blog: vipassana retreat

_posts/2024-04-23-journey-within-10-day-vipassana-retreat.md

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+## Introduction
+
+Welcome, dear readers, to a journey of self-discovery and inner transformation.
+In this article, I invite you to join me as I recount my profound experience
+during a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat under the guidance of Padma Bhushan
+S.N. Goenka. Together, we'll explore the depths of silence and introspection,
+uncovering the timeless wisdom that resides within each of us. So, grab a cup of
+tea, find a comfortable spot, and let's embark on this enlightening voyage
+together.
+
+## A bit of history
+
+I've been meditating since a young age, initially informally taught in my
+school. We would collectively sit in silence, using our breath as the focal
+point, for five minutes before classes began each day. In the 6th grade, I began
+meditating regularly at home, using a candle lamp as my point of focus from 6:30
+pm to 7 pm. This practice continued until my 11th grade.
+
+During my college years, however, meditation took a backseat in my life, and the
+habit eventually faded away. It wasn't until a few years ago that I reignited my
+meditation journey after attending an online course by Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev,
+which introduced me to Kriya Yoga techniques. While I found these techniques
+beneficial, I wasn't fully aligned with Sadhguru's blending of Kriya Yoga and
+Bhakti techniques, given my upbringing in a Hindu family where I had performed
+and attended rituals with my current rational mind, I wasn't convinced by the
+Bhakti path.
+
+My perspective shifted when I encountered Daniel Ingram's book, "Mastering the
+Core Teachings of the Buddha," which offered a practical approach to
+enlightenment without mysticism. Inspired, I delved into the techniques outlined
+in his book, embarking on self-retreats intermittently for several months until
+I reached a stage known as the Dark Night, which I'll delve into in future and I
+took a long break which regressed my progress.
+
+Realizing the need for formal, in-person meditation training, I sought out
+Insight meditation retreats in the Theravada tradition, free from sectarian
+beliefs and dogmas. Tattagatha in San Jose, California, caught my attention,
+offering free 60-day retreats. Despite the time commitment, I was determined to
+pursue this path.
+
+Then, I stumbled upon a retreat by SN Goenka, advertised as non-sectarian and
+offered free of cost. Intrigued, I booked my spot a couple of months in advance,
+eager to immerse myself in this transformative experience.
+
+## Day 0: Arrival and Silence
+
+Upon arriving at the meditation center in Kelseyville, California, on Day Zero,
+we were instructed to surrender our phones, wallets, and all personal
+belongings. Stripped of distractions, it was just me and my breath, embarking on
+a ten-day journey of self-discovery akin to that of a sanyasi.
+
+Despite experiencing severe jet lag from my return trip from Singapore the
+previous day, I was determined to navigate this challenge. The retreat began
+with the imposition of Noble silence, a practice not of inherent nobility but
+observed by those traversing the noble path of yoga. We dined promptly by 6:45
+pm and convened for the evening discourse at 7 pm, where we were briefed on the
+Five Precepts, noble silence being one of them.
+
+Our daily routine commenced with a 4 am wake-up call, followed by meditation in
+our rooms at 4:30 am. Throughout the day, we engaged in meditation sessions
+until 9 pm, punctuated by breaks. Mandatory sits were scheduled thrice daily in
+the meditation hall: from 8-9 am, 2:30-3:30 pm, and 6-7 pm.
+
+Meals adhered to a simple schedule: breakfast from 6:30-7:15 am, lunch from
+11-11:45 am, and dinner from 5-5:30 pm. The agenda was straightforward: ten
+hours of meditation daily for ten consecutive days. It was the exact intensity I
+had sought, a crucible for inner transformation.
+
+## Days 1 to 2: The Battle with the Monkey
+
+On Day 1, despite setting my alarm for 3:59 am, I naturally woke up at 4:00 am.
+It felt like the universe was aligning with my intentions. After a bracing cold
+shower, I dove straight into meditation at 4:30 am. My mind, ever the wanderer,
+whisked me away to both real and imaginary realms. This pattern persisted during
+the 8-hour meditation sessions throughout the day, but gradually, my mind began
+to find its footing.
+
+By Day 2, each breath became my anchor. Focusing solely on the breath came
+easier, yet it was accompanied by an overwhelming sense of monotony.
+Nonetheless, I persisted, much like the fellow practitioners surrounding me.
+It's a challenge to remain motionless for extended periods, especially for ten
+hours a day. I found myself constantly adjusting my posture, compounded by the
+lingering effects of jet lag. But through it all, I reassured myself that this
+discomfort was temporary, a passing phase on the path to inner growth.
+
+## Day 3: Narrowing the region of attention
+
+On Day 3, our focus shifted to the region below the nostrils, and I noticed a
+significant improvement in my ability to concentrate. This sharpening of the
+mind came as a welcome development, even though maintaining this focus
+throughout the day proved to be a formidable challenge. My body began to exhibit
+signs of fatigue, prompting thoughts about the curriculum for the remaining
+days. Despite my dwindling energy, I remained undeterred, determined to
+persevere.
+
+However, the chanting during our meditation sessions presented a cultural hurdle
+for me. The language used, Hindi, felt discordant to my ears, with the tune
+resembling a mourning chant rather than the peaceful, energizing chants I was
+accustomed to in Sanskrit and Tamil. Nonetheless, I resolved to remain
+open-minded and focused on my personal journey of self-discovery.
+
+## Day 4: Insights and persistence
+
+On Day 4, the practice evolved as we were instructed to observe sensations
+across different parts of the body, from the crown of the head to the soles of
+the feet, while discerning the three characteristics inherent in each sensation.
+This approach resonated with me, as I had encountered these principles
+previously in Dan's book. The task was clear: methodically observe each part of
+the body, honing in on the impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and selflessness
+present in every sensation.
+
+## Day 5: Reflections
+
+On Day 5, the meditation instructions took a new direction, prompting us to
+observe sensations from bottom to top and then alternating between top to bottom
+and bottom to top. While we were prohibited from taking notes, a practice
+advocated by Dan in his book, I found value in reflecting on each session
+afterward. This post-sit reflection allowed me to gauge the effectiveness of my
+practice and identify areas for improvement. By remaining focused and
+introspective in this way, I not only stayed on track but also made significant
+strides along the path of self-discovery and calmness with my mind.
+
+## Days 6 to 8: Equanimity
+
+During the meditation sessions, we delved into full-body scans, sweeping and
+massing sensations, before returning to the meticulous observation of individual
+body parts. Through this process, profound insights began to surface. I found
+myself realizing the impermanence inherent in every sensation, leading to a
+deepening sense of equanimity. Pain and pleasure transformed into mere transient
+phenomena, no longer holding sway over my consciousness as I observed them
+equanimously.
+
+In my quest for understanding, I sought to discern dissatisfaction and the
+absence of self in each sensation, drawing upon insights gleaned from past
+self-retreats prior to the Dark Night. However, this time, I encountered
+difficulty in realizing these truths. Despite my knowledge and prior experiences
+pointing towards the non-existence of self, I struggled to witness it firsthand.
+
+Persisting in my inquiry, I reached a pivotal realization: I had been neglecting
+a crucial aspect of practice—relaxation and smiling, as taught by Bante
+Vimalaramsi. As I embraced this technique wholeheartedly, a profound shift
+occurred. Suddenly, I experienced a profound disassociation of the self from
+sensations, marking a significant milestone in my journey of self-discovery and
+realization.
+
+## Day 9: Persistence
+
+On Day 9, despite my best efforts, I continued to grapple with the search for
+dissatisfaction within sensations. Although I attempted to implement relaxation
+and smiling techniques, it seemed my efforts fell short. Dissatisfaction
+remained elusive, stubbornly resisting my scrutiny.
+
+However, a significant shift occurred during the evening session on Day 9 when
+the noble silence was relaxed, allowing the ten-day practitioners to interact
+freely. Meeting fellow practitioners, I was struck by the warmth and camaraderie
+among us. As conversations flowed and experiences were shared, I found myself
+observing the construction of the self-identity within my mind as I engaged in
+these interactions. It was a fascinating insight into the workings of the mind
+and the role of social interaction in shaping our sense of self.
+
+Reflecting on my experience, I couldn't help but compare it to the occasional
+one-day silent retreats, known as Mouna Vratam, practiced at home. While those
+brief periods of silence were beneficial, the profound stillness and tranquility
+experienced during nine consecutive days of noble silence were unparalleled. It
+was a truly blissful and enriching experience, deepening my understanding of the
+self and the power of silence in fostering inner peace.
+
+## Day 10: Loving Kindness
+
+The introduction of loving-kindness meditation, known as Metta in Pali language,
+marked a significant departure from the Vipassana technique I had been immersed
+in. While Metta was not new to me, having practiced it before under the guidance
+of Bante, its inclusion in the retreat presented a novel approach to meditation.
+Unlike Vipassana, where sensations are the focus, Metta meditation centers on
+cultivating feelings of happiness and loving-kindness.
+
+Initially, the teacher's chanting during the Metta session felt reminiscent of
+familiar Hindu traditions, but the monotonous tone disrupted my meditation,
+prompting me to return to Vipassana. Yet, during moments of silence in the
+meditation hall, I found myself naturally gravitating towards Metta using
+Bante's technique.
+
+As I immersed myself in Metta, I experienced a profound shift. Uttering the
+phrase "Sarveeshaam svasthir bavathu" in my mind with pure intentions, I was
+overwhelmed by a surge of pleasant sensations, accompanied by tears. However,
+this experience, though initially euphoric, soon gave way to uncertainty and
+discomfort. Was this rush of sensations a manifestation of dissatisfaction? I
+couldn't be certain.
+
+As I alternated between focusing on happiness and grappling with distractions, I
+realized the cycle was exhausting and frustrating. The hindrances pulled me away
+from my intended focus, leaving me feeling drained.
+
+Reflecting on these experiences, I grappled with uncertainty. Was my realization
+about dissatisfaction a genuine insight or merely a product of confirmation
+bias? The ambiguity lingered, underscoring the complexities of the meditative
+journey and the challenges of discerning truth amidst subjective experiences.
+
+## Day 11
+
+As the retreat drew to a close, I emerged from the cocoon of silence and
+solitude, reentering the noisy outside world. Yet, within me, I carried the
+profound stillness, the timeless wisdom, and the promise of inner
+transformation. It's quite impossible to catch the butterflies when you try
+hard. When you take a few moments to relax and just observe what's going on and
+the butterflies will sit all over you. Good things in life are like these
+butterflies.
+
+
+## Body Statistics
+
+My body felt like it was beaten to pulp after long sits for 10 days. I slept
+well upon reaching home, and meditated in the evening. The next day upon waking
+up at 5 am, I checked my HRV (using Polar H10) and it had slumped from 68 to 47,
+by 21 points. However the resting heart rate had improved from 60 to 47. My work
+out numbers were miserable than ever as I had regressed severely. I'm hoping
+that it will improve over the next two weeks.
+
+**Exercise**|**March 27, 2024**|**April 23, 2024**
+:-----:|:-----:|:-----:
+Jump ropes|Easy 300 x 2 sets|Struggled to complete 200 x 1 set
+Pull ups|30 lb weighted, 10 reps x 3 sets|normal, 8 reps x 2 sets
+Push ups|20 reps x 3 sets|20 reps
+Squats|195 lb x 5 reps x 2 sets|110 lb x 3 reps x 1 set
+
+## Conclusion
+
+In conclusion, I wholeheartedly recommend such retreats to anyone seeking to
+enhance their lives and nurture their emotional well-being. For the greatest
+journey is not one of external exploration, but rather the deep dive into the
+recesses of our own consciousness. True happiness lies not in reaching a
+destination but in savoring the moments along the way.
+
+Until next time, may each of you find peace, harmony, and boundless happiness.