when-not-to-respond.md

When Not To Respond

At times knowing when not to respond is just as important as knowing what to say when you do. Some people will attempt to derail a conversation to push their agenda or simply for attention. Learning how to not reward or even subtly punish such behavior can help guide conversations in a more constructive direction.

You Don't Have To Respond

There are two rules of thumb here:

1. Not everything deserves a reply
2. The things that deserve a reply, don't need one today

You can be judicious in participating in discussions and often it can be healthier if moderators take something of a back seat because that allows others in the community to step up and become respected resources.

Extinction - How Not Responding Can Guide A Conversation

There is a concept called extinction in psychology where withholding the stimulus for a behavior can inhibit that behavior in others. It is taught in management training as a way to quell outbursts from employees who are prone to interrupting. It's essentially based on creating an "uncomfortable silence".¹

To give a general idea of how this technique works, let's take a look at an example. Let's say that you're running a meeting. A discussion is happening but a particular participant is interrupting you repeatedly. In this case you would:

1. Immediately stop speaking
2. Turn to look at the person interrupting
3. Wait a couple seconds
4. Continue on with what you were saying without addressing what was interjected

This lets everyone in the room know that you don't approve of the behavior, it draws attention to the negative behavior, but isn't as shaming as a public rebuke. It works best when you're in a position of power, such as being a manager in a meeting of individual contributors, but it can also work in situations where people just want to hear what you have to say.

In virtual environments it is important to note that in a lot of cases not speaking is the same as not existing. So how do you convey that same feeling of "I'm looking at you" without posting something? It takes some practice, but when you post to a message board or in a chat channel you tend to get into a rhythm. Other people who are involved in the conversation will tend to pick up on that cadence. So a longer than normal pause in between messages can work. You can also "talk around" the person interrupting by addressing someone else, even if you have to bring someone new into the conversation in order to do it.

Footnotes

1. For this reason, this technique may work better or worse on people from certain cultures. Some cultures are much more tolerant of long silences in the middle of conversations. ↩