an argyle sweater, and I’m like, “Hey, everybody, I feel like a white guy in this sweater, and I want some goddamn respect and a bank loan,” that’s not gonna work.
 You don’t give a fuck how I feel.
 Why should I give a fuck how you feel? “Nigger” is a pronoun.
But there was no time for philosophical debate.
 This was an emergency situation.
 I said, “Fine.
 I’m sorry, guys.
 I was just worried because— because she looks terrible.
 And she just fell off the bench.
 It appears that her dick is popping out of her dress.
 You mind if I call an ambulance, champ? I’d rather not be at a party where a tranny OD’s.
 There’s too many questions to answer.”
Okay, I’ve been through this before.
 I had a friend from high school.
 Now, in high school, this guy was a thug.
 He was a fucking dope boy.
 He did it all.
 He was a wild dude.
 People used to be very scared of him.
 And then after high school, word on the street was he had come out the closet.
 I personally didn’t believe it.
 I bring him up because last year, he calls me out of the blue, like, “Yo, what’s up, man? I got your number from so-and-so.
 I heard you’re gonna be in New York doing a show.
 Could I get some tickets?”
 I was like, “Fuck yeah, you can get some tickets.
 How you been?”
 He said, “We’ll catch up at the show, but I appreciate it.
 I’ll see you soon.”
 I said, “All right, man.
 Take care.”
 I was about to hang up, but I couldn’t resist.
 I was just like, “Hey, nigga, I heard you was gay.
 What’s going on with that?”
 And I wish I didn’t ask.
 ‘Cause he sounded like he was dying to talk about that shit, and he had a long story about it.
 It’s not that I didn’t care, but I was— I don’t like talking on the phone.
 I was watching TV at the same time.
 So, I just wasn’t really paying attention like I should.
 I was trying to sound supportive, but I didn’t really know what to say.
 So, I just mumbled and shit throughout this conversation.
 I was like, “Well, you know, nigga, you’re gay, man.
 You’re just gay.
 Come on, man.”
 This went on for a while.
 Then finally, I had to say something definitive to get him off the phone.
 And I was like, “Hey, you know what? Don’t let people get you down, all right? And the next time someone tries to make you feel bad about yourself, just remember: Everybody fucks funny to somebody.”
 He didn’t like that shit.
 He said, “What the fuck does that mean?”
 I said, “Huh?”
 He said, “You saying I fuck funny, motherfucker?”
 I said, “No, that’s not what I’m saying.
 I’m saying everybody’s different.”
 He said, “You didn’t say ‘different.
’ You said ‘funny.
’ What’s so fucking funny about the way I fuck?”
 And I said, “Hey, man, I fuck feet.”
 He said, “What?!”
Oh, this is not a joke, ladies and gentlemen.
 I get women to squeeze their feet together like this, and I fuck them right in that little space in their feet.
 But you can’t build a community behind that shit.
 There’s no flag for us.
That shit made him laugh.
 The next day, after the show, I saw him backstage.
 He was like, “What’s up, man? I’m like, “Oh, shit! What’s going on?”
 He had his buddy with him.
 He goes, “Dave, I want you to meet Manuel.
 Manuel’s my fiancé.
 We’re in New York getting married ’cause it’s legal here.”
 I said, “Oh.
 Well, congratulations, fellas.”
 And Manuel was like, “Gracias.”
 And he went to go get some drinks, and then my buddy looked at me.
 He was like, “So, Dave… what do you think?”
 And I started mumbling again.
 “Well, you’re gay, nigga.
 You know, you’re just gay.”
 He said, “I’m a little nervous about getting married, man.
 It’s a big step.”
 I said, “Yeah, it is.
 It’s a big step.”
 He said, “You’ve been married for a while.
 You got any advice for us?”
 “No, I’m married to a woman.
 Sorry about that.”
 And he corrected me.
 He said, “No.
 You married the person that you love, so it’s essentially the same.”
 I said, “You know, man, the problem with that statement is that it makes the assumption that I love her.
----Punchline----
 But—”Will you guys lighten the fuck up? Of course I love my wife.


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----Setup----
 As a matter of fact, she eats and spends this shit.
 No, I told him, I said, “You know what you should do, man? First of all, you shouldn’t do it.”
 I’m talking about being legally married.
 It’s not that you’re gay as much as just legal marriage is a fucking diabolical leverage game in the United States.
 I’m just being honest.
 Devoid of religious significance or the idea of love, marriage is nothing but an awful contract that you shouldn’t sign.
 I’m just being real.
 Because you start out loving each other.
 Then two years later, you’re just building a case against one another… for a hypothetical court date that may or may not ever happen.
 You throw being gay on top of that, that shit is explosive.
It’s that Ray Rice shit.
 Right after Ray Rice went through all that shit, I was at a party and I met this kid Michael Sam.
 You know Michael Sam? Very nice guy.
 He’s the first openly gay NFL player.
 And Michael’s a very nice guy, a very brave guy, but when I met him, I couldn’t help but think, “What’s gonna happen when Michael Sam beats his wife up in the elevator? Is that domestic violence, or is that just two niggas working shit out in an elevator?”
 You know what I mean?Anyway… I give all married men the same advice, gay or straight.
 Get a dog.
 Because a dog will love you all the time, but she’s not going to.
 It was real talk.
 I didn’t even know about dogs, and my kids got the dog.
 They brought him home from the shelter.
 I didn’t even want him.
 They were like, “Can we keep him?”
 I said, “Nope.”
 I said, “Where did you get this dog?”
 They’re like, “From the shelter.”
 I was like, “Ugh.
 Probably something wrong with him.
 Can’t keep him.”
 And then my kids started crying and screaming like the dog had gambling debts.
 “Please, Dad! If you don’t let us keep him, they’re gonna kill him!”
 I was like, “Oh— All right, you can keep him.”
   And this dog was a menace.
 I hated his guts.
 One night, I’d smoked a bunch of weed, and I was eating a sandwich, and Baba came over— Baba is the dog.
 He came over and was staring at me.
 This will make you very uncomfortable, if he’s just looking at you eating.
 I had to give him a piece of my sandwich so he’d go away, and that’s how we became friends.
 Now, if you see me walking down the street with Baba, I ain’t got no leash or nothing.
 He walks right next to me.
 If I stop, he’ll stop.
 And if I go, he’ll go.
 And all my friends are like, “Yo, Dave, that shit is dope.
 How’d you train Baba to do that shit?”
 “I’ve never trained Baba.
 I’m just a messy eater.”
 If I drop food and Baba’s not around, all I gotta do is call him.
 “Baba!”
 He’s a black dude’s dog, so he doesn’t come right away.
 He peeks first to see what’s going on.
 I gotta tap my foot so he can see the food.
 “Over here, little buddy.”
 He’s like, “Thanks, Dave,” and he’ll come get it and run off.
 But he knows all my habits.
 If he smells weed in the house, he’ll be like… 
[sniffing]
 “Oh, this motherfucker’s about to eat.”
 And he’ll just come running.
Baba got me through a very difficult time in my marriage.
 We spend the most time together.
 It’s not that me and my wife don’t spend time together, but we’ve been married so long, we don’t talk like— I don’t know if anyone’s married here, but after ten years, all that chatty shit goes away.
 You’ve said it all.
 You know what I mean.
 Yeah.
 We’re just in the zone.
 She says the same shit to me every night before she goes to bed.
 I’ll be the last one up.
 She’s like, “I’m gonna get some sleep, Dave.
 Good night.”
 “All right, babe.
 I’m gonna stay up and watch television.
 Good night.”
 Then she’ll walk halfway up the steps.
 “David?”
 “Hmm?”
 “Don’t eat the kids’ lunch.”
 And then she walks away.
 Well, the crazy shit is, I don’t even eat their lunch anymore.
 Back in the day, I used to eat that shit.
 You know how that goes.
 Now I might smoke some weed in the middle of the night, and she’ll leave neatly-wrapped sandwiches all over the kitchen.
 I’m gonna eat it.
 What’s the big deal? Why can’t she just make another one in the morning? I mean, I got sons anyway.
 And sons love everything their dads do.
 My kids will be at school the next day like, “Oh, Dad bit my sandwich.
 Oh, shit!”
 Their dad is Dave Chappelle, man.
 You could trade that sandwich for something better.
 What I’m doing is adding value to their lunch.
 But she doesn’t understand these types of things.
Anyway, she gets mad at me.
 She’s mad at me now ’cause I got myself in trouble.
 I got myself extorted, which happens in this business.
 I come home from the road.
 There was a FedEx sitting on the kitchen table, and it was addressed to me, so I opened it.
 I don’t know who delivered it.
 And there was a videocassette inside with a note written on it that said, “Gotcha.”
 Oh, my God.
 Can you imagine? I freaked out.
 I tore the whole house apart, trying to find a VCR.
 I hadn’t seen a tape in over a decade.
 And I watched the tape, and it was awful.
 They got me.
 It was a tape of me— I was fucking a girl, okay? But it was from before I was married.
 But it was not a good look.
 And I felt sick to my stomach, and I looked up at the clock, and then I saw my wife was coming home in ten minutes, and I just panicked.
 I jerked off to the tape real fast, and then— and then I called the FBI.
 Who, by the way, made me feel much better.
 They didn’t say they were gonna catch ’em for sure, but they had the demeanor of some confident people that would catch ’em.
 So, I didn’t worry about it too much.
 And then, not even a week later, five days later, I come home, and there’s another videocassette sitting on my porch.
 As soon as I saw it, I just called the police.
 “They’ve done it again.
 You should probably look for a guy with bell-bottoms on, because I don’t know who the fuck is sending tapes!”
 And that second tape was the worst shit I’d ever seen in my life.
 It was awful.
 Career-ending bad.
 It was a tape of me… jerking off to the tape a week earlier.
 I don’t even know how they’d even get such a thing.
 I had to explain all of this to my wife.
 She was very mad.
No thing in this world is as cold as a woman’s cold shoulder, ’cause she was mad, but she wouldn’t talk to me about it.
 She would just punish me in little ways, make me do shit that I hate to do.
 Like pick the kids up from school.
 That’s one thing she made me do.
 That’s a hardship for me.
 I got one son that goes to a public school.
 And… his little brother goes to a private school.
 It’s an experiment.
 I just want to see what’s gonna happen to them.
 But what’s weird is, my little son in private school, he’s, like, my thuggy son, you know what I mean? I don’t know where he gets that from.
 He’s not getting it from me.
 And he’s definitely not getting it from that school.
 That school is very— It’s a liberal school.
 It’s the kind of school— there might be, like, 12 black students in the entire school, and I’m the only black parent.
 And none of the parents like me, either.
 Not ’cause I’m black, but they don’t like how I roll.
 I’ll be showing up late all the time, and I’m, like, in a Porsche, and I’m blasting music that they don’t like.
 ♪ I beat the pussy up ♪ Then I pull into the parking lot.
 I might be smoking a cigarette with the kids in the car.
 Then I pull into that handicapped space.
 And when I get out of the handicapped space, they always want to say some passive-aggressive shit.
 “Morning, Dave.
 Don’t know if you noticed, but you actually parked in the handicapped space.”
 “Yeah, you know, Frank, I did notice.
 But who is this handicapped guy we’re all waiting on that never shows up?”
So, I hate going over to that school.
 The only parents that are nice to me is a lesbian couple— Kate and Sarah.
 Actually, Kate hates my guts.
 Sarah knows that I’m black, and she’s half-black, so she just understands me.
 You know what I’m saying? I can’t explain it.
 Because I’ll say shit, and Kate’s just too serious about being a lesbian.
 I’ll be like, “Hey, Kate.
 Hey, Sarah.
 You guys going to the father-son picnic next week? How’s that gonna work?”
 And Kate will instantly be furious.
 But Sarah knows I’m fucking around, so she’ll just say something cool.
 “I don’t know, Dave.
 Maybe me and Kate will flip for that shit.”
 I said, “Bitch, you better save that coin toss, because everybody knows you’re strapping on in that household.”
 And then Kate will turn bright red, but Sarah just fist-bumps me, like, “You’re right, nigga.
 It’s me.
 Bop.”
We’re good friends.
 We’re good friends.
 They invite me to stuff.
 They’re my only friends at the school.
 So, imagine my surprise when I go to pick my son up after all this happens.
 And the teacher is waiting outside for me.
 She’s just standing right there in the middle of the handicapped space.
 I knew something was wrong, so I rolled the window down.
 “What’s going on?”
 “Hi, David.
 Can we talk to you for a minute in the office?”
 I said, “No, fuck that.
 We gotta talk right here.
 What’s going on?”
 I knew it was bad.
 “Ibrahim had a fight.”
 I said, “A fight?”
 “Don’t worry.
 Everyone’s okay.”
 I said, “Everyone? What happened?”
 “Well, that’s it.
 We don’t know what happened because he won’t talk to anybody.
 All we know is that he punched Sarah Jr.
 in the face.”
 I said, “Oh, no!”
 Sarah’s one of the only parents I’m not sure I can beat up in this school.
 Just then, Kate and Sarah pulled up to pick up their daughter, and then we all had to go into the office, and I was really worried ’cause I didn’t want them to kick me out of the school.
 And then they brought my son in.
 He was crying.
 They brought him in like a prisoner.
 He was like, “Ohh! Oh!”
 I said, “Son, stop crying, calm down.
 Do not look at these mean faces.
 I need you to look at my face, and I need you to tell me the truth, buddy, all right? Just tell me the truth.
 Is it true? Did you punch that girl Sarah Jr.
 in the face?”
 I was trying to give him a signal to lie, but he didn’t pick up on it.
 I was like… He wasn’t paying attention.
 He’s like, “Yes, Daddy, I punched her face.”
 “Oh, my God.
 Why? Why would you do that? You’re not supposed to put your hands on anybody.”
 And his answer was so gangster, it scared all the parents in the room.
 He was like… 
[whimpering]
 “‘Cause she had it coming.”
 I said… And everyone looked at me.
 I said, “I did not teach him.
 I don’t know where he got that from.”
 I said, “What does that mean, son? That is crazy talk! What does that mean?”
 And then he just started crying like he was Tupac.
 [crying]
 “These kids keep fucking with me!”
 I told his teacher, I said, “Well, now, wait a minute.
 This kid is a lot of things, but he’s not a liar.
 And if he said they was fucking with him, they did something to him.
 Son, what’s going on? What did they do to you?”
 “Dad, I’m tired of this shit.
 It’s been going on all week.”
 I said, “What’s going on all week?”
 He said, “We was at lunch, and that bitch bit my sandwich.”
 I said, “Oh.”
 He said, “It’s the fourth time this week.
 I’m tired of this sandwich-biting bitch.”
 I said, “Stop using that word.
 Let’s go home.”
That’s a quiet car ride home.
 We got to the house, he just ran right up to his room, slammed the door.
 His mother came downstairs.
 By then, she’d heard about everything.
 She was looking at me, like, “Oh, my God.”
 I said, “I know.
 It’s fucked up.”
 She said, “You bit that goddamn sandwich, didn’t you, Dave?”
 I said, “I’m tired of you accusing me of shit!”
 And I just ran out of the house.
 Jumped in my car and drove off.
 Of course I bit that sandwich.
 But I knew that she was just really mad about that tape, so now she was gonna punish me about a fucking sandwich that I’d bit.
 I was mad as fuck.
 You know what I said to myself? I said, “I should just never go home.
 Fuck this shit.”
 By the way, that’s how people used to get divorced in the ’40s.
 There wasn’t no divorce court in America.
 Back in those days, if you wanted to get out your marriage, you’d just tell your wife, “Hey, baby, I’m gonna get a pack of cigarettes.
 I’ll be right back.”
 You would just leave with the clothes on your back.
 That’s when men were men.
 And there was no Internet back then, so you could move 11 miles away and have a whole new life.
But I ended up going back home… late at night, and came in the room, and she was actually changing for bed.
 You can always tell your wife is mad at you when they cover their titties up when you walk in.
 “Oh!”
 “Let those titties out.
 It’s me, baby.
 Can we just talk about this for a minute?”
 She said, “David, there’s nothing to talk about.
 I already know you bit the sandwich.
 And don’t go looking for their lunch.
 I hid it.”
 I said, “I don’t want to talk about the sandwich.
 I want to talk about it.
 The tape.
 I know that’s why you’re mad.”
 It was a very difficult conversation.
 I had to crack a few jokes.
 And she laughed a little, and it helped her relax, and we started talking, and then she cracked a few jokes… that hurt my feelings, honestly.
 But— But we talked.
 And you know what she told me? She told me that she was madder about the second extortion tape than she was about the first one.
 Which doesn’t make sense at all.
 What’s wrong with a guy touching his own private parts? It’s my own business.
 It’s not like I do it all the time.
 As a matter of fact, sometimes I do it for her benefit.
 A lot of guys do this.
 It’s called the mercy jerk.
 That’s the one that happens in the middle of the night when you’re about to roll on top of her and you see her face, and you’re like, “She looks tired.”
 That takes a lot of love and discipline to back out of a room with a rock-hard ick.
 Sometimes I don’t make it.
 “Uh-oh.
 Uh-oh.
 Someone fell asleep with their socks off, didn’t they?”
 You can’t rape feet.
 You can’t rape feet.
The only time I jerk off now is if I know how long she’ll be gone.
 That’s the only way I can get my head in the game.
 Sometimes she’ll tell me, “Dave, I’m gonna take the kids to my mom’s real quick.
 I’ll probably be back in a couple of hours.”
 “A couple hours?”
 You can get a good one in in two hours.
 That’s the kind of session where you’ll take all your clothes off.
 I’ll be butt-naked in the living room like, “Get these fucking toys out of my way!”
 Disgusting.
 Foot on the coffee table, just stroking it out, taking my time.
 And I got a bowl of cereal waiting for me right here.
 That’s when you have that privacy.
 You can have a loud orgasm.
 I miss those.
 [screaming]
 You know, when a guy busts a nut, right after that, there’s a window of six minutes where he does the most rational thinking he ever does.
 That’s when he’s always horrified.
 [grunting and panting]
 “My God, what have I done? Oh, my God, it’s everywhere.
 [screaming]
 ----Punchline----
 Baba!”




----Punchline----

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Percent Error Punchline:90.03285870755751%
Percent Error TagLine:100.0%
Percent TagLine Number:100.0%
Percent Error Total:1346.2052693668895%